That’s pretty weak dude…

So Carson has a bad hip right now. He’s going to a specialist this Thursday (*crosses fingers) but until then, he is pretty much a three-legged dog. Something happened to him last Friday and ever since, he has been limping around the house and generally not moving from his sprawled out position unless motivated by a bone.

I also live on the third floor of a condo building so this proves to be a tricky situation when Carson has to give back to nature. He’s great with going downstairs on three legs and personally, it’s really funny to watch, but by the end of his walk, he is completely spent and totally unable to make it up the three flights of stairs. At first I tried walking up and encouraging to “walk it off” and climb the stairs like a champion but right now, my dog is clearly a bench warmer and isn’t up to the task.

So it finally came down to me physically picking him up and scaling the stairs myself. I have literally picked Carson up three times in his entire life of ten years. Once when I found him in an abandoned trailer, once when I picked him up to put him in the car for the first time and once when I picked him up when we were wrestling to assert my wrestling dominance. Suffice it to say, he isn’t used to being handled in such a manner. Let me try to illustrate what it’s like to pick up Carson. Imagine a 90 pound dead body on the ground where both it’s legs and it’s arms are sticking up in the air, stiff as a board. Now imagine trying to pick it up and maneuver it up three flights of narrow stairs.

Ok, so here’s the reason of why I started writing this post in the first place. Today was a hard day at work. I got home, grabbed a beer from the fridge and took the dog out for a walk. All was going well, dog did his thing, he limped home, everything was as normal as it could have been. We get to the stairs and I walk up a flight. I encouraged Carson to give it another try but he just looked at me with the same doe eyes he’s been looking at me with for the past few days so I walked downstairs to give him a little aid. I put my beer down on the first step, tried out a new carrying method (see figure 1a) and we were on our way.

Figure 1a

We get to the top of the mountain, I put the dog down and prepare to make my descent to retrieve my beer. What happens next? Yup, the dog follows me all the way down to the bottom. Fuck my life. So I sit there with beer in hand, take a sip and then look at the dog and motion him back up the stairs. What does he do? He runs up the stairs on three legs wagging his tail the entire way.

I’ve been conned for four fucking days into carrying my 90 pound dog up three flights of stairs.

*sigh

Best letterhead evar

So many typefaces!!!

2009

Bad:
- my second mom died
- I had my first nervous breakdown which left me homebound for weeks
- I worked with an absolutely horrible psychiatrist who mis-diagnosed me as well as prescribed medication which made me worse
- being let down by mechanics
- forgetting how important kate was to me
- I was laid off from an increasingly horrible job due to the economy
- I was forced to take a mind-numbingly boring corporate job
- I started up my own company but quit
- christmas
- realizing that some “friends” only come to you when they need something from you

Good:
- I found a great shrink who put me on the right drugs and now I’m not that crazy anymore
- I can’t even begin to emphasize how important Kate was to me to get through this summer
- Getting absolutely trashed on the river with a gaggle of my friends this summer
- hide and go seek games in the house
- remembering how important kate was to me
- working on Roxy with jason
- getting a sex drive again
- getting into PVW (finally)
- actually loving my job and my co-workers for once
- playing beer pong on a linen table and having waiters continually bring us pitchers of beer
- meeting/making new and old friends on my blog, boards and at car shows (special shout to the cbox crew haha)

just another day at the office…

JKREW: well have fun at your sexual punching party
lbear: Ew.
JKREW: hey I’m not the one writing “dirty” coupons, whatever that means
lbear: It was hot. And artfully done with embossing and sparkly ink.
Paper Source is my mecca.
JKREW: “hot” and “sparkly ink” don’t belong in the same sentence
lbear: It was hot!
JKREW: Thats like writing “Good for one night of ass to mouth” and drawing hearts over the i’s
lbear: I’ll do that next time except for the part where that’s fucking GROSS
I don’t do ass to mouth.
JKREW: you never do ass to mouth

God I Hate Christmas

I am hereby declaring that I don’t ever want another present from anyone ever again. I don’t want clothes or books or photos, toys, trinkets, car parts et al. If you have something you really want to give me where you sunk in more than 30 seconds of thought into it, give it to me on any day other than December 25th.

Christmas has become such a bullshit convoluted hallmark holiday nowadays. It’s even become cliché to say that christmas is bullshit that that is bullshit to even say now. People all become zombies with one thought in their head to stumble to the mall in a frantic rush to “buy something, ANYTHING!” for people on their list. It’s not even like they know why they are buying, they just HAVE TO BUY something or they will be incomplete or piss someone off.

There is just the need to “finish” their list. Crossing names off, one by one, until they are finally finished so they can then wrap said presents, give them and then breathe that massive sigh of relief that they “survived christmas”. What makes you think that you survived? You wouldn’t have to feel that way if your stupid ass didn’t make yourself rush around and buy buy buy in the first place.

I just don’t understand the concept. Ok, overlooking the fact that jesus wasn’t even born on christmas, that the 25th of december was chosen to replace the date of the birth of the sun god Mithras by the christians blah blah blah… ok, WHY the presents? Why, especially the mall? Maybe I’m just an art fag but why do you celebrate the “birth of christ” by giving your loved one a North Face windbreaker? Why does the mall contain the answer to making everyone of your loved ones happy? Fuck, I haven’t talked to one single person this week that said they had a great christmas. Anyone see a problem with that? I have to get up, rush to open presents with my wife, then go to some parent’s house, give them gifts, then go to another parent’s house and repeat and then finally go home. I drove 250 miles in 24 hours this christmas. That isn’t enjoyable. That fucking sucks. And I’ve been doing this since I had a drivers license. Every single fucking year.

I suppose I get my hopes up I guess. I have never asked a single soul what they want for christmas or their birthdays etc. I have a feeling that with the people I know, if they wanted something, they would go out and buy it. It’s as simple as that. If I give you a gift, I absolutely, positively know you will like it and usually it won’t be something you buy from the mall because I probably made it or I just know you and what you like.

But then when I tell people that I don’t want anything I still get stuff and most of the time, it’s stuff I don’t really need. Now I know some of you readers probably got me stuff this christmas so don’t go getting all bent out of shape. This is a generalized statement here. The point I’m trying to make is that the whole present thing is sort of gay. Why can’t we just have a nice meal somewhere? Or look at old photos or how about you tell me a story I’ve never heard before? I will enjoy that more than a shirt I’ll stop wearing after a year. Let’s go on a trip. Let’s experience something where when retelling the story, “last christmas” will be in the dialogue.

Maybe I don’t have the “holiday spirit” but I hereby refuse to have the “holiday spirit” if it continues on like this. It’s fake and bullshit and just leaves a nasty taste in my mouth come the 26th and then I’m stuck feeling like shit until spring.

Well

I want this:

and when I have spawn, I want this:

What I learned today while preparing for 20″ of snow:

- DC closes schools if a weatherman says there will be light snow. If a weatherman calls for 20 inches, DC declares a state of emergency and calls in the national guard
- although there were lines at the supermarket, there was also a line at the liquor store
- when it snows a lot, it seems that everyone likes to make omelets because I couldn’t find one fucking egg in the entire store
- there aren’t any shotguns at Dicks Sporting Goods. I will have to go through this storm unarmed it seems
- there was a line around the block for gas. If it snows 20 inches, where the fuck does everyone think they are going?
- while people were buying milk, bread, eggs and toilet paper, Kate and I bought pizza, chips, whipped cream and whiskey. At least SOME people have their priorities in order

I Really Do Hate Christmas

For the past week, I’ve finally come to the realization that christmas is a crock of shit. I hate it. I can’t wait for it to be over. I was gone for a week and before that I was busy with work for a solid month so I didn’t have to think or be reminded of christmas (which was awesome). Now that I’m back, I’m inundated with the fact that christmas is now days away. Now don’t get me wrong here, I do receive some joy from watching people lose sleep over having this odd inbred urge to go forth and spend their money on people. I like the idea of christmas with the snow and the carols and the fuzzy touchy feely memories it gives me but when I open my eyes and look around, all I see are repetitive Gap commercials selling ugly as fuck plaid shirts and Lexus commercials selling cars with fucking bows on them. Btw, WHO THE FUCK gives a Lexus as a gift? They’ve been running the same fucking ad for a decade now and I don’t know of a single person who has given or received a car as a christmas present. And if you are reading this and have given one as a gift, you deserve to get your ass kicked.

I went to the mall with Kate (to buy stuff for myself of course) and proceeded to be pushed and shoved for two straight hours by every single asshole that was in a frenzied rush to buy that “perfect gift” for their loved one. The mall was PACKED. People were rude and in their own world. Everyone was looking for something for someone so they could then buy it, wrap it and give it.

The thing I have with christmas is that it (and I know this is entirely cliché to say) has lost it’s entire meaning. I’m not a religious man by any means but I do know that christmas wasn’t supposed to be about buying cashmere sweaters for your spouse. Even though I could give two shits about the birth of baby jesus, I would rather celebrate that or have a nice meal with my family or wife than go to the fucking mall and buy shit for people I feel obligated to buy shit for.

Fuck these presents for the love of god. I am 33 years old. I have everything I want. And if I don’t have something that I want, I’m going to go to the store and fucking buy it. I don’t want a present from you. Keep your money and pay off your debt or give it to someone who has to panhandle for change just to buy a meal to survive. What makes the 25th of December any different than say March 24th? Why do you have to buy me a present for a certain day in december? It’s not like I did anything to deserve the present. I didn’t do a deed that merited you giving me something as payment or reward for a job well done.

And why do I have to buy presents for you? I’m not trying to be an asshole or anything because I love giving to certain people in my life but what do I do with the people where I have no fucking clue what to get them? It’s difficult to buy gifts for people you aren’t close to or really are out of touch with their tastes. And the worst thing is when you only know 2-3 things a certain person likes so year after year, you always get them something that has to do with those 2-3 things over and over again. I just feel tacky every time I have to give those gifts and it only comes off as impersonal and prickish.

Is it wrong to hate this day? There are so many people out there who get all spazzed out over decorating their houses with lights and killing trees to put in their homes and putting shit on it and making cookies and playing music but as soon as the 26th rolls around, people stop being jolly and they stop singing songs and stop giving gifts. I really do think that 99% of the population at large go through christmas because it’s beaten into them that they HAVE to go through it. I think everyone feels obligated to buy presents for people because if they don’t they will be considered to be scroogish assholes.

All I want is to have a nice meal and see my friends. I don’t want to unwrap presents. I don’t need anything from you. I have enough shit as it is. Save your money and make me some fucking turkey or something.

$100k in art school tuition…

helped me, finally, after all these years of 70 hour weeks, multi-million dollar new business pitches, million dollar web site launches, working with some of the greatest talent in the free world in NYC, London, Spain and Washington DC to finally become…

“the graphics guy.”

*sigh

Onwards and upwards right?

Well I guess it’s time for an update. I was meaning to write something down for the past few days but it seems I don’t have time nor energy anymore due to the fucking MOUNTAIN of work I have to do at work for a big conference coming up.

So let’s see what’s been going on in the past few weeks… I was put on yet one more prescription medication (lucky #7) and I’ll be god damned if it didn’t make me feel better. FINALLY. Only took 3 months of near suicidalness (is that a word?) but finally I am feeling “normal”. Now I put that word in quotes because when it all comes down to it, I don’t really remember what normal feels like but at least I’m not calculating if the height I’m at will be tall enough to end it all every day.

I have to admit it was pretty cool. Literally 4-5 days later after taking the new drug, I started feeling better. No more anxiety attacks, no more fits of depression etc etc etc. Now my main goal is to simply get off everything STAT (read: slowly and safely). I loathe taking four different drugs everyday. It’s a pain in my asshole and I hate it. I’m not sure where I’m going with this. Anyway, so the first week was cool, second week was cool, third week I was in a bad mood for a few days and then it just hit me, I am fucking bored.

I am so mind numbingly bored with life right now, it’s painful. I’m tired of my job (not in a bad way, just bored I guess), I’m tired of the area where I live, I’m tired of my car, I’m tired of my daily routine. I get up, I go to work, I get home from work, I eat, have a glass of wine, sit on the couch, go to bed and repeat. Every day. I wasn’t like this a few years ago. I remember doing shit and getting into trouble and going out. Now I don’t get into trouble and rarely go out because I simply don’t have the energy or don’t want to altogether. Weak. So this is what middle agedness is like.

So other than that, life is grand. I drove into a curb today at work and completely destroyed my front lower lip. $400 bucks down the shitter. Now I have to get it repaired and repainted and the only place that paints worth a shit around here will take a week if not more to fix it.

Lastly, I had a friend go through some tough times in the past few weeks. We sort of have this quasi-fucked up relationship (if you can call it that) that I can’t really explain but it’s based on a decent amount of history. I’ve known her for damn near 6-7 years. We met at odd times in our life. I was young, she was younger. You know the deal, we flirted around but seemed to be the last people on earth with a conscience and it never went anywhere other than being friends. We both toyed with cheating on our significant others at the time because we were in dead end relationships, never did of course albeit some PG-13 grade stuff and that was that. We kept tabs on each other throughout the years, both broke up with our sig. others and simply moved on through life. It was never anything of major substance other than a hey or other small talk here and there.

Then lately within the past year or so, our paths crossed again and our relationship developed into more of a support kind of thing for each other. I was going through an extremely rough time in my life and she was there to give me quick bits of advice and/or support. It wasn’t anything of any major grandeur but for some reason, because of our past, it was nice to know that someone I’ve known for some time was there for me when I needed it.

So of course as fate would have it, she went through pretty much the same thing I did just a little while ago, only this time, she had a few other shit storms added on, leaving her sans any support close to her. This was interesting for me because this time, I could honestly give someone 100% rock solid advice and guidance because I literally just went through the VERY same thing only months ago. I tried to do what I could without pushing, but it was really difficult for me to try and help from the position I was in based off of our whatever-the-fuck-you-call-it relationship. We weren’t great friends but we confided in each other with fairly intimate details. Surprisingly she was the first friend I told I loved and meant it. I never really understood when my mom said it to her friend that she cared about but it was a refreshing life experience to understand that there are many different meanings to the word itself considering it’s a word I don’t hand out on a whim by any means.

On one hand I was brought into this girls life at her very lowest point but wasn’t allowed to go see her and be a shoulder for her (which is what I was used to doing for friends in just the very same spot). It was just a reminder that I was sort of there for her in the most generic way possible but had to deal with very serious issues buuuuut couldn’t physically talk/see/touch her to help her out. Thus my frustration. Get it?

I know it’s one of those things where everyone deals with things differently and I can respect that but it’s just been frustrating. I feel like the only time this girl has come to me in the past few years is when I am having a crisis or when she is having a crisis. But once everything is cool again, we go our separate ways. It’s kind of fucked. I mean, god bless ‘er for legitimately caring for me and being there for me but I feel sort of sad for not being able to have a better relationship with her that doesn’t consist of one solely involving cellphones.

Meh, whatever. She seems to be doing better or acting the part of being as “better” as she can. That makes me happy, it really does.

Anyway, I’ve got three weeks until I have to fly to Phoenix. I’m scared shitless. I’m waiting for my drugs to stop working. I’m waiting to flip out on the plane not having Kate by my side. I’m scared of wanting to take a hammer to my skull out of the sheer boredom I deal with every night.

Life goes on I guess. Here’s to finally being “normal”. I’ll be honest, I kind of miss being fucked up. At least life was interesting when I was crazy.