I don't know why I have regressed so much lately. I was sitting on the couch yesterday just staring into space and it dawned on me that I simply don't care about anything. I don't care about my wedding, I don't care about my cars, I don't care about money or my lack of friends. All I can think about is nothing.

It's really hard to explain and I'm not writing this for any help or opinions or to get conversation going here. I don't know how to better describe it but I literally don't give a flying fuck anymore.

Before I used to be depressed and then super happy. Then it went to just depressed. And now that I'm on medication, it's just gone to nothing. A big zero. No feelings; good or bad.

And I HATE IT. I am going to get married in 18 days and I don't care. I am going to ruin this memory for the rest of my life and I will never live it down in my own head. Twenty years from now, I'll be on the porch with Kate and she'll ask me if I remembered an event on our wedding day and I won't be able to remember me feeling any way towards it because it will just come and go and I won't care. And the thought of that makes me want to kill myself.

If this is really it, then I don't want this anymore.

Now I know I'm just being over-dramatic and whomever reads this that is close to me is probably going to want to pick up the phone and fix me but I'll save you the dime and just tell you that I'll be ok, this will pass, I'll eventually go talk to someone who will readjust my medication and I'll get better within a few months. But the simple fact is, I'm not going to be fixed in 18 days and that makes me want to cry. To just take my laptop and throw it at the window and leave the building and go drive somewhere until I run out of gas.

This fucking blows.

This makes me want to crawl under the covers and cry...







http://www.smashingmagazine.com/2008/05/12/sexy-bold-and-experimental-typography/

http://edition.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/08/08/gingrich/index.html#cnnSTCVideo

And the article to boot: http://edition.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/08/08/gingrich/index.html#cnnSTCText

digitalLSDdotCOM: we just turned down an offer to interview your bff lil mama
jkrew: WTF dude!?
digitalLSDdotCOM: ahaha
*vomit*
jkrew: i would have totally called in for that and asked to talk to the chick gremlin
digitalLSDdotCOM: http://weaknights.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/08/02/femalegremlin.jpg
BAHAHA
wow we're the same
jkrew: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
<3's

I've been hanging out with this group lately and just wanted to sort of write this so I get to come back and read it in a year or two. Last saturday was killer. My mom had her second breast cancer survivor photoshoot so kate and I were pretty busy from 8-2ish helping her out (which went awesome btw) and afterwards we rushed over to city-Jason's house to help with some coilovers for Dara. And when I say help, I really mean watch Jason do 99% of the work because I had no idea what I was doing.

It was just one of those days where I got to spend it with some really cool cats who didn't give a shit that I had no business doing suspension on a car yet. There was Jimmy H. playing on the stereo, kate was happy talking photography with another dubber... just relaxing and fun.

I know its kind of ghey to write about that but it was just one of those times where you are fairly lucid about your environment and stop and just appreciate it for a second and then get back to work.

I'm really happy winter is over =)

These past few weeks have been stressful as hell. I can't really pinpoint a specific reason why I am stressed but I'm just going to attribute it to the wedding and to cars. That way, with a blanket statement, it covers all of the bases easily.

You know when you hear married couples complain about their wedding being "CRAZY!" and "STRESSFUL!" blah blah blah. Yeah, kate and I were completely laid back a month ago. Pretty much everything was taken care of. But then you start thinking about the little things that you forgot about a month prior to that. THEN, the family bullshit rears it's ugly head and the drama starts, and then you get people asking why they weren't invited, and start to think about the people you did invite but now really want to uninvite those people. Now kate and I are that couple we laughed at.

It sucks. I just want to be married and be done with it. Who knew that a simple day could be so stressful to plan? Right.

And then there's my car. One car is almost done so I'm happy about that but the other car has been nothing but crap for me ever since I bought it. I can't remember one single day when I actually enjoyed it and I've had it for more than a year now.

I just found out it was going to cost me another thousand just to fix what should have been fixed the last thousands I spent on it last month. When do you cut the line and just give up? When does a passion turn into a downfall? I am so persistent to actually see this project to the very end vision I have but it has taught me every bad lesson in the book so far. For some reason I think this is some fucked up lesson I need to learn but I think I already know what it is, I'm just too thick headed to throw in the towel.

Although, I am thankful that it has taught me just about every single skill one needs to have to build a car. I now know how to:
- strip a car
- prep and paint
- pull, swap and rebuild an engine
- reupholster and recover an entire interior
- fabricate damn near anything
- troubleshoot damn near anything
- how and what a turbo does and how to install it and how to diagnose when it doesn't work
- set up a time table and stick to it
- how to handle being let down
- how a budget really works and to pretty much double your first number to actually finish the car.
- don't cheap out no matter how much of a deal you think you can get. Pay what it takes to get it done right. That way, if it doesn't, you demand that it gets fixed and feel that you are justified in doing so.
- never get a "hook up" from a friend. Ever.

I have no idea if this will ever lead to anything in my life that is more substantial than just a hobby but I really really feel that deep down in me, this is going to get bigger. In the period of less than two years I have learned more about cars than I knew from my teens and twenties combined. I am starting to learn about the business as well and it hasn't put that much of a sour taste in my mouth so who knows.

Man, sorry. This turned out to be more for my car blog material. Here's to finishing and actually start enjoying; wedding as well as stupid cars.

Wait till 1:47

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car.

Blanket. Heavy flashlight. Hand warmers. Six bottles of water. Six packs of beef jerky. Atlas. Reflectors. Gloves. Socks. Bandages. Neosporin. Inhaler. Benadryl. Motrin. Hard candy. Telescoping magnet. Screwdriver. Channel-locks. Crescent wrench. Ski hat. Bandanna.

The 75 Skills Every Man Should Master

I was in a bad mood yesterday and thought about writing this but now that it's a new day, I could really care less about it but since there hasn't been any substantial drama in my life lately, why the fuck not right? Anyways, I just sort of need to vent this out because it's been at the back of my mind for quite sometime now and seeing how nothing is being resolved or even having been attempted to be resolved, I'll just air my grievances in a public forum.

So I'm getting married. In close to five weeks. It's awesome and I really can't wait to call Kate my wife and even though everyone says "oooh you can start a new life together blah blah blah..." they way I see it, we started our new life together the day she moved in with me some time last August. And it's great. We ebb and flow between best friends and gf/bf and never once cross over to the point of hating each other. We handle issues like pros now; money, space, basic upkeep: all easily managed through open avenues of communication.

And then there is her family.

I am now the black sheep. Well, not exactly now seeing as how I've been the black sheep with them for damn near two years but who's counting. While Kate and I were dating I overlooked the fact that I was pooped on (repeatedly) even though I played by their rules almost ad nauseum for close to three years. I had no problem with it because I know that Kate was important enough to change my ways for but now that things have finally gotten serious, so are my opinions and views on my current relationship with the proverbial "in-laws".

I've gotten over the fact that you are unwilling to accept me into your family even though I'm getting married to your daughter. I'm cool with the idea that it's going to be that way. That's fine that you don't really find it necessary to socialize with my family. These are all those cute little "quirks" that you have to deal with I suppose.

I wonder if they understand how their actions effect me? I wonder if they can grasp the fact that I am pretty much ignored or given a shallow fake smile to whenever I come up in conversation? I mean hell, I guess being the man that is going to provide for your youngest daughter really doesn't hold too much regard in their eyes.

So anyways, I look forward to the future because shit is going to change and I'm sort of excited for the challenge. Before, when issues arose, "sweeping it under the rug" was the acceptable routine. I don't work that way and anyone with a college education should understand that for things to work, people need to talk and not ignore problems.

Most of the time when Kate comes to me aggravated/stressed/crying/depressed at how her family is treating each other and their completely asinine issues I usually laugh it off and tell her I'm glad it's not my family and that I don't have to deal with that shit but now that she has been promoted to wife, it really does affect me. Now you're not just troubling my girlfriend, you're troubling my wife and that makes it my business. And I'm going to do just about everything in my power to make sure she doesn't have to lose sleep because of you and if that means I singe a bridge or two just to make her happy I will happily provide the gasoline.

I'm sorry she isn't comfortable and quite honestly scared to confront her parents. Maybe it's just easier for me to deal with such things because that's how I was raised but I'll tell you one thing that's the god honest truth... when looking at both Kate and I, one of us doesn't resent the people who raised us. Want to guess which one is which? And it's just crazy that there is this MASSIVE cloud of dysfunction and naivety floating over both houses.

"You know, you should really talk to one another and get stuff off your chest."
"Whats to talk about? Everything is fine."
Are you sure about that?

There's a line that a young adult has to cross in their life and that's the point when they change from being the parent's child to being their own adult. The rules change overnight when that happens. You go from accepting your parent's word as the gospel to actually questioning everything and sometimes that even includes the basic rules of obedience. You go from just listening to actually having your own voice.

I understand the fact that elders don't want to change because they have earned the right to live the way they do but times have changed. It's not the 50's anymore. It really is a new day and your inability to adapt to social situations will one day cause you a lot of loss and the only person to point the blame at after years of pointing blame will be yourself.

Today is Everyone is a Fucking Cranky Asshole Day.

*goes back to bed

So my mom and steppops are throwing kate and I a little thing I like to call a "wedding". Weddings are stupid for the following reasons:

1) free crap.
If you get married, you get to go to stores that you never go to because you are too broke (or decide to spend all of your money on car parts instead of couches and dining room tables) and pick these things out that you want other people to buy for you. The weird thing is, I don't really need anything. I already have a house full of stuff that I like to use everyday so in essence, everything that I am picking for people to buy me is just the same crap I already have but better. Like, new and improved crap.

Now I'm not trying to seem ungrateful for such free crap. I just feel bad for telling people what to get me, if anything at all. Dude, just come to my wedding, catch me when I pass out at the alter, let's get drunk afterwards and just have a good time. You don't have to get me anything.

And I sure as poop wouldn't be able to get away with having a Craftsman bridal registry. I mean god forbid I make myself happy and get that sweet-ass 21.1 amp multi-speed power drill I've had my eye on for some time. But no, we need placemats with little seashells on them more than power drills.

2) naive fathers.
So like I said, my mom and stepdad are throwing us a wedding. It says so on the invitation. It doesn't say "Mom Kress and So-and-so Halstead..." it says "Mom Kress and Dr. Stepdad XXX" (name withheld for politeness, his last name isn't XXX even though that would be AWESOME if it was.)

So anyhoo, my dad calls me up and asks who Dr. Stepdad XXX is. I'm in the middle of working on my car, am completely caught off-guard, and blurt out "Oh, he's the stepdad."

"Oh, so Kate's mom isn't in the picture?" ... wait. say what now?

So now I'm more confused than ever and just sort of sit there dumbfounded. "So hey, the new turbo is way fast! Kate and I are super excited to drive it..." (well done Jason. Way to confuse the old man with engine talk...)

I KNEW he didn't know mom had gotten re-hitched. "Oh, he HAS to know by now right?" says mom months ago. "Dude, mom, he doesn't know. He's going to find out and kill us all in a violent gun-toting rage. I don't want to die a virgin."

And that's where I'm at now. I am now in charge of telling my dad that my mom got remarried. Not because it's the right thing to do but I'm sort of forced to because of Man Rule #627: If your fellow man friend's ex girlfriend is going out with a new dude, you have to tell him.

What the fuck? Why do I have to do this? I mean sure, it will obviously cut down on a freaking MASSIVE uncomfortable revelation at my own wedding. But why. Why do I have to do it. WHY am I forced to give that talk? Gay. You know it's going to go down like a fart in a car. Just wonderful.

3) licking envelopes.
Have you ever licked 40 envelopes at once? Yeah, it sucks big sweaty horse dong. I still taste what seems to be what the floor in a Japanese sweat shop would taste like.

4) platinum is more expensive than black market asian babies right now.
So last year platinum was $400/ounce, now it's $1200. If I had known that I would have bought kates engagement ring with an aluminum foil band last year. Now we have to sell some of our organs to pay for the wedding bands.

Somehow, someway, al qaeda is responsible for this.