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9:18:18 AM jkrew: I asked John Mayer to play our wedding. I hope you dont mind
9:32:41 AM kate: bahahahahah are you serious?
9:32:53 AM kate: ask MJ if she'll be our flower girl
9:33:03 AM jkrew: yeah why not you know?
9:33:16 AM kate: haha that'll be fun!
9:33:57 AM jkrew: I told him he could sleep with aeryn though
9:34:05 AM kate: I'm sure aeryn won't mind
9:34:13 AM jkrew: k
9:34:15 AM kate: I mean, john mayer could have ANYONE! he IS john mayer afterall
9:34:30 AM jkrew: touché

--------------------------- Original Message ----------------------------
Subject: Sexy swinging couple ISO John Mayer (ok, not really)
From: "JKREW"
Date: Tue, March 25, 2008 9:09 am
To: john@johnmayer.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest John Mayer,

Hey buddy, my name's Jason. I know that calling you buddy is a little presumptuous and what not but I assume that we would probably get along in real life so I'm just cutting to the chase. Anyhoo, the reason I'm writing to you today is fairly simple, I was wondering if you would play my wedding.

Now I know you are well beyond playing wedding gigs but I think that's what would be the funniest part about it. There you are, sitting in bumble fuck VA watching your buddy get married to his gal in a room of 30, they do the thing, a priest does his thing and all is said and good. BUT, who's that handsome guy in the corner who just came out of nowhere? Is that John Mayer? What the crap is John Mayer doing at a wedding playing a Journey cover?

Do you see where I'm going here? So with that being said, lets get down to business. I am prepared to offer you the following if you come on over and hang out with us and possibly play a song or two (in a clean bulleted list no less):
- airfare and accommodations while in Virginia (20 minutes from DC)
- sweet wedding food and an open bar
- smoking hot bridesmaids (even some of the Asian persuasion if that's your bag)
- I'll take you to the place where Kenny Wayne Shepherd beat up one of my friends in a bar fight
- all the DC nightlife you can take in while staying in town

So that's my pitch. The wedding's on June 14th in case you were remotely interested. Kate (the lil lady) would probably flip her shit if you showed up (as she plays your BWE chocolate rain clip at least once a week to my dismay. Ok, it was funny but come on, once a week?)

Enclosed is a pic from a recent shoot kate and her bridesmaid did for fun to send to a VW buddy of mine overseas just so you can see some potential hot bridesmaid action.

xoxo,
Jason Kress
www.jkrew.com

Fuck these pills.

David Bowie's crotch
This is no children's movie
There is no codpiece

Abyss91: I mean serious. who the fuck puts THAT on the internet
jkrew: dude, imagine waking up to the door cracking open and THAT THING walking in the bedroom with a tub of coolwhip, a jiggling 12" black rubber cock and a cheshire cat smile
WTF
Abyss91: You know how I used to be the guy who crossed the line all the time.
I'm not any more.
Nope.
Jason is.
Nick is out.

Friday was a new friends birthday so kate and I headed out to a bar (that I was in my first semi-bar fight in a few years ago!) in VA. I was dead tired so I managed to take a nap before heading out. We were right on time (because we are dorks) so to kill time, we went to Target right before they closed and got Maalox, gum and an Indiana Jones Lego™ set.

There we were, sitting in the bar parking lot in our car, 10 o clock at night... building Lego. Anyhoo, after we felt a respectable "fashionably late" time had been reached, we walked in and as soon as I got through the door a group of random folks started screaming "WTF! JKREW!" at the bar. To my surprise a half dozen or so old car friends were already boozing it up in the back for whom I haven't seen in months. Kate wandered over to the birthday girl's group of friends while I got a beer and caught up quickly with old friends (some of which I didn't even know cared that much about me to begin with but was happily proven wrong.)

As time passed, more and more people I knew walked through the door. It was so cool to feel like I did several years ago when I was fairly deep in the car scene and knew just about everyone I came across. It was just like old times and I thought to myself why I had been holed up in my house this entire time if this was what it was like every weekend night.

We left an hour or so later and drove home. I had had one beer to my surprise (as I was scared of seizures due to the new meds) but was pretty happy with being able to drive home and not be worried about getting a DUI like past bar endeavors. The whole ride home kate and I were laughing at how bad we stunk due to all of the cig smoke too haha

Saturday was pure shit. All rain. I dropped Dara off at the mechanics shop and am REALLY unhappy with the notion that I will be without her for close to a month. 30 DAYS!!! It really does stink to be completely 100% car-less and I haven't gone this long without transportation since my cat went bad years ago.

Caught dinner with the rents that night and I was even allowed to borrow my step-pops bimmer while the car is in the shop. It has a few issues with a leaky set of wheels so I am doing my best to get that fixed and earn my keep for the extremely generous gesture he provided me with. Still a little surprised he has lent it to me again and I am very happy with the fact that he trusts me with it =) It is a pretty sweet ride. No frills, not a crazy euro-mobile but it drives great for an old gal with close to 200k on her. If I was in another life, I might have just become a Bavarian fan but who knows ;)

Sunday we caught brunch with some married friends and I had the best fucking omelette I have ever had in my entire life. That's pretty much the extent of my breakfast experience right there and I'm rambling because I'm tired as crap.

This week I have loads of shit to do. Make a billion websites for friends, work and family. Make a care package for Elliott at PVW. Clean up the house, design some pieces for Dara, order wedding invitations blah blah blah.

Anyways, there's the weekend entry for posterity. One week of meds (almost) down the hatch. Feeling ok about things. Fairly clear headed which is nice. No grumpy feelings etc etc etc. We'll see.

http://live.yahoo.com

I feel anxious.

Like whoa. Ugh.

Yesterday was good and bad at the same time. I went to a shrink appointment and I was so close to walking out it was silly. The building was in shithole Annandale VA, the office was even shittier with weird wallpaper borders lining the whole place. Kind of like country kitchen meets OCD clinic to the max.

So there I was sitting on the couch in the waiting room and I just sort of zone out and all of a sudden, I hear some talking in the room next to me. It was the fucking doc and patient just blabbing away for the world to hear. WTF. I started getting my stuff ready to leave and walk out when I heard the door open and out walked the doc and she called my name. UGH.

She was nice although I thought I was going to talk about feelings and puppies and stuff but all it was was a consultation, 30 questions here and there, what's wrong with you, what do you want to fix etc etc. She prescribed some drugs that would fix a few things and I was on my way.

Anyways, down the hatch goes the pill at 4pm and for the rest of the night I'm going crazy. Super anxious, headache, dizzyness and then the worst thing happened around 11. I GET FUCKING FREEEEZING. Like two sweatpants under three blankets cold. Kate was bringing the spooning action and that still didn't help even with her freaking furnace-hot ass that has the history of sweating me out of the bed if it comes an inch from me.

3am I'm finally warmish. My arm isn't numb and I feel as I'll survive the night and then go to bed.

I woke up today feeling average. Nothing good or bad, just average. Tired as balls but whatevs. Stay tuned I guess.

The concreteness of getting married brought upon a fact that I wasn't really aware of which hit me like a sack of dead babies the other week.

I have no friends.

Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of "acquaintances" but no "real friends". For some reason, all I have in my life are part-time friends. Maybe it was because I didn't want to find a replacement BFF after Stoner Dave left town. Maybe it was because I've never really had a real BFF in my life for as long as I can remember other than a handful of people who are now nowhere to be found.

It really is a shame and is seriously bringing me down when I start to think about it. No bachelor party, no best man to pick. No buddy to take me out drinking after I have a bad day at work.

So, when kate and I started getting fairly serious in our relationship, we agreed that we would start to make more of an effort to branch out and make new friends and to be more social. My prior relationship taught me one thing and that is to definitely not keep your mate as your only friend as when it goes to shit, and it often does, you are left high and dry all by yourself. Now I'm not saying Kate and I are parting ways (ever!) and I also will go down on record by saying that she is my best friend but a guy (and a girl) needs more than their significant other in their lives to be healthy.

Before dating kate I had a group of fairly close car friends who I spent close to every waking minute with. We were all different but the one thing that created the common bond were cars. I thought that was all I needed in life and many times defended them to my death in arguments with other people, namely my parents or other differing people in the scene who had disagreements with members in the crew.

Time passed and I grew up as did many of the people in the crew. People got married, had kids and other things mature people do. Other's stayed the same and didn't really advance. With each passing summer, the experiences became more tame, stories became more watered down. Friendships never really died, but as we grew older, we understood that our lives were becoming more complex and we needed more than what some of these people could provide.

The other day I realized that either I had worn out my welcome with the group or I simply just wasn't such a key member as I thought I was within the social circle. It wasn't a specific event that made it clear to me albeit a culmination of people showing their true colors which made me decide I didn't belong with these folks anymore. Real friends don't attack you. Real friends don't talk shit. Real friends give you the benefit of the doubt. The hardest part about it is that I really do like a few cats in the group but it's somewhat hard to get them apart from the roving group of assholes they socialize with. The bigger issue is that I will be seeing all of these people on a constant basis during the show season.

If you had to ask yourself, if you REALLY needed someone, how many people could you really count on to be there for you? Like, 4am, you needed 2 grand that night or you needed to go pound some sense into someone and needed help; how many people could you really count on?

Those are the kinds of people I consider friends and after this week, I can count on 2-3 people on a good day and that hurts. A lot. So my new resolution is to start going out and actually make an effort to find such friends as it's always good to know people who have 2 grand laying around at 4am *winks*.

It pisses me off that I let this get to me but it does and it's left me ruined for the past 48 hours. I have my appointment tomorrow and I'm nervous btw. Is it sad that I can't wait to be put on some sort of medication or something? I don't want to keep taking this anymore the way it is.

Because I was generally unknown, I was free to gamble with material, and there were a few evenings when crucial mutations affected my developing act. At Vanderbilt University in Nashville, I played for approximately 100 students in a classroom with a stage at one end. ... The show went fine. However, when it was over, something odd happened. The audience didn't leave. The stage had no wings, no place for me to go, but I still had to pack up my props. I indicated that the show had ended, but they just sat there, even after I said flatly, "It's over." They thought this was all part of the act, and I couldn't convince them otherwise. Then I realized there were no exits from the stage and that the only way out was to go through the audience. So I kept talking. I passed among them, ad-libbing comments along the way. I walked out into the hallway, but they followed me there too. A reluctant pied piper, I went outside onto the campus, and they stayed right behind me. I came across a drained swimming pool. I asked the audience to get into it—"Everybody into the pool!"—and they did. Then I said I was going to swim across the top of them, and the crowd knew exactly what to do: I was passed hand over hand as I did the crawl. That night I went to bed feeling I had entered new comic territory. My show was becoming something else, something free and unpredictable, and the doing of it thrilled me, because each new performance brought my view of comedy into sharper focus.

The act tightened. It became more physical. It was true I couldn't sing or dance, but singing funny and dancing funny were another matter. All I had to do was free my mind and start. I would abruptly stop the show and sing loudly, in my best lounge-singer voice, "Grampa bought a rubber." Walking up to the mike, I would say, "Here's something you don't often see," and I'd spread my mouth wide with my fingers and leap into the air while screaming. Or, invoking a remembered phrase from my days working in a magic shop, I would shout, "Uh-oh, I'm getting happy feet!" and then dance uncontrollably across the stage, my feet moving like Balla's painting of a Futurist dog, while my face told the audience that I wanted to stop but couldn't. Closing the show, I'd say, "I'd like to thank each and every one of you for coming here tonight." Then I would walk into the audience and, in fast motion, thank everyone individually.

Read the whole thing here: read me

It's 67º out today. This past weekend was awesome. Well more so sunday as it reminded me of when I actually went outside and did stuff in a social setting I mean.

Macaroni is selling me his suspension from his car so I can finally fix Dara's (daily driver) suspension (it bounces more than a porn star going down the road which sucks for me and my bladder). His suspension is pretty much top of the line so it will be nice to have a new-driving car again. Anyways, he was able to grab the rears but couldn't get the fronts without a special tool. So a month later, it took me nagging the shit out of him to finally get me over to his house to help with special tool in hand.

I rolled over to his house around 2ish after driving around and enjoying the weather beforehand (thank god) and stripped out Dara's guts before she went into the shop for a week or so. Macaroni and I drove over to his buddies house 30 mins away, jacked up the car, removed the front wheels and loosened pretty much every bolt needed to get the suspension off but the front coilover was refusing to let go so after an hour of hammering the shit out of it, we finally gave up. After putting everything back together, his buddy called so we waited around until they got to the house to say hi.

I didn't know that the guy who lived at the house went out with the girl I used to date a few years back which ended kind of weird so I was wondering if I was going to get punched in the face. All was well though and I was greeted with a smile (bygones I guess) and we just started shooting the shit and I found out that his Type R Integra was stolen that morning right in front of the house (gheeey).

One of the guys there said he could get the coilover off so we drove over to sears, got a socket that was needed to remove the spindle and came back and started allll over again. After 2 hours we FINALLY got the coilover off and prepared to put the replacement suspension back on but wouldn't you know, the guy I bought the suspension from failed to give us the right piece. Wonderful. So we called a friend back by my house who had the parts and we were on our way at 8 at night.

The guy driving had a 500$ Accord daily and we were laughing our ass off at what a piece it was the entire time. Getting off the highway exit, the driver (Jason) didn't really like braking in the off ramp so with me in the backseat trying not to shit myself, held on for dear life as the tires squealed to all hell for 30 seconds while I was laughing the entire turn. As soon as we got off we saw a kid in an STI so we punched it making the poor Accord (automatic) lurch forward with it's last breath belting out the loudest engine growl possible through the intake filter and we passed the STI at a blinding fast pace of at least 40 miles per hour and took off. I had tears falling down my face after looking at the driver's expression as we passed him.

Anyways, got the part, went back to the house and FINALLY got it all together and left at a princely 9:30pm.

Fun times. I really haven't acted like a jackass in years and although this is probably common practice for my other car friends, it sure was nice to actually just goof around again. I think this is going to be a good summer. I won't have any car project nightmares like last summer and all I will have to do is get married and enjoy the summer months =)

(apologies for the shittily (is that even a word?)-written entry. I am really hyped up on caffeine at the moment)