Click me

wow.

Click me

http://www.bonelesspigs.org/

I love that little country. Don't speak the tongue twister correctly, well, you'll see...

So I'm on craigslist this morning checking out the barter section (as I always do), and I see this. Ok, I know what it is right before I click it. It's another knockoff site where some middle aged soccermom or some unoriginal highschool guy thinks it's cool to steal someone elses idea and mangle it horribly.

I dunno, it just sort of upsets me how people just can't let a good idea be. If it's original and it works out spledidly, then just let it be. Don't copy it and lose the original message? Arghhh...

Oh and if the creators/copycats of:
• American Idol
• Trading Spaces
• savekaryn.com posers

et al, please stop. You had a good run. But just stop. Please.

The above photo is not posted to show off how much of a baller I am, it's meant to tell the world that I am one check away from getting my white ass out of debt. Like zippy. Nada. (Well, one more tiny student loan but who pays those off anyways?)
So, Starfucks, if yer reading this, you owe kate and I almost 1500$. So cough it up STAT.

*sigh

It's going to hurt giving that cash to someone who doesn't sell automobile parts.

Hooray! Well, we've been getting some good traffic lately (why do I keep saying "we". Everyone know's it's just me. Wow... creepy)... ANYWAY, good traffic. So now I want to start spreading the word so if you like the blog, please baby please, tell a friend or coworker, or both. Like the site like crazy? Well, why not download a banner and slap that bitch on yer site! Because that would rad. Thanks!

Phhsst... banners are over there ---->

Dear Jesus,

The guy i like is a christian so he isn't as open with his flirting. I was wondering if he likes me or not. He has always been friendly to me but recently he has been coming up to talk to me when ever he can. He looks into my eyes and smiles a lot. After church almost every week he asks me if i want to hang out outside w/ him. He likes to ask me to play football w/ him. But the thing that confuses me is that he told me himself that he likes the pastors daughter.

What do I do?

Sincerely,
Wanting to Know in Tucson

PLEASE READ COMMENTS FOR REPLY!

So my roommate had a shithole (no pun intended) of a bathroom. It didn't help that the stinky bastard (j/k nicky-poo) didn't clean the fucker out since he moved in 19 years ago. Anyhoo, due to the houses increasingly found build short cuts, it was just a big ole' piece of crap in general. The ceiling was leaking, the walls were rotten (who lays fucking straight drywall on a bathroom wall???!), the shower pipe was leaking, cracked and not even secured to the fucking wall joists etc etc etc.

So, first off, we had to start somewhere:


But wait, why is the wall still moist after not having been used in a week?! Oh yeah, that drywall issue. WTF? Rot rot rot.
That wouldn't do so it was demo time. Hooray for hammers and pick-axe things!


And after a week of on and off again work, and maybe 150 bucks total, there's a new bathroom shower, repaired walls, repaired water pipe, new pipe ends, new shower head, new light fixture and spanking sexy new tiles that are WATERPROOF Hooray!




What I learned in the process:
• demo is fun
• dremels, although able to cut through a 1/8" piece of stainless steel, can not cut through bathroom tile
• Home Depot will take back tile cutters and tile snippers even after being used extensively
• grout shrinks
• if you grout tile, don't cook sloppy joes and THEN wipe the tile off
• grounding light fixtures is for pussies. Real men rely on the black and white wires only
• I still don't know why a box of tampons were in the guest bathroom
• caulking is almost impossible to remove from a dogs back
• shop vacs really can suck up water from the toiletbowl after dropping a hammer in it

Time for a little bit of this:


to go into this:


A subwoofer in a toolbox?! INCONCEIVABLE! It'll be cool. Trust me...

Kind of sad a decade later.

(decade?! oh christ... *sigh)

jkrewdotcom: yer car dead now?
palk: very close.
jkrewdotcom: pooo
palk: i'm plagued with christinesque problems. it's hilarious
jkrewdotcom: "christinesque"?
palk: ever see steven king's "christine"? this is my constant view driving down the road.

jkrewdotcom: hahahaha wtf?!
palk: that's right ~ wipers stuck in up position
jkrewdotcom: that's totally euro
palk: agreed
jkrewdotcom: wow
palk: that's only th icing, really.
my favorite is how the double honk and hazard flash happens every 30 seconds, as if i'm unlocking my car with the remote. it's great to be sitting next to a pig at a stop light, involuntarily honking and flashing hazards.
jkrewdotcom: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA omg, that's awesome
palk: or how the windows roll themselves down when i'm not at the car ~ conveniently in a downpour.
i could go on and on.
jkrewdotcom: haha wtf?!
palk: CHRISTINS IS WTF
jkrewdotcom: haha
wow
I'll light a voodoo candle for the warpig
palk: i'm serious though, the car's trying to kill me.

Last night while sitting contently at my computer doing some work, my stomach came a grumbling. It was close to 9pm, I had spent most of the night doing freelance and well, I was fucking hungry. Usually thursday night is saved for my secret indulgence of Papa John's and a movie but I just couldn't wait. But I had a new craving this time around.

I thought back to the good ole' days when stoner dave was still in the building. He would usually order Domino's on a weekly basis and if I was at his house at the same time his stomach started grumbling, I could pretty much sucker him into ordering food 100% of the time. And knowing stoner D, he would always order a side of wings or nuggets for me as well, god bless that boy.

So I surfed on over to Domino's, found out I could order from the int0rweb and 5 minutes later, I was officially waiting for my food without lifting up the phone.

30-45 minutes later, I was greeted at the door by a friendly delivery guy with my food in tow. I signed the paper, gave him a princely tip and was ready to say my goodbyes but this time, unlike those rude fuckstains at Papa John's, I actually got a "Have a great night and thank you very much for the tip!"

Now that was nice wasn't it? The guy didn't just storm off like a prick like every other time from Papa Johns. I even said out loud to Carson, "Well, that was a very nice user experience, wasn't it Carson?" (I talk to my dog, suck it.)

When I sat down at the couch, I started on the nuggets first and when I opened the case and peeled back that foil, I was immediately brought back to the times with stoner dave. It was sad. I actually stopped for a second and smiled and missed my now long gone buddy and our pizza nights.

That being said, I must admit, the pizza wasn't as good as Papa Johns delectable sweet and tasty pies but the experience with the delivery guy well made up for it.

So take note Papa John's. There's a new flame in the life and belly of JKREW. You better clean up your act or your shit is gonna be sent packin'.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the WaterPik shower massager, model #SM-451.



It's a hand-held shower head with 4 spray/massage selections and features removable spray cup for easy cleaning. It comes complete with stationary mounting bracket and 5' of hose and finally comes in a very nice on the eyes white finish.

This is no ordinary shower massager though. I would even dare say that this shower massager was quite possibly created by Jesus himself. I mean if you're stuck in heaven for so much time, I would assume you would take up a few hobbies and Jesus obviously took up the hobby of shower massager creation.

It's like a million little streams of pure heaven gently massaging my back and my troubles away. And I haven't even tried the 3 other settings!

Highly recommended folks. Pick one up today at your local Target for under 20 bucks! Jesus would be happy.

Well, everyone who knows me will say that I'm gay for Marty McFLy. This is pretty sweet if you like the series. If you don't well, you can eat a bag of poo.

Click me

No one cares about your stupid iPod knockoff Mr. Gates. Shoo.

So miami ink. TLC channel's runaway hit show. Tonight was the PREMIERE episode of it's second season. Within the hour long episode, there were 6 personalized bumpers where one of the shops artists actually told viewers to check out a specific URL to vote on wether they should hire a girl that came in.

So I go to said URL and ON THE FRONT FUCKING PAGE there is this clusterfuck:



Dude. Seriously.

Quoting j@jkrew.com:

Hey guys,

My name is Jason Kress, (stormdc/JKREW) on the vwvortex. As you may or may not already know, I'm almost done with a buildup of my MK2 and wanted to explore any possible new mods before H20 comes along. I think a good ole' slamming would do the trick and wanted to know if you guys were interested in a partial/full sponsorship with a suspension setup.

Here is the buildup thread: http://forums.vwvortex.com/zerothread?id=2570803

This would be a great chance to get your name on a windshield if you are interested.

Please let me know if this piques your interest as I would love to talk to you guys some more about it.

Regards,
Jason Kress
301.996.5739

----- End forwarded message -----


Quoting MJM Autohaus :

We do not sponsor first time customers.

A relationship must first be built.

Thanks,

Kelly Madden
Sales Manager
sales@mjmautohaus.com

www.mjmautohaus.com
210.DUB.PART (382.7278)

----- End forwarded message -----


Dearest Kelly,

You raise a very good point about building a relationship first and I do apologise for my very forward actions. That being said, let me tell you a little bit about myself...

I was raised by two very loving parents off the coast of New Zealand where our principal income was created by wool sales from our large stock of sheep. It wasn't much but the love we had for our business as well as for each other kept us happy and warm at night. On my 18th birthday, I felt it was time for me to pack up my meager belongings and head to America to make my fortune with the sale of single serving snack cakes. Upon my arrival to America, I was instantly heart broken when I found out that not only was the market flooded with single serving snack cakes, my hand mixer that had been in my family for generations was mistakenly thrown overboard with the ships waste.

So there I was, cold, broken hearted and without a penny to my name in America. And then I had an epiphany. I would restart anew. I mean this was America right? The land of the free, where the streets were paved with gold! I would make my fame and fortune with Volkswagens. And that is where I am today Kelly. I have found myself a loving girlfriend and great starter car we named Betty. She is pretty much the best car we have ever owned and we have been taking awards left and right this show season. The last hurdle we must face is the infamous H20 International.

Being a modest immigrant from New Zealand, I must admit that I have my reservations about this show. It is one of the best and biggest in the country. Who will it be Kelly?

Won't you help this quiet farm boy from a distant land kelly?

I'll patiently keep refreshing my mailbox in hopes for your reply.

Sincerely,
Jason Kress

But it's exciting when major internal AOL documents get leaked to the press and you find out they are the documents that you designed! wheeeeeee =)

Click me

Well, this passed the time last time I was bored so why not give it another go...

I just installed a bathroom light fixture because I am THAT BORED.

I washed two cars, laid three walls of tile, washed the dog, did laundry and now I'm about to build a model car.

Giving up alcohol is for the birds.

What do people do instead of drinking? Seriously. I think I may go wash the dog again.

Man, what the fuck. Puking is the ghey.

Click me

What more do I need to say?

Click me

So I had this idea while in the shower yesterday morning (as most of my ideas either come from the shower or when I'm about to fall asleep) and it involved bringing a guest writer to the blog o' mine. The person would write about whatever he/she wanted to write. What was going in their life that week. Certain drama or achievements, or just plain old perspectives of daily life and routine. Parents, love, sex, anger et al.

Now, ok, that's kinda cool. Something fresh etc etc but I wanted to push it a little and have the writer be a teenaged girl. Ok, now before I lose you altogether, go with me here. You have to admit that peeping into the mind of a high-school/college aged gal could be a kind of unusual experience for all age groups of the readers out there. If yer a girl, you could compare what you read to your life, if yer a guy you could finally get into the head of how the opposite sex worked. Or maybe just simply laugh/admire/reminisce about all the shit you went through years ago.

Plus there is the whole voyeur thing which, in this day and age, has become taboo to just about everyone in politically correct America.

But where to begin. I am sort of tapped out with my teenaged girl connections. So I did what anyone would do when looking for an angsty teen... myspace! But who would have thought that finding a spicy 16-18 year old girl on myspace would be so difficult.

Myspace allows anyone to search by country which is kind of cool. Never really needed to "shop" for anyone on myspace in the past seeing how I was already dating kate when I was introduced to myspace waaaaay back in the day. So I started searching.

I'll tell you one thing though... a certain cold chill went down my spine when I set the age parameters to "18". *shudders* Am I really going to search for teenaged girls? (On the clock no less haha) It was a slow day after all.

After a few minutes of quick searching in the america section and noticing that EVERY SINGLE GIRL looked like they were employees of Hot Topic™, I moved on to farther spots on the planet. Sweden, Italy, Rwanda, Beirut, Ireland, Iceland... just about anywhere you want to look but something became suddenly clear to me.

Everyone looked the same. Everyone had the same goofy haircuts and the same goofy expressions and 1/4 face isometric photographic poses. Everyone was sad or angry or using CrZy TypE LiKe THiS. Wow. How did one website spread a style of life so rampantly? I mean, sure there were the few apples out there with their own unique look but all in all it was sort of scary.

I picked 2-3 hopefuls, sent off a quasi-creepy mail and hoped for the best. I got a few bites and one very nice reply but I still can't get over the "sameness" of everyone I saw. It makes me sort of happy that I guess as much as I grow up and look back at my teenaged life, I can sort of smile and know that everyone goes through the same shit. Everyone goes through the same problems.

I just never had myspace. Or the internet. Or Hot Topic™. (Fuck that makes me feel old)

I'm wondering if I was better off =)

Kate's list to be combined later. Duh.

• Go to Orioles game and have a hotdog and beer
done • Tubing down the Shenandoah
• Go to a fair
• Drive in movie
partially done • Bugout 59, H20 etc etc
one down, many to go • Repeated trips to the beach
• Waterparks in tri state area
• Camp out at Assateague to see wild horses
That's about it. I don't want to say "cross country trip to cali" or any other shit that I have no hopes to do. Keep it simple I always say.

kate's list:
not gonna happen • trip up to rochester, ny to see their bonsai arboretum
• finding all the cool swimming holes in western va
•bull run swimming hole
•the tubs
• rawley springs
•dismal falls
• cedar creek falls
•these are in md
•cascade lake
•milford mill
been to two so far • car shows, car shows, car shows
meh dunno if I wanna do this anymore• at least one trip to the baltimore aquarium
• at least one gala or banquet just for kicks
• see a ballet
• see the national symphony orchestra
• soaking in a state hotspring

Oh Chris Cunningham... (at least it doesn't have the Aphex Twin creepy face thing that gave me nightmares for two months)

Click me

From Karl...

ok, just over four years ago at the start of september 2002, i took a few weeks to travel around the west coast of ireland, meeting old friends, making new ones. After an interesting and rather odd trad session as i was playing rythym guitar for part of it, i left johnny spoons caravan on Aran Mór (the larger aran island) and decided to get the boat & coach back to Gallimh (galway), and then attempt to get a coach to tralee co. kerry. i'd told my friend Con that i may need a bed and he lived that way.

Before too long I arrived at his house in st. james park and we decided to hit the boozer hard. I was a few pints in when Brendan, Con's best mate showed up. He told me his tale of how he'd left the gardaí (police) in dublin and got reposted to kerry after the birth of his child. He was a nice chap, and we continued drinking, me finding it odd that con's best mate was a garda.

The next thing another mate arrived in, and started laughing with them about something, I asked what it was and Brendan decided to tell me. It turns out that his little brother had just gone back to college the previous week in Tralee RTC and hooked up with a few old mates he hadn't seen since the previous academic year. One of them managed to borrow a car and after pooling their resources they managed to come up with a couple of six packs and a small lump of hash. They decided to drive out towards the coast and the ring of Kerry, which is basically a road on a tall cliff face. At a corner along the coast road they pulled over and hopped over one of those low stone walls you see over the length and breath of that part of the country. There was fuck all in the field that led the 60 yards to the cliff but for some scrub and a donkey.

They headed out towards the edge of the cliff basically looking for somewhere a tad wind guarded to skin up a number. The wind along those cliffs is a force and all of that. So in a kind of incline in the land right at the edge of the cliff-face they come across the oddest thing, a huge rotting lump or part of an oak tree trunk, about 10 foot long and five foot high. They didn't really tax themselves as to what the fuck it was doing there but glad of its shelter they skinned up a number or two and drank some beer.

Brendans brother got a fairly typically stoned idea into his head. He said

" lads, what say we fuck this trunk off the cliff onto the rocks and sea way below there?"

"ahhh sure why not."

so they all grab a bit and strain to pick it up.

"ahhh one, ahh two, ahh three"

they fuck it off the top of the cliff. Next thing they hear an odd noise

"ca, chung, ca chung, ca, chung"

there had been a chain tied to the trunk all the while hidden in the scrub that was now following the trunk down into the sea.

they turned in unison as you would

"heeeee haaaaaw, heeeee haaaaaaw, heeeee haaaaaw"

screamed the donkey as he barellled at them at velocity tied as he was to the chain.

the last thing they saw was his arse as he bulleted off the edge of the cliff, and they sped back to the car.

I swear this will be totally worth it if it works out.....




jkrewdotcom: yer so cute
ugh I just wrote a mail to a teenaged girl hahahaha
save me
*showers the gross off
kate: um. why?
jkrewdotcom: hold on
kate:
TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON??
jkrewdotcom: *inserts letter sent to girl here*
*scrubs
kate: baaaaaaaaaaaahhahahaha
yeah sorry Love but that's totally creepy
jkrewdotcom:shut it!@

Well, my roommate Rambo just bought another toy. I have $20 bucks on the fact that either his leg, my bedroom wall or carson is going to get a .22 caliber rifle round put in them within the month. Pray for me folks. (Oh and for the dog too...)

a)


or

b)


A's headboard is made from seatbelts and is webbed with a metal frame. B's is made completely from steel but is $100 bucks more. I would like a wodden frame but those are hella expensive. Plus I loooove stubbed toes anyways.

I know I need to be saving but I really need a new bed. I never get a good nights sleep plus it's about fucking time I kick the ghetto frame to the curb. Big boys need actual real beds I guess.

Sorry for the lack of posts folks. Been working on some sites that may pay the bills. wheeee!

Lemme know if you are getting any pop ups from now on. Danka!

and I started thinking about back in 1998 when Fred Durst was king. And now he has to fake a Sidekick hack to get exposure.

Man, that sucks. Seriously. How bad must it blow to be at the top of the fucking world one year and then somehow be so hated and laughed at that NO ONE listens to you anymore.

Oh well. Poor DJ Lethal. Who will take care of him? WHO I ASK YOU?

So, it's been close to a month here at the new jobby-job. It's been slow at first getting the lay of the land as well as making the mental transition from print to web land. Keep in mind that I have done nothing but print-based work for the past 9 years.

Now most of you readers are probably artists in some way shape or form. For those of you who aren't or haven't really dabbled in the web world, here is a perfect example of what I found funny/interesting my first few days on the job.

So without further adieu, I present the first part in a multipart series entitled: RGB vs. CMYK

Below, you will find a screen cap of a webpage on vw's site as it is today. They told me they wanted to change out the interior pic for the rabbit because (well, it's a photo of a MK4, not a MK5) it was wrong.



Easy enough right?

Well, the photo they had wasn't wide enough to show enough of the steering wheel behind the sample of fabric patch. Now, if I were in CMYK land, I would raise a red flag, phonecalls would be made, other photos would be researched, art departments would open a job ticket for billing research time and honestly, if a suitable photo wasn't found anywhere, we would probably reshoot it. And that's not even touching on the fact that the photo would have to be at least 250 dpi so it could print nicely and if not, it couldn't be used.

That's a pain in the ass isn't it?

Well, welcome to RGB land my friend. Where everything is 72 dpi. Photoshop BLAZES fast and 2 gig PSD files are a thing of the past! Photo not wide enough? Just pixel stretch that bitch!

This photo wouldn't pass the test in CMYK land for a second:



Well, just throw that fabric swatch over it and shrink it down to screen res and VOILA!!! No one is the wiser.



Life is good once again.

Let's quit our jobs!
http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/tfr/181607656.html

Sincerely,
JKREW

I really can't decide what is the best part... the rabbit, the graphics, the supreme use of scripting...

hahahahahahahahahahaha

I guess this is just funny to designers/art directors but hey, read it anyways because I said so.

Click me

Sorry mom, if Stossel says no to comic sans, well, then it has to be true.

And this is what I wrote on the application...

Well, let's see. I love me some technology. When I was 16, my pops bought me the first generation of in-car cd players. So on my birthday, I drove over to his house at the asscrack of dawn and unwrapped that beautiful box made by Pioneer. 30 minutes later I was the proud owner of a 500$ box of metal that would skip if I drove over a bug in the road.

But I was the first and that is all that mattered.

A few years later, I decided to pursue the graphic designer route so I high-tailed it to CompUSA to pick up this little known computer called a Macintosh. The Power PC 7600/120. With a whopping 16megs of ram and a simply massive 1.2 gig HD, I thought I was the bees knees. Soon I was blazing through photoshop filters with reckless abandon. Using KPT effects the world had never seen before. Bryce 1.0 was my bitch! Countless rave flyers and trippy algorithm-based designs wowed my friends with no end in sight.

And it was all downhill from there.

Fast forward to when I met my girlfriend. She out-nerded me on every level. Her house was hardwired with cat-5 in every room. She had networked a total of seven X-Boxes together for good old-fashioned family Doom frag matches. Her dad had a 6.1 dolby system in the dining room. It was unreal. But there was a downside to this fairy tale romance.

She was a PC user.

I know, it was incredibly hard to get over at first. I had to constantly bite my tongue when her measly peecee crashed almost every week. "Get a mac" I wanted to say. But no. For the sake of our future love, I held back. But then something glorious happened. A month ago, my own mother told me she had it up to here (put your flat palm against your forehead for reference) with pc's. The constant crashing, viruses and bug-ridden software had gotten the best of her. It was time for a change.

So she bought a mac book.

My own mother, the very one who once asked me how to "download the internet" switched. It was a beautiful moment. But now that brings me to my next life hurdle. Bringing my own GF to the mac side. I know I can do it but it's going to be tough. But with the help of the almighty SlingPlayer, hopefully I can sway her opinion of macs that little bit more to get her to make the switch.

Help me SlingPlayer. I have everything I ever wanted in life. A nice car, a great job, a mom who uses a mac and a girlfriend with the sweetest ghetto booty on a white girl the world has ever seen. Help me fill that tiny void in my life and let me show the missus what SlingPlayer can do to make her life complete on a mac.

XOXO,
Jason Kress

And well, he has maybe washed it.... um... never? So to get him to clean his ride, I spent 1.5 hours in 100% humidity clay barring/two-step compounding and added three coats of wax.

To just his hood.

It's the cleanest hood in VA right now. But thats the only clean part of the car. Then I went inside to have a beer.

*snickers

And well, he has maybe washed it.... um... never? So to get him to clean his ride, I spent 1.5 hours in 100% humidity clay barring/two-step compounding and added three coats of wax.

To just his hood.

It's the cleanest hood in VA right now. But thats the only clean part of the car. Then I went inside to have a beer.

*snickers

Kate wrote my webname on her boob and sent me a photo.
If that isn't true love in the making I have no idea what is.

2005:

(man, I was a fatty)

2006: