So I have a phone interview with this dream job place tomorrow. At 4. I was talking to my "flesh peddler" about what they wanted/how I was looking to them etc etc and he said they were pleased as punch that I got some web samples together so quickly and that I didn't say "fine whatever" when they decided I didn't have enough web experience.

I also asked if my headhunter had mentioned my obsession with VW to them and he said he did, he even told them I had an "R32" (ha! Yeah right, like I would spend that kind of cash on a 3.2 VR). Anyways, they said it was a MAJOR selling point that I bled VW blue and I started thinking... maybe this has all been preparation for this job?

Mom always said shit happens for a reason and well, I have sort of sucked at the whole "working for a living thing" in the past. Maybe I can rule at something I would live and die for. (Ok, well not live and die for but I would and have shed a shit load of blood for them in the past. Just look at my cut up arms.)

So anyhoo, I have to brush up on some web lingo as this is a pretty large web job and I am scared out of my mind for it. I know it's just an interview and it's not even an in-house one but hell, I am as nervous as I was with kate back in the day and we all know where that brought me. Maybe this is for the best.

So yeah, cross yer fingers. Daddy needs a new job.

jkrewdotcom: we have a major issue on our hands
herobynight: uh oh
don't we always?
jkrewdotcom: yeah so your girl started looking at wedding items and then asked my girl her opinion and that snowballed into her looking for gowns and now people have wedding fever.
we need some serious damage control and idea aversion STAT.
so what I need you to do is have sex with an incredibly obese woman or a chimp to change the subject at hand. I know this is going to be difficult but I have heard chimps can be very tender lovers.
herobynight: yeah, she's been looking into gowns and whatnot...I think she just wants stuff and to make a registry.
hmm
wouldn't it be more effective if I were to have some kind of relations with someone incredibly attractive?
jkrewdotcom: well you could, but I was saving that for me. I want to be a team player and if I really have to have sex with evangeline lily, I'd do it to help you out. But ONLY to help you out. i would be thinking about kate the entire time.
Damn this situation mike. Damn it to hell.
herobynight: listen, my friend, this IS a team, and neither of us must force the hand of the other in this rather dire set of circumstances...we'll tag team an attractive hooker- that way, we can close our eyes the entire time
and think of our girls, yet still play ball
jkrewdotcom: ok, I'll do it. I just don't want my balls anywhere near your balls. That would make the hooker tag-team thing totally weird to me.
herobynight: I understand, we can take different ends
jkrewdotcom: I want the one with the least std's! DIBS!
herobynight: anyway, we'll have our eyes closed, no balls will be seen.
we're tag teaming one, so we'll get the same stdless one
jkrewdotcom:ok fair enough. I think this decision is amicable.
Pick you up at 8?
herobynight: excellent...by the docks?.
jkrewdotcom: of course

jkrewdotcom: ok, whats it going to take to get you at my party?
gaydave: make me an offer
(when is this party anyway and what is it for?)
jkrewdotcom: ok, I will personally have one of my boy servants follow you around for the entire night and cater to your every drink order
sometime in september, my birthday
gaydave: oh good lord, september?
you do plan ahead, don't you
jkrewdotcom: gotta start saving for sheena easton
gaydave: hey, i heard today was your last day!
i didn't know!
that's so sad!
jkrewdotcom: I hate you
gaydave: heheheheheheheh
jkrewdotcom: you are the worst gay friend ever
gaydave: shannon just told us what you said
about why is everybody asking you to do stuff that's done by the end of the day
hehehehehe
funny
jkrewdotcom: get another fag hag, I quit!
*crosses arms and storms out in queen fashion
gaydave: thank god - does this mean i don't have to go to your fucking party?
jkrewdotcom: man, you gays take sarcasm to an entirely different level us straights haven't even seen before. Kudos.

I feel fucking good today.

I would like to thank the following:
• the latin americans who picked my coffee beans
• Ranaldo, my barista at Au Bon pain who gave me 3 free shots this morning
• caffeine
• kates boobs
• Mauro, my headhunter who is whoring me out to the best of his ability right now
• the magestic dodo
• baby jesus

Bug Out 59, May 28, 2006

VW CRUISERS FLIGHT VW #5 , June4, 2006

Super Jam, June 11, 2006

Waterfest, July 15/16, 2006

Summer Sizzle, July 29, 2006

Strictly VWs Show-N-Cruz 2006, August 5, 2006

Bug Out 60, September 3, 2006

H2O International, September 23/24, 2006

Fall Show and Go, October 8, 2006

jkrewdotcom: I lined up some work for us
herobynight: oh yeah? what
jkrewdotcom: well your GF needs to move right?
herobynight: most likely, yeah
jkrewdotcom: well she offered kate and I money to help her move
so my intuitive brain starts thinking and I'm like "Dude, you know once kate shows up, erin and her are gonna be all girly and shit and start reading cosmos and talking about vaginas and what not and then mike and I will be stuck moving shit."
herobynight: very true
yeah, she already promised me some money and sexual favors for helping her move, and I agreed.
A job for a job.
jkrewdotcom: well, I capitalized on the idea and proposed a business plan to erin when if we moved stuff for her, she and kate would make out and have a nightie tickle fight for us
herobynight: ahhhhh
not a bad addition
jkrewdotcom: yeah I mean it's win win because everyone knows that girls like to touch eachother whenever they have the opportunity and well, I'll just come out and say it, I like it when girls do that just like god intended
and being how kate only has a few more months left in school, her window of opportunity to have a college lesbian experience is fading away faster than the future of the majestic dodo
herobynight: the only problem is erin has already had hers, and I'd worry she'd like it just a little too much
jkrewdotcom: shit. I wasn't planning for this wrench in the cogs
ok so should we just stick to the tickle fighting?
maybe the scissor fucking was too much
herobynight: perhaps, I'd like to keep my pleasure palace in top condition
jkrewdotcom: yeah, I see your point

Wolfmother is the hardest rocking new band since Queens of the Stone Age. If Ozzy and Led Zeppelin had gay sex while Queens and Cream masturbated in the corner, they would have Wolfmother as the offspring.

Go check them out.

So I was given a link today on the int0rweb that had some old drum and bass mixes on them so I'm all like "Hey, I'll just download those so I can listen to them while I work today. (It's a proven fact that music makes me more productive.)

Anyhoo, I'm happy like a bug in a rug reminiscing over all of the old mixes I hadn't heard in like a bazillion years and then I find the root file they were all in...

What's this? No way?!

I find "01_Phantom45_-_dusted_fader_(side_a).mp3"

And I'm not expecting most, if any, of you guys to know but Phantom 45 is probably one of my most favourite DJ's to have ever come along in the dance/d&b world. I first heard him while I was in college at Maryland and got a mixtape from a fellow raver buddy and I was hooked ever since. A year later I bought the mixtape that I just found. Good ole double sided 90 minute tape. I think I played it so many times it snapped the tape =)

Fast forward a few years later when my ex was managing Buzz (massive nightclub in DC) and I finally met Mistah 45. We hit it off, exchanged numbers and emails and got to be really good buddies ever since.

So here I am, blasting his mixes in my headphones, writing him an email to catch up, all with a smile on my face.

recruiter: so yeah, I know of this one place about 4 blocks from your house that is looking to hire an art director. Mostly interactive stuff. Well, they're kind of small but have one or two HUGE clients.
me: o rly?
recruiter: yeah, one of them is VW.
me: *drops phone
recruiter: hello? What's that noise? Are you humping the phone dude?


Dear Baby Jesus,

I know I threw that rock at that spanish kids back in third grade and then blamed it on the school bully and for that I am really REALLY sorry but I did stop traffic last week to chase the baby geese across the road so they wouldn't get hit and I gave up my seat on the bus for the blind dude last month so I understand that I don't really deserve this job per say but I am kind of a nice guy and I love your dad and stuff so PLLLLLEASSSEEE hook a niggah up with that job.

XOXO,
JKREW

WHEEEEEEEE!!!!

First big VW show of the season is next sunday so we were busy busy...

Editors note: both kate and I showered maybe once for the entire weekend so please excuse all bedhead and multiple days of the same clothes. We got class coming out of our ass =)

Thanks to Halstead Sr. for the use of his tools. (Even if they were Dewalt)

DaveAtWork: hows that uh... work going?
jkrewdotcom: haha well, no boss today, someone threw away my god damn water bottle and I have NO IDEA where my left shoe is.

It's on like viet kong!

Can't Help Falling In Love $429

Use of chapel
Elvis will escort the bride down the aisle and give
her away
Elvis will sing three songs; before, during and after ceremony
Half dozen rose bouquet
Rose boutonniere
Professional photography
12 poses
(6) 4x6’s (2) 5x7’s and (1) 8x10
DVD of ceremony
Graceland marriage certificate holder

xodiac: ...[want any freelance work sent your way?]... like repetitive stuff, putting branded brochures together, etc
im trying to pick up some more work from some clients, but im maxxed out

jkrewdotcom: Well, if it puts food in my gut and car parts on my cars, I'd suck off a taiwanese balloon animal maker.

Abnormal Levels of Patience


My Current Patience of "Y"
---------------------------- <--- the "line"


Normal Levels of Patience



This model is based on the equation of:



d = patience
r = shit that pisses me off
t = frequency of r

Can you solve for Y bitches?

jkrewdotcom: haha
fuck I hate this place more than ever and please tell me to shut the fuck up if I complain too much
kate: you have every right to complain
that place sucks prepubescent taiwanese boy balls
I had to think really hard about that. sad huh?
well I guess I didn't need to say boy because most girls don't have balls.


So it gets better. They just pulled the only other production designer into the CD's office and said "Hey, at the end of the month, when May leaves... well, you're leaving too."

Did I mention he has two kids, and one on the way?

FUCK this industry. No one has any honour anymore. Seriously, I am starting to think I can teach my self to survive on the salary of a Starfucks barista instead of ever doing design ever, EVER again.

I DROVE DARA YESTERDAY. it was extremely nerve wracking. despite that we got along quite well.

the end.

For the time being, this blog is now not being listed anywhere. If you know the addy already then thanks for being a loyal reader but if not, well, you wouldn't be reading this anyways!
It is against my wishes but hey, some people know whats best for me I guess. For the time being.

My reasoning in a nutshell:
I choose to keep my blog public, thus, my life is public for the world to see. It has bitten me in the ass many times but it is my choice and I choose to let people see what is going on in my life. Call it a mutally satisfying need to let people/be voyeuristic.

I plan to advertise to people now to get new design business. My mom doesn't think clients should see my blog. I agree and disagree.

Agree: clients will think I am immature/foul mouthed etc etc and she's right, it's not professional.
Disagree: If a potential client is scared away or shocked by my words/stories, then I don't want them as a client anyways.

So, being how I don't even have a pot to piss in, mom wins this battle but hopefully, 5 years from now, I will be able to pick and choose my clients. I want clients who want to have fun. I want clients who let me push some boundaries.

Soon, but not now I suppose.

Well folks, I have about two weeks left at my stint at Ogilvy but it's starting to get a little weird. People are beginning to act strange and well, maybe it's just me but the creepy vibe is starting to get fairly bad.

So, since I have no plans on being loyal to someone who won't be loyal to me (plus I'm not required to stay) I am now officially on the hunt for the last job of my life.

All I really want is a fun place to work that isn't 19 hours away and will respect me for killing myself for them. When I am at a job, I do everything in my power to be a loyal worker and when it comes to working 60+ hours a week, I don't give any complaints. What I would like in return would have to be an employer who see's me doing said activity and thanks me for it. Or at least acknowledges it for baby jesus' sake.

What JKREW is looking for in an employer/place of business:

• workflow. When I am bored, I get in trouble. Just keep my inbox full and I will be happy.

• creative atmosphere. If you don't love design, it will show. If you don't respect creative output over monetary input, I want nothing to do with you. I would rather get paid shit money and make wonderful things than get paid an obscene amount of cash and do horrible work. Been there, done that. Learned my lesson.

• Fun atmosphere. If it's quiet and boring in your office, I will be fired in a month. Just FYI.

• Keep the politics to a minimum. I don't do politics and I really don't do political correctness. I'm not from europe and you aren't from africa. I'm white, you're black. If your jokes suck, I won't laugh and I'll probably tell you that your jokes suck. I don't go around grabbing the random boob but if you have a nice skirt or shirt on, I will compliment you. I play my music fairly loud if it doesn't bother the people near by. It may have curse words in it. Just FYI part two.

• This is me.
- I am pretty borderline crazy.
- I have a mouth like a sailor sometimes yet still know when to be respectful and businesslike when needed.
- I am a little weird.
- I am boisterous.
- I'm a nice guy. I make sure people are happy to the best of my ability. I make people laugh just to see smiles.
- I shout.
- I clap my hands to get attention and laughs from people.
- I do cartwheels down hallways sometimes.
- I surf the web for car parts on my lunch break (and when it's slow at work, I won't lie.)
- I once filled my office with $100 dollars worth of beach sand and worked in my flip flops for three weeks.
- I love music. It helps me work.
- I'm fucking good really good but sometimes I need to be pushed.
- I have undiagnosed ADD.
- I have missed one deadline in my entire life and that was my first project at my first job. I learned my lesson.


That's about it. Please file an orderly queue for interviewing me. First come first served. Limit one per customer.

No seriously, I know what I'm doing...

*gulps

Kate and I are back. =) Finally...

oh, and fun making holes and stuff with Johnny Macaroni =)

Watch to the end folks...

NSFW if your work has a problem with humping dogs.

jkrewdotcom: you don't blog anymore
rync: sorrry
i suck
jkrewdotcom: boooo
rync: i talk to you everyday
you know what's up with me
jkrewdotcom: haha I guess. i never get the juicy stuff!
rync: haha
yes you do
jkrewdotcom: oh, well ok then. Keep up the good work!  *slaps ass
Good hustle!
rync: haha
i'm just in a kind of purgatory i think
jkrewdotcom: yeah me too
My life is hella boring lately
thus the need for a misdemeanor, affair or some sort of "quest" that involves an archer, wizard and elf.
rync: Hahah


Well, here ya go folks. I REALLY need more to do during the day...

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/stp/160051450.html

I'm telling you, something about driving a VW and impressing your girlfriend should just be taken into consideration when being caught speeding.

Click me

Well, I guess that's one way to test out your new R32 =)

but a man is truly not a man until...

he owns a bench vise.



Today is a proud day in the life of JKREW.

Yay/nay?

I'd be the only person in america with them and they are practically going to be free. hmmm, so tempting. How much blood can I get out of my arm THIS week?

Where do you draw the line?

Personally, I would say I am honest when it counts. But, on the other hand, I steal cookies from Harris Teeter. The sign says take one but sometimes I take two.

I lie too. When someone asks me if I have done something and I didn't because I forgot, I will say I did it and it's coming right up. Or, when my mom asks me if I have called to set up an appointment with the dentist and I didn't yet.

Once, I stole meat without knowing I didn't ring it up at the grocery store and realised it when I was walking out to my car but never went back.

I once put in a logo my art director made in my portfolio because I was still young and didn't have a full enough portfolio. That's pretty much the worst thing I did as a designer and still feel HORRID about it to this day. Obviously I took it out but it was still such a hack thing to do.

I lied to my ex all the time. Not bad things, just shit that would get her to stop talking my ear off when on the phone.

I sometimes change my persona to get what I want. Like when I'm at a junkyard haggling on a price, I will act poor or redneck and say I can get it cheaper at the junker down the road. Or when I need a favor at a gas station, I will act more "blue collar" to get a hook up. Or act more "black" to get a hookup in the mailroom. <--- horribly insensitive sentence I know. Forgive me.

Anyways, you get the point. I will never, EVER without a doubt cheat on a girlfriend. Ever. Ok, maybe kissing but that was only once.
I won't wreck the family car and blame a robber.
I won't murder someone and blame someone else.
I won't steal from my roommates wallet.

When does a white lie turn into a black one for you? Where do you draw the line with honesty?

Phone lines are now open.

1. She ain't afraid to wire a car alarm.

2. see #1




Oh, and the coolest carport in america...

Well folks... looks like I may just try this whole "one man band" thing out. After being continuously shit on for damn near 6+ years, I think I may just be right on the edge of saying "fuck you" to all of them and doing it on my own.

It's pretty much the first gamble in my life where I am more excited for than worried for.

Plus, working in your underwear is like, totally right up my fucking alley.

jkrewdotcom: ugh so get this shit... I'm obviously freelancing at ogilvy and there was a position that my superior (AD) told me was potentially opening. It was pretty much what I was doing here to begin with but I guess they decided they needed to hire someone full time
So, I've been busting my ass for damn near 8 months here working 60+ hours etc etc
anyways, a month ago, the boss asks for my salary requirements and it was taken pretty well when I told her.
fast forward to an hour ago at a company wide creative meeting where the creative director announced he was looking forward to a reply from someone he was excited to hire after they had given that person an offer
and the person was to be hired as the spot I was going for.
How fucked up is that shit. Wouldn't even fucking tell me to my face.
workis4jerks: Good God.
What the fuck is that.
Sounds like it's time to leave Cleveland steamers on desks.
jkrewdotcom: yeah dude. so here I am wanting to slap her in the fucking face and walk out right now but a) I need a good reference and b) I don't have shit for money to support myself if I did quit right now
workis4jerks: Wow, what a weak position.
(that's what she said... to Khoi)
jkrewdotcom: hahaha
workis4jerks: Sorry to hear it, man.
jkrewdotcom: meh, thanks
I hate this industry
I really don't want to do this anymore

I feel utterly betrayed.

Sometimes, when I look at my life, I try to imagine what it would be like if it went an entirely different way. What would it be like if I had the life of the football hero from highschool who had the new mustang, the prom queen and the perfect smile.

What would it be like if I stayed at Maryland studying law. Became an incredibly wealthy international negotiation lawyer, drove a Modena and married the aforementioned prom queen.

What would it be like if I chose the path my father laid out for me, or the path my highschool guidance counselor suggested.

What would it be like if I did everything that society suggested be the perfect way to do things?

If I said what was needed to be said to get that raise. To laugh at my bosses horrible jokes. To drive that Honda Accord to work every day in a sensible manner, obeying the speed limit. Worked normal hours, got home at 5:15, kissed the wife on the cheek, ate dinner, watched American Idol and had sex every Saturday morning.

What would it be like if I wore that red sweater my mother knit for me to the holiday dinner? To sing carols, drink eggnog, exchange gifts, and get that roto-tiller I was waiting all year for?

What would it be like if I counted my pennies, stayed on that budget and after 3 years of saving, was FINALLY able to buy that Honda 600cc motorcycle with matching leather sidebags, leather jacket and shiny new helmet.

What would it be like to have a closet full of polo's. A closet full of crisp white oxfords that I got on sale at marshalls. A dozen ties with similar weave patterns and color.

Sometimes I really wish I had that life. To live the status quo. To be "comfortable". Never having any drama or problems, where everything was easy and John Tesh.


Wait, no I don't. I would cut my fucking wrists if I led that life.

I like drama.
I like "issues".
I like being different.
I like rebuilding a car that doesn't matter to anyone else other than me.
I like having not only a stunningly beautiful girlfriend, I like that she is fucking crazy. I like how her family is fucking crazy. I like that sometimes she cries for no reason to only be giggling 5 minutes later when I am on top of her tickling her spot. I like that she is so god damn talented and gifted yet doesn't see it yet.
I like how I will show her.
I like having hatred sometimes.
I like imagining what it would be like to punch that guy in the face who cut me off in traffic.
I like imagining what it would be like to kiss kate for an hour straight while I am having a bad day at work.
I like having bad days at work.
I like seeing my mom and dad on saturday mornings.
I like that I can be "difficult" to work with/live with/be with.
I like how I can make just about anyone laugh.
I like hating me sometimes.
I like liking me sometimes.

And I don't give one flying fuck what you think about me. Well, except for my mom. Because that's like a law or something.

jkrewdotcom: well look, it seems like someone is trying to break us up
kate: omg I'm gonna kill someone
what do you mean?
jkrewdotcom: and before it gets out or comes to you in an anonymous email, I thought I might as well just tell you
kate: are you really a woman?
maybe that explains why you're so beautiful
jkrewdotcom: baby, seriously
kate: tell me what?
jkrewdotcom: look, I'm not proud of this and I thought I could keep it from you
but when I was back in kyoto, I killed men. Lot's of them. I... was a yakuza hitman.
I'M SO SORRY
*weeps
kate: um. duh. why do you think I'm so attracted to you
jkrewdotcom: oh, really?
kate: the smell of blood that will never wash out of your skin
god it makes me so hot
you fucker. you got me so worried
jkrewdotcom: dude, let's totally do it!
kate: YES!
STICK IT IN ME!
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!
jkrewdotcom: Oh, and I'm gay and have a scathing heroin addiction
I used your panties one night as a tourniquet
kate: HAH you couldn't be gay if you tried
no offense
jkrewdotcom: HAHA
I'm more feminine that you baby hahaha
admit it
kate: wtf do you mean??
I got my toes done! and sometimes I wear make up! and um.
jkrewdotcom: oh yeah, ok
but well, you like engine grease!
and burp louder than I do!
omg, I think you're totally a butch dyke and I may be a lipstick lesbian
kate: also, no one. and I mean, no one will ever be able to break us up
OMG WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
wait. are you saying I look like a boy?
jkrewdotcom: that totally sounded like an 80's song
kate: OMG NOOOOOO *CRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES
jkrewdotcom: *grabs boobie

What happens when you want to marry a gal but absolutely pity her family? I remember back in the day when my feelings towards them were absolute love and astonishment. Astonishment that there was such a thing as a "perfect family" in the world. Where the family played games together, watched movies together, ate together. And then over the days and months, you would realize that it was all a front.

A front to show the world that they were perfect when in reality, they weren't (like most families if not all). No family is perfect. Now... that being said, certain discrepancies can be overlooked. Other's can't.

Then my feelings of love turned into hatred and anger. Anger that things were the way they were. Anger because I couldn't believe people in this day and age could be so socially maladjusted.

Now it's pity.

And because of this. I was censored. Censored on my own god damn journal for fear of pissing off a few people because I was speaking my mind. Well, let's see, I have been basically banned from my girlfriends house since last summer. I have stayed out of the families involvement for almost a year now. I have waited on my own and along side my girlfriend being given notes and warnings and threats second hand not even being able to say my side of the story.

I have even taken appropriate steps to hand over the olive branch in attempts to remedy the situation to no avail. And now I sit and watch as said family completely implodes from within.

This is where my question comes into play. From what I have been told, my involvement is not needed at this time. That I respect and as they all know, my presence has certainly been absent.

BUT, if you look at it from my perspective that when I marry kate, and I will, their issues will then become my issues. Their problems and inability to reason with one another will be my problems. Their interaction with my child, their grandchild, will now become an issue being that I will NEVER let them behave the way they do in front of my child. EVER.

So, being how this is the only way I can get in touch with you, please read carefully. When you sit at home telling yourself that I shouldn't be involved, please rethink that thought. This is not a threat. This is simple fact. I respect your resolve but I beg of you to respect mine.

Issues need to be resolved before I marry your daughter. Things need to be brought to the table soon. VERY SOON. Your days of overlooking DIRE ISSUES should be coming to an end or you will lose all contact with me, my future children and potentially your own daughter.

Wake up. Your rug is becoming full.