Dear Stoner Dave,
I know we drove 16 straight ours to Ohio and back to get R32 seats and I know I sold them with you months later but this is totally the last time I will buy seats. These are the holy grail of seats. These seats are like a threesome with the Olson twins. Very few men have seen it and it only comes along once in a lifetime.
Let's fly to the motherland this weekend and collect our prize.
Sincerely,
JKREW
Faints
jkrewdotcom: if you had a penis and cared about cars would you get these seats?
erin: looks like car seats
jkrewdotcom: yeah but they are RS4 seats
they are like um, what do you like?
erin: cadbury eggs
jkrewdotcom:They are like the cadbury creme egg that gives you a 30 minute orgasm of the car seat world
AND they cuddle afterwards
erin: haha
i'm not a big cuddler
jkrewdotcom: oh well they wipe their cock on the curtains and quietly leave afterwards then
I know we drove 16 straight ours to Ohio and back to get R32 seats and I know I sold them with you months later but this is totally the last time I will buy seats. These are the holy grail of seats. These seats are like a threesome with the Olson twins. Very few men have seen it and it only comes along once in a lifetime.
Let's fly to the motherland this weekend and collect our prize.
Sincerely,
JKREW
Faints
jkrewdotcom: if you had a penis and cared about cars would you get these seats?
erin: looks like car seats
jkrewdotcom: yeah but they are RS4 seats
they are like um, what do you like?
erin: cadbury eggs
jkrewdotcom:They are like the cadbury creme egg that gives you a 30 minute orgasm of the car seat world
AND they cuddle afterwards
erin: haha
i'm not a big cuddler
jkrewdotcom: oh well they wipe their cock on the curtains and quietly leave afterwards then
Well, it seems that I have a tumor or some sort of flesh eating virus on my upper-spine lately. I'm on day 2 of just about the most horrible pain you can imagine and I'm about to just OD on some painkillers, find a nice comfy couch and call it a day.
So, just in case I am dying (and me not having health coverage is going to suck a fat dong) here is my last will and testament.
I, JKREW, of semi sound mind, declare that this is my Last Will and Testament.
Article I
Preliminary Declarations
I revoke all prior wills and codicils.
Article 2
Specific Bequests and Devises
I give my car, Dara, to Kate Halstead but require she give her Honda to Dain Valverde because his Accord is a rotting pile of dog feces and hopefully now he can get laid in a proper car that doesn't smell of 2 year old ashtrays and cat semen.
I give my dog, Carson, to Mrs. Stark as she knows how to deal with large dogs and God knows if I gave Carson to my mom, he would immediately be given a bitch-dog haircut which would embarrass Carson to no end.
I give my tools and movie collection to Stoner Dave as I might as well pay him back for the countless tools I never returned to him as I was a shite neighbour in that sense.
All of my plants are to be divided among Stoner Dave and Kate but Ming must stay with kate at all times.
My Mac goes to Erin because she is almost as crazy as me and only crazy people are allowed to use Macs.
All of my alcohol goes to Kate #2 and Rob Zamboni because their livers can give my liver a run for it's money on any given day.
All of my paraphernalia and illegal substances goes to my stepdad Bill because he was/is the cool party kid in college.
My MP5 and Glocks go to Nick because if anyone is going to go on a shooting spree, it's gonna be him.
And finally, my credit rating goes to my mom just to show her I finally got out of debt even if it killed me.
Article 3
Executor and Administrative Powers
I nominate Reverend Baby Jesus Christ to serve as Executor of my Estate.
Article 4
Guardianship Provisions
If, at my death, I have any child or children under age 18 and such child or children does not have a living parent, and is cute, they are to be sent out on the street to learn to survive as I did slinging yay and living in run down buses not knowing where my next meal would come from.
On this 28th day of February, 2006, in the Commonwealth of Virginia I hereby sign this document and declare it to be my last Will.
So, just in case I am dying (and me not having health coverage is going to suck a fat dong) here is my last will and testament.
I, JKREW, of semi sound mind, declare that this is my Last Will and Testament.
Article I
Preliminary Declarations
I revoke all prior wills and codicils.
Article 2
Specific Bequests and Devises
I give my car, Dara, to Kate Halstead but require she give her Honda to Dain Valverde because his Accord is a rotting pile of dog feces and hopefully now he can get laid in a proper car that doesn't smell of 2 year old ashtrays and cat semen.
I give my dog, Carson, to Mrs. Stark as she knows how to deal with large dogs and God knows if I gave Carson to my mom, he would immediately be given a bitch-dog haircut which would embarrass Carson to no end.
I give my tools and movie collection to Stoner Dave as I might as well pay him back for the countless tools I never returned to him as I was a shite neighbour in that sense.
All of my plants are to be divided among Stoner Dave and Kate but Ming must stay with kate at all times.
My Mac goes to Erin because she is almost as crazy as me and only crazy people are allowed to use Macs.
All of my alcohol goes to Kate #2 and Rob Zamboni because their livers can give my liver a run for it's money on any given day.
All of my paraphernalia and illegal substances goes to my stepdad Bill because he was/is the cool party kid in college.
My MP5 and Glocks go to Nick because if anyone is going to go on a shooting spree, it's gonna be him.
And finally, my credit rating goes to my mom just to show her I finally got out of debt even if it killed me.
Article 3
Executor and Administrative Powers
I nominate Reverend Baby Jesus Christ to serve as Executor of my Estate.
Article 4
Guardianship Provisions
If, at my death, I have any child or children under age 18 and such child or children does not have a living parent, and is cute, they are to be sent out on the street to learn to survive as I did slinging yay and living in run down buses not knowing where my next meal would come from.
On this 28th day of February, 2006, in the Commonwealth of Virginia I hereby sign this document and declare it to be my last Will.
Holy fuck my friends have the funny
1 Comments Published by JKREW on Monday, February 27, 2006 at 5:37 PM.
Upon seeing the new pics of Juggernaut staring Vinnie Jones...
My friends reply:
Juggernaut should be
a) twice the size of vinnie
b) if i hear him go all hackney in X3 I will go mental
Cyclops: "WOLVERINE! LOOK OUT, ITS THE JUGGERNAUT!"
Juggernaut: "OOH 'ES GONNA 'AVE IT NAHH INNIT!"
Cyclops: "WOLVERINE! LOOK OUT, ITS THE JUGGERNAUT!"
Juggernaut: "You WANKER! I'LL 'AVE YOU UP THEM APPLES AND PEARS MY SON, OR I AIN'T THE SON OF A CHIM-CHIM-CHIMENY SWEEP"
Yeah, I suppose this would only be funny if you, the reader has seen Eurotrip or just about any other movie with Vinnie Jones in it.
*giggles
My friends reply:
Juggernaut should be
a) twice the size of vinnie
b) if i hear him go all hackney in X3 I will go mental
Cyclops: "WOLVERINE! LOOK OUT, ITS THE JUGGERNAUT!"
Juggernaut: "OOH 'ES GONNA 'AVE IT NAHH INNIT!"
Cyclops: "WOLVERINE! LOOK OUT, ITS THE JUGGERNAUT!"
Juggernaut: "You WANKER! I'LL 'AVE YOU UP THEM APPLES AND PEARS MY SON, OR I AIN'T THE SON OF A CHIM-CHIM-CHIMENY SWEEP"
Yeah, I suppose this would only be funny if you, the reader has seen Eurotrip or just about any other movie with Vinnie Jones in it.
*giggles
Stalking for Beginners
Click me
Click me
And although I am a little tired of puppies napping in rain boots and dancing bananas singing about peanut butter jelly time, I must give her credit for this one.
Sorry mom, keep sending me the emails =)
Click me for the warm and fuzzy™
Sorry mom, keep sending me the emails =)
Click me for the warm and fuzzy™
Wow.
but this photo gives me an instant nerd-erection. Why you ask? Because if Mr. parker dons his black suit, that means he will be fighting Venom soon which just so happens to be the coolest anti-hero EVAR!
Wheeeee....
Wheeeee....
Kate and I have far too much time on our hands...
14 Comments Published by JKREW on Sunday, February 26, 2006 at 9:35 PM.
I got banned from a VW board so I made this...
You have new Picture Mail!
0 Comments Published by JKREW on Saturday, February 25, 2006 at 11:04 AM.
figure 1
figure 2
figure 3
Enclosed you will find photos of the fan I purchased some 13 years ago. It was the summer of '93 and man was it hot. I remember living with my mother, I was a junior in high school, and one hot summery day, our AC system died.
My mother slid me a finsky and sent me up the street to the local Peoples. Now, I say Peoples because if anyone knows me, they know I like to keep it real. And Peoples, now CVS, was the place to buy all of your fan-operated cooling machines.
So, with money in hand, I bought two of the badboys you see above (see figure 1). The fans came unassembled so we vigorously put them together and plugged 'em in to get a little heat relief. She kept hers on her dresser facing her bed and I stuck mine in the middle of my bedroom floor aimed at my bed.
So, once again, all was well in the world of JKREW. I developed a habit of turning on the fan at night to not only get a refreshing breeze going, it was also a way to create a little noise in the room so I could rest peacefully. Now I know what you are all thinking... Keeping a fan on like that continuously for 10+ hours a day really puts the fan through it's paces right? You bet your asses it does and that little fucker didn't stop once. God bless 'em, he just kept on spinning away like a champ.
Summer of 1994 came along and I was off to college. The University of MD to be exact. I was housed in Easton Hall which, if anyone is familiar with U of MD, Easton was one of the biggest party dorms on campus. We were all crammed on the eighth floor with (god bless MD), boys AND girls. After a few weeks of settling in, I found myself entertaining a group of new friends in my room including a fine little philly named Sasha. Sasha was a junior at MD and was living on the same floor as I as an RA (floor monitor).
So while we were all watching a movie in my room, Sasha asks if I could massage her neck and of course, being a freshman I jumped on the chance as 95% of the male population knows, massaging ALWAYS leads to sex if you have the four magical ingredients fall together all at the same time.
Boy + girl + dorm room + black light + (Mazzy Star/Coldplay/Dave Mathews optional) = guaranteed booty.
And of course the neck massage eventually turned into a back massage all the while happening right in front of several of my male friends who were failing horribly at trying to seem like they were 100% engrossed in the movie playing in my room. I attempted my patented move of "hey, this would be easier without your shirt and if I sat on your butt" and wouldn't you know it, it worked like a charm. As we were on top of the bunk and the friends were below on the floor, Sasha threw off her sweater which then caused 7 pairs of freshman eyes to immediately look up and see me with a smile larger than Cameron Diaz on top of a half naked junior female. And then it happened, this one very moment that would quite possibly change my life forever... I saw her underwear. Now this wasn't normal underwear, this was different. They didn't seem to cover her ass all the way like normal underwear. No my friends, this underwear had this weird string attached to the back of the waistband. And they weren't white, they were black. To me, this pair of underwear was crafted by the devils temptress herself to only be worn by junior-level college females to snare unwitting freshman males. This underwear even had a special name.
The thong.
How can something so small be so big in terms of naughtiness? God bless the person who developed such a piece of clothing.
Now, why did I tell such a story you ask? Well, after the massage (and small makeout session), Sasha looked down at the floor seeing the Windmere fan and asked if she could pant it. Now, why did I throw in the part about the back massage and the making out? Well, to prove that my pimp hand is mother-fucking strong. Moving on... She would later paint swirls on the fan blades (see figure 3) that we thought looked hella-cool under the black light but in reality, it would only look cool if the fan turned at 6 rpm not 600.
The front guard of the fan would later be used to not only a guard our fingers when we were drunk and clumsy but also to detach and be wedged under the window to hold it up. That was until I had one too many bottles of adult beverages and threw up every hour on the hour for 8 straight hours from my eighth-story window, knocking the fan guard out to the murky depths of cement and vomit below. I never saw it again.
The Windmere fan later spent a few years at my fathers house as a workhorse for creating a breeze in the hallway only to be rescued by me when I graduated college and moved to my own place in Virginia. There, it took the role of creating noise while I slept just like old times.
Your quality product has been with me through eight girlfriends, four places of residence, 12 burnt meals in the kitchen, two summers without AC, four experiments with smoke machines and one chameleon named Sneaky Pete who met his demise in Savannah, Georgia where he lept from my caring hands to his death by way of decapitation. R.I.P. Pete.
Thank you Windmere. Your fan has been used for a minimum of 8 hours a day, almost DAILY, for the past 13+ years without fail. It gets a little noisy every 4 years or so but with a little disassembly and a nice blast from the air gun to blow the dust out of the magnets, it becomes tip top once again. The tension screw broke the 6th year in but when aimed upwards, it still works without problems.
Three cheers to a quality product good sirs! God bless you Windmere and God bless you whoever you are for making the thong. Thank you for giving hope to male freshman college students everywhere.
Sincerely,
Jason P. Kress
figure 2
figure 3
Enclosed you will find photos of the fan I purchased some 13 years ago. It was the summer of '93 and man was it hot. I remember living with my mother, I was a junior in high school, and one hot summery day, our AC system died.
My mother slid me a finsky and sent me up the street to the local Peoples. Now, I say Peoples because if anyone knows me, they know I like to keep it real. And Peoples, now CVS, was the place to buy all of your fan-operated cooling machines.
So, with money in hand, I bought two of the badboys you see above (see figure 1). The fans came unassembled so we vigorously put them together and plugged 'em in to get a little heat relief. She kept hers on her dresser facing her bed and I stuck mine in the middle of my bedroom floor aimed at my bed.
So, once again, all was well in the world of JKREW. I developed a habit of turning on the fan at night to not only get a refreshing breeze going, it was also a way to create a little noise in the room so I could rest peacefully. Now I know what you are all thinking... Keeping a fan on like that continuously for 10+ hours a day really puts the fan through it's paces right? You bet your asses it does and that little fucker didn't stop once. God bless 'em, he just kept on spinning away like a champ.
Summer of 1994 came along and I was off to college. The University of MD to be exact. I was housed in Easton Hall which, if anyone is familiar with U of MD, Easton was one of the biggest party dorms on campus. We were all crammed on the eighth floor with (god bless MD), boys AND girls. After a few weeks of settling in, I found myself entertaining a group of new friends in my room including a fine little philly named Sasha. Sasha was a junior at MD and was living on the same floor as I as an RA (floor monitor).
So while we were all watching a movie in my room, Sasha asks if I could massage her neck and of course, being a freshman I jumped on the chance as 95% of the male population knows, massaging ALWAYS leads to sex if you have the four magical ingredients fall together all at the same time.
Boy + girl + dorm room + black light + (Mazzy Star/Coldplay/Dave Mathews optional) = guaranteed booty.
And of course the neck massage eventually turned into a back massage all the while happening right in front of several of my male friends who were failing horribly at trying to seem like they were 100% engrossed in the movie playing in my room. I attempted my patented move of "hey, this would be easier without your shirt and if I sat on your butt" and wouldn't you know it, it worked like a charm. As we were on top of the bunk and the friends were below on the floor, Sasha threw off her sweater which then caused 7 pairs of freshman eyes to immediately look up and see me with a smile larger than Cameron Diaz on top of a half naked junior female. And then it happened, this one very moment that would quite possibly change my life forever... I saw her underwear. Now this wasn't normal underwear, this was different. They didn't seem to cover her ass all the way like normal underwear. No my friends, this underwear had this weird string attached to the back of the waistband. And they weren't white, they were black. To me, this pair of underwear was crafted by the devils temptress herself to only be worn by junior-level college females to snare unwitting freshman males. This underwear even had a special name.
The thong.
How can something so small be so big in terms of naughtiness? God bless the person who developed such a piece of clothing.
Now, why did I tell such a story you ask? Well, after the massage (and small makeout session), Sasha looked down at the floor seeing the Windmere fan and asked if she could pant it. Now, why did I throw in the part about the back massage and the making out? Well, to prove that my pimp hand is mother-fucking strong. Moving on... She would later paint swirls on the fan blades (see figure 3) that we thought looked hella-cool under the black light but in reality, it would only look cool if the fan turned at 6 rpm not 600.
The front guard of the fan would later be used to not only a guard our fingers when we were drunk and clumsy but also to detach and be wedged under the window to hold it up. That was until I had one too many bottles of adult beverages and threw up every hour on the hour for 8 straight hours from my eighth-story window, knocking the fan guard out to the murky depths of cement and vomit below. I never saw it again.
The Windmere fan later spent a few years at my fathers house as a workhorse for creating a breeze in the hallway only to be rescued by me when I graduated college and moved to my own place in Virginia. There, it took the role of creating noise while I slept just like old times.
Your quality product has been with me through eight girlfriends, four places of residence, 12 burnt meals in the kitchen, two summers without AC, four experiments with smoke machines and one chameleon named Sneaky Pete who met his demise in Savannah, Georgia where he lept from my caring hands to his death by way of decapitation. R.I.P. Pete.
Thank you Windmere. Your fan has been used for a minimum of 8 hours a day, almost DAILY, for the past 13+ years without fail. It gets a little noisy every 4 years or so but with a little disassembly and a nice blast from the air gun to blow the dust out of the magnets, it becomes tip top once again. The tension screw broke the 6th year in but when aimed upwards, it still works without problems.
Three cheers to a quality product good sirs! God bless you Windmere and God bless you whoever you are for making the thong. Thank you for giving hope to male freshman college students everywhere.
Sincerely,
Jason P. Kress
Click me
Thanks to k8 for the link as I haven't seen all of these in the same place yet but all I have to say is meh. I get the whole stiff german vs. rice american idea but they all seem like they are from a dutch ass fisting porn movie set. There is absolutely nothing funny about germans.
Nice try CP +B. I hope this isn't all you got lined up for VW ads and marketing as your work with Mini kicks the shit out of this. Hey, at least they used a trebuchet. And I love commercials that allow me to type out trebuchet and make me seem smarter than I really am. Seriosuly. Say it. Trebuchet. It just sounds smart!
Thanks to k8 for the link as I haven't seen all of these in the same place yet but all I have to say is meh. I get the whole stiff german vs. rice american idea but they all seem like they are from a dutch ass fisting porn movie set. There is absolutely nothing funny about germans.
Nice try CP +B. I hope this isn't all you got lined up for VW ads and marketing as your work with Mini kicks the shit out of this. Hey, at least they used a trebuchet. And I love commercials that allow me to type out trebuchet and make me seem smarter than I really am. Seriosuly. Say it. Trebuchet. It just sounds smart!
Dear mom, auntie alice, stoner dave, grandma from the grave...
2 Comments Published by JKREW on at 9:29 AM.
I already saw this. Please don't send it to me in an email 6 months from now.
p.s. I love you
Click me
p.s. I love you
Click me
New track from the Streets upcoming album
2 Comments Published by JKREW on Wednesday, February 22, 2006 at 3:02 PM.
The Streets - The Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living drops March 10th. Can't wait...
Click for The Streets When You Wasn't Famous mp3
Click for The Streets When You Wasn't Famous mp3
There is this kid at work named chris. I say kid because he pretty much looks like B Rabbit from 8 Mile but I have to keep reminding myself that he is the exact same age as I, just very baby faced. We have become pretty good friends at work lately, we go to lunch together everyday which is nice because it's pretty hard to make decent friends here at work. That and 75% of the place is filled with weirdos that JKREW doesn't want to be friends with anyways.
Chris is at the point of his career where I was when I just getting out of school. He is just sort of stuck in time as a basic designer and he is just about to start making some moves to get a little farther ahead in terms of portfolio pieces as well as pay. Chris is a pretty cool guy, kind of quiet, the butt of some harmless nudging from fellow workers here but all in all, I think he can be a pretty good designer if he gets a fire going under his ass.
He does one thing that kind of makes me happy (thus the reason of this post) and I thought I would share with all of you loyal readers out there. When he has spare change in his pocket, namely pennies, he will throw them on the ground when we walk to lunch. His reasoning is that he is giving people a chance to get some wishes. Now at first I thought this was fucking retarded but after weeks of watching him do this, it seems like a pretty damn good idea.
Do you remember back in the day when you were a kid and saw a penny on the street? It made your day right? And even now, I still sometimes pick up pennies when they aren't covered in DC street filth of course.
I dunno, just a cool little thing I noticed and wanted to pass it on.
Chris is at the point of his career where I was when I just getting out of school. He is just sort of stuck in time as a basic designer and he is just about to start making some moves to get a little farther ahead in terms of portfolio pieces as well as pay. Chris is a pretty cool guy, kind of quiet, the butt of some harmless nudging from fellow workers here but all in all, I think he can be a pretty good designer if he gets a fire going under his ass.
He does one thing that kind of makes me happy (thus the reason of this post) and I thought I would share with all of you loyal readers out there. When he has spare change in his pocket, namely pennies, he will throw them on the ground when we walk to lunch. His reasoning is that he is giving people a chance to get some wishes. Now at first I thought this was fucking retarded but after weeks of watching him do this, it seems like a pretty damn good idea.
Do you remember back in the day when you were a kid and saw a penny on the street? It made your day right? And even now, I still sometimes pick up pennies when they aren't covered in DC street filth of course.
I dunno, just a cool little thing I noticed and wanted to pass it on.
Click me
Warning: There is footage of a cat breastfeeding from an asian lady. Decided for yourself if your company has an anti cat-sucking-on-asian-titties policy.
Warning: There is footage of a cat breastfeeding from an asian lady. Decided for yourself if your company has an anti cat-sucking-on-asian-titties policy.
Good lord. If I were to have a dream house, this would be it.
hi,
three years ago i bought a property named 'partridge hill' in kent cliffs, new york(1 hour from nyc, in putnam county).
after extensive renovations i've decided to sell the houses and property, as my work and travel schedule make it difficult for me to spend much time up there.
it's an amazing and special place, as some of you know, so before i put it on the public real-estate market i'm going to offer it to friends and family.
here's the web-site for partridge hill. http://partridgehillproperty.com
if you or anyone you know might be interested, please contact
chris cruz at:
chriscruz@moby.com
or
info@partridgehillproperty.com
also, there's a friends and family bonus of $10,000 for you if you arrange for
someone to buy the property.
thanks,
moby
Click me
hi,
three years ago i bought a property named 'partridge hill' in kent cliffs, new york(1 hour from nyc, in putnam county).
after extensive renovations i've decided to sell the houses and property, as my work and travel schedule make it difficult for me to spend much time up there.
it's an amazing and special place, as some of you know, so before i put it on the public real-estate market i'm going to offer it to friends and family.
here's the web-site for partridge hill. http://partridgehillproperty.com
if you or anyone you know might be interested, please contact
chris cruz at:
chriscruz@moby.com
or
info@partridgehillproperty.com
also, there's a friends and family bonus of $10,000 for you if you arrange for
someone to buy the property.
thanks,
moby
Click me
Ok, this video is fucking kickass because,
1) there is a 6 year old little girl at the mean end of a 50mm full auto assault machine gun
2) the dude with the full auto 9mm's is the most insane thing I have seen in a looong time and makes me want to get a pair, don a leather body suit and start hunting werewolfs
3) the part where they let off an automatic super machine gun firing 100 rounds a second is just way too cool
wheeeeeee!!!
1) there is a 6 year old little girl at the mean end of a 50mm full auto assault machine gun
2) the dude with the full auto 9mm's is the most insane thing I have seen in a looong time and makes me want to get a pair, don a leather body suit and start hunting werewolfs
3) the part where they let off an automatic super machine gun firing 100 rounds a second is just way too cool
wheeeeeee!!!
Best spam email ever. I think that's the dude from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hammering the chick from GI Joe in the no-no hole.
Genius!
Genius!
Man I miss Stoner Dave.
An enemy of mine can be an enemy of yours! Call early, call often.
wiedower, reed rwiedowe@wso.williams.edu
1330 10th st nw
washington, dc 20001
us
or here if you want to send dead squirrels!
1800 Vermont Ave NW, Washington, DC 20001
202-332-5112
Have fun kids.
Seriously, who names their blog after a videogame level? Weak.
wiedower, reed rwiedowe@wso.williams.edu
1330 10th st nw
washington, dc 20001
us
or here if you want to send dead squirrels!
1800 Vermont Ave NW, Washington, DC 20001
202-332-5112
Have fun kids.
Seriously, who names their blog after a videogame level? Weak.
What do you think?
Gloss black roof and b-pillars. Audi S4 Aquamarine blue all around. Flat black rub strips on the sides and bumpers. Shaved front badge, god willing a MK5 rear hatch badge swap (first to do so) and if I really want to go balls out, doing a pop out rear window mod, euro bumpers and clean clean clean.
Audi color:
Before:
After:
Gloss black roof and b-pillars. Audi S4 Aquamarine blue all around. Flat black rub strips on the sides and bumpers. Shaved front badge, god willing a MK5 rear hatch badge swap (first to do so) and if I really want to go balls out, doing a pop out rear window mod, euro bumpers and clean clean clean.
Audi color:
Before:
After:
But I think I'm a little aroused.
This is where I want to be again
5 Comments Published by JKREW on Thursday, February 16, 2006 at 8:46 PM.
I just dug this up tonight to show someone. This is how I got my first job out of school. Inside the box, there was a doctors note with "I heard you were looking for new blood at your agency" inside the box.
I broke into Arnold Communications (now Worldwide) at around 8am on a monday morning. Took me about 15 minutes to find the creative directors office. I had to call just about every extension to hear the proper "You have reached Matt Smith, Creative Director at blah blah..." message. I found the office, dropped the sealed box on his desk and snuck back out.
25 minutes later, Matt called me back and told me to quit my current job.
God that call made me the cockiest motherfucker you would ever meet for the next 3 years.
I need that again. I think I need to be a little cocky now. I am good. I am worth my asking price. I am probably one of the most unique, creative and funny people you will ever fucking meet in your lifetime. Tell me I'm wrong.
Well, that was odd. Today is officially my last day at this desk at Ogilvy. As I was freelancing here, my stint was up next Tuesday but I decided to take the day off manana and have a nice 4 day weekend. I was then told that they wanted me till the 3rd of march. Ok cool but that still leaves me jobless on the 4th.
Now,
1) I really like this job
2) I really like my boss. She is pretty much the coolest boss I have ever had. She even curses at me. THAT is love.
3) I need to pay the rent and buy dog food for my child so I need a job and a steady paycheck. Overtime rocks the house but benefits keep me from dying of the plague.
4) I had an opportunity to go to BET for a phat raise but it was temporary plus I can't leave my current position here because I am under contract. Ghey.
So, that leaves me floating and as anyone who knows little ole me, I HATE to float. As a sensitive man of the millennia I need stability. And 400+ thread count, Egyptian cotton sheets.
Anyways, I was moving my desk items to my next location in the building because the girl I was temping for is coming back Tuesday. I packed up Dupont (my Ivy plant) and moved aaaalll of my stuff to my new locale.
Enter the creative director walking down the hall...
me: Dude, I don't want to move. (jokingly and very far from sounding whiny. I was just making conversation here)
CD: where are you going?
me: I have to move to the leper section because Soo is coming back Tuesday
CD: dude, don't move. That's stupid. Don't move.
me: dude, I kind of have to because she was here first.
CD: don't move.
me: uh ok.
CD: don't move. Trust me.
Now, I ask you. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON PEOPLE?
Ugh, this is like letting me stick it in juuuust a little bit and then having to get dressed and go home. I need a god damn Mojito like nobodies business.
Now,
1) I really like this job
2) I really like my boss. She is pretty much the coolest boss I have ever had. She even curses at me. THAT is love.
3) I need to pay the rent and buy dog food for my child so I need a job and a steady paycheck. Overtime rocks the house but benefits keep me from dying of the plague.
4) I had an opportunity to go to BET for a phat raise but it was temporary plus I can't leave my current position here because I am under contract. Ghey.
So, that leaves me floating and as anyone who knows little ole me, I HATE to float. As a sensitive man of the millennia I need stability. And 400+ thread count, Egyptian cotton sheets.
Anyways, I was moving my desk items to my next location in the building because the girl I was temping for is coming back Tuesday. I packed up Dupont (my Ivy plant) and moved aaaalll of my stuff to my new locale.
Enter the creative director walking down the hall...
me: Dude, I don't want to move. (jokingly and very far from sounding whiny. I was just making conversation here)
CD: where are you going?
me: I have to move to the leper section because Soo is coming back Tuesday
CD: dude, don't move. That's stupid. Don't move.
me: dude, I kind of have to because she was here first.
CD: don't move.
me: uh ok.
CD: don't move. Trust me.
Now, I ask you. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON PEOPLE?
Ugh, this is like letting me stick it in juuuust a little bit and then having to get dressed and go home. I need a god damn Mojito like nobodies business.
jkrewdotcom: so, my wig wearing friend, what do I have to do to get maybe 50 more megs and a lil more bandwidth?
x11235813: naked pictures of kate
jkrewdotcom: what kind of naked pics?
these ok?
http://ohkate.com/d70/kate/index.php?i=DSC_0014.jpg&"
x11235813: nope
jkrewdotcom: poop, ok I'll have to go take some
x11235813: you don't have to show them to me btw
just take some
full crotch spread
jkrewdotcom: hahahaha HAWT
x11235813: i said "naked pics of kate"
not "send me naked pics of kate"
stupid
jkrewdotcom: "baby, I have to take these, my bandwidth is about to be exceeded. I got like 14 emails today..."
x11235813: cant believe you pimp your girl out like that
jkrewdotcom: hey, it's a material world and I'm a material girl
x11235813: naked pictures of kate
jkrewdotcom: what kind of naked pics?
these ok?
http://ohkate.com/d70/kate/index.php?i=DSC_0014.jpg&"
x11235813: nope
jkrewdotcom: poop, ok I'll have to go take some
x11235813: you don't have to show them to me btw
just take some
full crotch spread
jkrewdotcom: hahahaha HAWT
x11235813: i said "naked pics of kate"
not "send me naked pics of kate"
stupid
jkrewdotcom: "baby, I have to take these, my bandwidth is about to be exceeded. I got like 14 emails today..."
x11235813: cant believe you pimp your girl out like that
jkrewdotcom: hey, it's a material world and I'm a material girl
I'm totally fucked now because as you all know, the 210 gigs of music I own are ALL ripped from legally bought CD's.
See you in hell, RIAA =)
Click me
See you in hell, RIAA =)
Click me
xodia: Krew needs to apply for that damned position
xodia: hes posted it in jest, but if he needs a job, that would be a nice change for him
xodia: his only problem would be hiding the 24 hour a day erection hed have...
12:11
» DaveAtWork: it would just become a new ad scheme!
xodia: hahahah
DaveAtWork: who needs viagra when you drive a VW?
xodia: three guys standing around a VW with bulges and the bottom of the ad just says "Beautiful car, man..."
12:11
» DaveAtWork: haha... nice
DaveAtWork: Boners Wanted
DaveAtWork: on a tshirt, on a hot blond
xodia: hahahah
12:11
» DaveAtWork: in the VW, they are all standing around
xodia: hes posted it in jest, but if he needs a job, that would be a nice change for him
xodia: his only problem would be hiding the 24 hour a day erection hed have...
12:11
» DaveAtWork: it would just become a new ad scheme!
xodia: hahahah
DaveAtWork: who needs viagra when you drive a VW?
xodia: three guys standing around a VW with bulges and the bottom of the ad just says "Beautiful car, man..."
12:11
» DaveAtWork: haha... nice
DaveAtWork: Boners Wanted
DaveAtWork: on a tshirt, on a hot blond
xodia: hahahah
12:11
» DaveAtWork: in the VW, they are all standing around
.jpg)
Position: Marketing Model Manager- Passat, New Beetle, Golf, GTI
2 Comments Published by JKREW on at 10:22 AM.
Indicate why your background and skills qualify you for this position.
Position: Marketing Model Manager- Passat, New Beetle, Golf, GTI
Indicate why your background and skills qualify you for this position.
I was the first person in america to do an R32 full interior swap into a GTI. I was the third to swap a 337 body kit onto a GTI. I've owned or driven VW's before I had a drivers license. I can tell you how to replace a rotary crossover valve in a 12v VR6 engine with my eyes closed. My friend's 1.8t GTI pushes 400 horse at the wheels and I've been there for almost every bit of tinkering he has done to it. 80% of my friends have some sort of german car manufacturers brand tattoo'd on their bodies. Between my friends, we own every single style of car VW has ever made including two pristine MK1 Jettas, three Things, two campers and countless flat window'd bugs.
Here is my ride:
http://www.jkrew.com/dara_6_14_05/1.jpg
http://www.jkrew.com/dara_6_14_05/2.jpg
It has a double sided carbon fiber boser hood, German OEM HID's, German bumpers molded to 4-motion lips, Recaro seating, handmade ferrari exhaust, full coilover suspension and shaved rear hatch. I have taken it apart and put back together again more times than I can remember and I can swap headlights on it in less than 8 minutes now.
I have been banned from vwvortex.com over 22 times and counting and my quotes are in the signature lines of over 100 members. I have two wreckless driving tickets, one competing in a speed contest ticket and one illegal street racing ticket on my record. All were purchased in a VW. My car has a name and she treats me as good as I treat her. I know when she is angry and I know how to make her happy. Her third gear refuses to synch when driven by my girlfriend.
I could go on but my fingers are starting to hurt.
Position: Marketing Model Manager- Passat, New Beetle, Golf, GTI
Indicate why your background and skills qualify you for this position.
I was the first person in america to do an R32 full interior swap into a GTI. I was the third to swap a 337 body kit onto a GTI. I've owned or driven VW's before I had a drivers license. I can tell you how to replace a rotary crossover valve in a 12v VR6 engine with my eyes closed. My friend's 1.8t GTI pushes 400 horse at the wheels and I've been there for almost every bit of tinkering he has done to it. 80% of my friends have some sort of german car manufacturers brand tattoo'd on their bodies. Between my friends, we own every single style of car VW has ever made including two pristine MK1 Jettas, three Things, two campers and countless flat window'd bugs.
Here is my ride:
http://www.jkrew.com/dara_6_14_05/1.jpg
http://www.jkrew.com/dara_6_14_05/2.jpg
It has a double sided carbon fiber boser hood, German OEM HID's, German bumpers molded to 4-motion lips, Recaro seating, handmade ferrari exhaust, full coilover suspension and shaved rear hatch. I have taken it apart and put back together again more times than I can remember and I can swap headlights on it in less than 8 minutes now.
I have been banned from vwvortex.com over 22 times and counting and my quotes are in the signature lines of over 100 members. I have two wreckless driving tickets, one competing in a speed contest ticket and one illegal street racing ticket on my record. All were purchased in a VW. My car has a name and she treats me as good as I treat her. I know when she is angry and I know how to make her happy. Her third gear refuses to synch when driven by my girlfriend.
I could go on but my fingers are starting to hurt.
Everyday I pay for a large skim latte at au bon pain but then I go order a bagel with cream cheese after paying and walk out with it. Been doing it for nearly 4 weeks and have yet to be pinched.
I do it to justify paying nearly 4 dollars for two shots of espresso and milk in a paper cup. I'm not even really smooth about it, I just pay first, get a bag and napkins right in front of the cashier and then go order my coffee and bagel. The lady who prepares my bagel is named Gladys. She has two grandchildren, a husband who "isn't worth a god damn" and a jack russel terrior named spike with bladder issues. I gave her a valentines day card yesterday and also named the plant I have in my bathroom after her.
There is just something about eating stolen food that is so gratifying. I would pay for it but it's more fun seeing if I will get caught.
I do it to justify paying nearly 4 dollars for two shots of espresso and milk in a paper cup. I'm not even really smooth about it, I just pay first, get a bag and napkins right in front of the cashier and then go order my coffee and bagel. The lady who prepares my bagel is named Gladys. She has two grandchildren, a husband who "isn't worth a god damn" and a jack russel terrior named spike with bladder issues. I gave her a valentines day card yesterday and also named the plant I have in my bathroom after her.
There is just something about eating stolen food that is so gratifying. I would pay for it but it's more fun seeing if I will get caught.
I was going to put aside a post today about how my ex is a horribly pitiful and bitter drunk but well, she is officially not worth my time anymore. For good. Finito.
Moving on, I will sum up my day yesterday in an easily readable bulleted list:
• I need a job
• Kate is the best girlfriend in the history of kates who have been my girlfriends
• The girls at the office told me that if I let her go I am going to get a size 6 Charles David up my rectum
• I met a woman on the train last night named Chloe who reminded me very much of my mom. Chloe was down due to the hallmark holiday so I gave her a rose and a ride home. She was brazilian, recently divorced and nursing her father back to health
• Nothing fills out a Pantone 319-coloured corset like a kate
• Being on a diet stinks. I also haven't had soda in two days and I miss it dearly. Surprisingly, I'm down to 176 already just by eating sensibly
• When in doubt, get both
• The lost art of the mixtape is not lost in my relationship
• My dog knew where his place was last night and his place was not in the bedroom
• I don't think I could have had a better valentines day yesterday
Moving on, I will sum up my day yesterday in an easily readable bulleted list:
• I need a job
• Kate is the best girlfriend in the history of kates who have been my girlfriends
• The girls at the office told me that if I let her go I am going to get a size 6 Charles David up my rectum
• I met a woman on the train last night named Chloe who reminded me very much of my mom. Chloe was down due to the hallmark holiday so I gave her a rose and a ride home. She was brazilian, recently divorced and nursing her father back to health
• Nothing fills out a Pantone 319-coloured corset like a kate
• Being on a diet stinks. I also haven't had soda in two days and I miss it dearly. Surprisingly, I'm down to 176 already just by eating sensibly
• When in doubt, get both
• The lost art of the mixtape is not lost in my relationship
• My dog knew where his place was last night and his place was not in the bedroom
• I don't think I could have had a better valentines day yesterday
Seriously. There isn't one god damn person in the ad/design industry that is loyal. No one. I don't care who you are, if you need something, you will undoubtedly lie, cheat and steal to get it sooner or later. I admit, I'm the same way, I'm just nice about it. It's so hard to trust people in this business when down the road, and it will ALWAYS happen, they will fuck you in the end. I can count the friends I have made along the way on one hand. If we're counting real friends, I can count on my cock. And trust me, I only have one of those.
Loyalty is officially obsolete. I remember working 70+ hour weeks for several years, giving up weekends, relationships, years of my life and my good nature for a job to only be let go just to make up the bottom line.
I've entrusted higher ranking bosses with personal information and goals for my future to only be fucked when it counts. I've helped people get hired while thinking I would be helped out once they were hooked to only get forgotten along the way.
Take what you want. Lie, cheat and steal if you have to and don't mind stepping all over people to get it because if you happen to see them again in the future, it just means you fucked up somewhere.
God I hate this business. I am officially just doing this for the money now. I do not care one fucking bit about anything I used to care so much for in the past.
I blame the dotcom bust, Janet Jackson's tit, Lexipro, Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Prozac. I blame ulcers and Jay Chiat. I blame Alex Bogusky and his submissive chicken. I blame blogs and myspace and the FCC.
Most of all, I blame myself.
Loyalty is officially obsolete. I remember working 70+ hour weeks for several years, giving up weekends, relationships, years of my life and my good nature for a job to only be let go just to make up the bottom line.
I've entrusted higher ranking bosses with personal information and goals for my future to only be fucked when it counts. I've helped people get hired while thinking I would be helped out once they were hooked to only get forgotten along the way.
Take what you want. Lie, cheat and steal if you have to and don't mind stepping all over people to get it because if you happen to see them again in the future, it just means you fucked up somewhere.
God I hate this business. I am officially just doing this for the money now. I do not care one fucking bit about anything I used to care so much for in the past.
I blame the dotcom bust, Janet Jackson's tit, Lexipro, Zoloft, Wellbutrin and Prozac. I blame ulcers and Jay Chiat. I blame Alex Bogusky and his submissive chicken. I blame blogs and myspace and the FCC.
Most of all, I blame myself.
YOU'RE THE MAN NOW DOG!!!
Well, these give my tags a run for the money
2 Comments Published by JKREW on Monday, February 13, 2006 at 2:26 PM.
I give him 5 minutes before his rear window gets shot out hahaha
