I miss my Stoner Dave™ =\

I held up a lane of traffic talking shop with the dude. He was cool as shit. Some 60 year old rich bastard with an ascott and this massive cigar, just driving around DC. The body work was horrid at the B frame but fuck if it wasn't a trip to hear him say "This is my fuck-you kind-of-money car." HAHAHAHA

Anyone who makes a 150,000$ Rolls into an El Camino is tops in my book =)

I like to make things...

Oh yes. You will be mine.

careysutra: dude you swear you got butterstick tickets?!?!?!?!?!?
cause if you did
and we go
ill be your accomplice and ill take butterstick
jkrewdotcom: HAHAHA
careysutra: and if anyone asks me about it....ill say "ohhhhhhhhhhhh no speeka inleesh"
and just run like hell
jkrewdotcom:hahahahaha
"JASON, TAKE THE BUTTERSTICK. I'LL CREATE A DIVERSION!!!" and you make this huge smoke cloud with your ninja powers
and I'll just just bumrush everyone, punch out buttersticks mom and tear ass out of there while butterstick is screaming like chewbacca the whole time.
careysutra: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHA
you think he screams like chewbacca?
dude thats not cute
jkrewdotcom: oh yeah, I'm certain of it.
careysutra: i was envisioning something wayyy cuter
chewbacca sounds like a big fat ugly sea elephant
jkrewdotcom: when he's angry, but when he is happy he sounds like a puppy.
careysutra: oh good
ohhh butterstick
jkrewdotcom:and he shivers even though he isn't cold just to be that much cuter
careysutra: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
dude hes gotta be kind of big now
we should think this out
you think people will question us if we wheel in a harris teeter shopping cart in the zoo?
jkrewdotcom: well, I say we rent two panda costumes and paint japanese letters on them and act like we are from japan and want to "check out our investment" and we can just switch him with a stuffed panda
careysutra: ohhhhhhhhh thats good
NO I HAVE A BETTER IDEA
jkrewdotcom: but then you can still do the ninja smoke bomb thing
careysutra: i paint you asian....we dress up in suits...pretended we are FOB's....ya know cover our mouths when we laugh...never smile etc....then we say we are here to see our investment
they will never know
we can wear official "Im from Japan badges and im official and real"
and then swap him with a fake one
jkrewdotcom:YES! I'll just say I am related to Yao Ming due to the height
careysutra: and on the way out i can still do ninja bomb
oh shit i forgot about that
fucking a krew
jkrewdotcom: WAIT!
careysutra: what!?!??!
jkrewdotcom: I'll get a trenchcoat and you get on my shoulders and get a flat top and just tell them you are YAO MING!
careysutra: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha
jkrewdotcom: THEN, we can get the panda, put him on top of MY SHOULDERS and stumble out of the zoo
careysutra:but i can honestly say im not feeling the flat top
jkrewdotcom: this is FOOLPROOF
careysutra:i know....pure genius.
jkrewdotcom:ok, I'll get on the raincoat purchase. Practice your smoke bomb technique
careysutra:we amaze me sometimes...the extent of our genius is just overwhelming.
*a tear slowly falls down my cheek
jkrewdotcom: hahahaha

It is simply unfair how japan has this surplus of pandii (plural of panda, duh) and I can't have one too.

How do those kids in Hawthorne Heights do the whole scream-o thing without hurting their throats? I would assume that they have been repeatedly warned by medical professionals but it is just their own choice to overlook said warnings. Someone should start a letter writing campaign just to warn them. If we don't look out out for the emo bands out there, who will?

So... The holidays went by without that many problems. What I thought would be an easy thing wasn't too bad due to my genius idea of ordering all of my presents from amazon leaving me to not going to any mall out of necessity.

The only thing I really wanted was to spend the night with my little furnace and I got that so mission accomplished. Everything I unwrapped was icing on the cake. I must admit, christmas as of late has been turning into one big letdown. I try not to tell anyone what I want and leave it up to them to actually put some thought into gifts but I suppose that doesn't always work out. I think I get these huge dreams of grandiour and I never get exactly what I was thinking. So next year I am planning on a no-gift policy. Maybe the gift will just be everyone getting together and spending money on food and drink.

Oh, so my mom calls me last night at 9:30. "Guess what Bill and I just did?" "Anal fisting?" I say.
"Um, no. We just got back from working at Tara Thai. We bussed tables for 90 minutes because they were busy."

...

"Wait, huh?"
"Yeah, they were busy so we offered help and bussed tables for an hour and a half to help them out."
"You wore aprons? Wait, Bill did this too?"

(mind you, I am well on my way to being three sheets to the wind while talking to my mother...)

"Yeah, we wore aprons. I even got a tip!"
"Mom, your stock just went up in my book. Hahahaha."

It's official, I love my mother to death. If you all wonder where I get it from, well, there ya go.

Kate brought me to the National Arboretum yesterday to see the bonsai collection and I must say, it was the most enjoyable thing I have done in a loooong time. The collection is simply fantastic albeit 90% of the trees are dormant right now. The tropical collection was incredible and I highly recommend the trip through the ghetto to check it out. Just keep your door locks and possibly duck while driving there.

We finally planted our seedlings last night so in a few weeks, our ancient redwoods should be sprouting to start their long life as massive trees. I can't wait to try a casacading style technique this weekend with a new tree. Kate got me a book that shows you how to do it so look forward to a how-to soon.

I really have to note how wonderful it is to get all excited while talking to kate about certain things. I really find it hard to believe that it is possible to get so excited about a mutual interest and be so nerdy on the phone about it. I have never shared that with anyone in my life. To be OCD about something with someone is so much better than just liking it on your own because if you can do it with someone else, you sort of don't feel as bad about being so obsessive. =)

So... The weekend in facts to sum everything up:

• Kate and I are going to japan by 2007 at the latest
• Double penetration anal fisting is far better than shitting on someones chest
• Moo
• I will have my own army of space ants in less than a week
• I am more japanese than kate
• Super giant cats bathed in pools made from über-super giant cats footprints
• The National Arboretum is located directly in the middle of Compton
• Anal seapage is incredibly potent
• Chicks dig the side effects of anti-depressants
• Although kate's thighs make excellent drum kits, NOTHING will replace my habit of finding any time to practice my drum moves on her asscheeks.
• I have to stop buying new plants
• Kate #2 is the best drunk dialer EVER
• Anytime is a good time to dry hump
• My roommate gave me the best present I have ever gotten in my life
• Skull valvecaps = +15HP
• Like most of life, with a little bit of Super Glue and a womans help, things can be brought back to normal and most of the time, it will look better than the original

So the dude had a Jetta and a GTI and hacked off the ass end of the GTI to get the hacked off Jetta's rear doors to fit. THEN he swapped in a MK3 VR head to his MK4 bottom end with a turbo. Yeah, thats like 60 grand worth of work right there for a one of a kind car.

*drools

Click me

What the everloving fuck is wrong with american musical tastes?
Who made this list because it certainly has NOTHING to do with popularity or record sales.

1. Kanye West, Late Registration - are you fucking kidding me?! You can't rhyme your way out of a paper bag you hack.

2. The Rolling Stones, A Bigger Bang - um, no.

3. White Stripes, Get Behind Me Satan - trite.

4. Fiona Apple, Extraordinary Machine - decent but definitely not Top 10 material.

10. 50 Cent, The Massacre - worst production ever.

15. Gorillaz, Demon Days - Please, stop playing Feel Good Inc for the love of christ.

20. System of a Down, Mezmerize/Hypnotize - one song played on the radio.

21. Common, Be - not bad.

22. Madonna, Confessions on a Dance Floor - one song played on the radio.

26. Queens of the Stone Age, Lullabies to Paralyze - not one song played on the radio.

29. Franz Ferdinand, You Could Have It So Much Better - horrible follow up album.

30. Foo Fighters, In Your Honor - Yes!

35. LCD Soundsystem, LCD Soundsystem - one catchy song on the whole album.

37. Missy Elliott, The Cookbook - same old shit from Timbaland.

39. Annie, Anniemal - Yes!

43. Mariah Carey, The Emancipation of Mimi - you were better when you were crazy.

44. Daddy Yankee, Barrio Fino - who the fuck are these people?

45. The Rough Guide to the Music of the Sahara - see above.

46. The Willowz, Talk In Circles - see above.

47. Wide Right, Sleeping on the Couch - see above.

49. Damian Marley, Welcome to Jamrock - see above.

And this commerical is about KY too. I'll give you 5 bucks if you can find the correlation between KY lubricants and sock puppets. WTF?

missxkate: i wish i was 18 and scene
http://www.myspace.com/xpalamesax
jkrewdotcom: ew, wtf
missxkate:hahaha
http://myspace-310.vo.llnwd.net/00203/01/35/203655310_l.jpg

this picture might seriously be the most disturbing picture i've ever seen
cause it's a dude
with a pretty girl face
underoos
and nasty leghair
jkrewdotcom: dude, are they sharing the same wig in every photo?
missxkate:HAHAHA

Well folks, it's been a rough few weeks. Work whupped on my ass like an angry stepfather, the weather shat down heaps of snow on the area leading to my grumpiness as a new "public transportation commuter". Both of my cars are currently illegal to be on the road, my mind is flipped 180º due to a recent drug prescription added to my bodies chemistry and my best friend moved far, far away.

So bear with me as I try to get back to normal. It's so hard to devote creative time to anything anymore. I am constantly exhausted; mentally and physically. New side effects are discovered daily so until things settle down in the house of JKREW, I can't promise anything will be normal for awhile.

Check out: http://www.americanedit.org/home/ae/
Google search for some mirrors and download at will. It's a fucking FANTASTIC mashup album. A+++ for quality.

The holidays are going well. My plan to buy every single present this year through amazon.com has been a success and it's been like mini-christmases each day at the house when I get home from work to see 3-4 packages a day on my doorstep. I only need to print out a few photos to wrap up the last gifts on my list. Excellent.

Did you know that the post office will give you unlimited shipping supplies for free? And they will ship them to your house for free? Not like a few boxes for free, I'm talking hundreds. So, sometime this week, some unlucky mailperson will be angryly delivering 500 2'x2'x12" boxes to my doorstep.
My goal: to build the worlds coolest fort made up entirely out of post office boxes so technically it will be the property of the US Government that I will then take over and steal it from them. Beat that George Washington.

Anti-depressants are weird. I miss "fuckwit Jason". I don't really like being "docile Jason". I get sleepy at 9pm now. I don't wake up sad anymore. The dizzyness doesn't come anymore. It takes me fucking FOREVER to ejaculate. I don't have thoughts of getting out of my car and killing the person behind me anymore. Better living through chemistry I guess.

I'm obsessed with plants now. I have over a dozen in my house. I ordered 50 different seeds from Japan and will soon start sowing them in my house. Did you know that you can buy redwood tree seeds? I also got a Japanese Cypress. The seeds are from a 4000 year old specimen. 4000 years dude. That's fucking old. Kate and I also purchased a Ming Alalia tree last weekend and named him Ming. It's such a beautiful tree and I'm not really ashamed to call a tree "beautiful".

Kanye West got nominated for some Grammys. God I am hoping he gets fucked AGAIN this year and has a temper tantrum. It's one of my christmas wishes.

Ok, I'm done.

This is the story of Braveheart Stoner Dave

It was cold as hell that evening. Dave had decided to turn in early and Jess and I were sitting comfortably on the smaller couch just talking away. Two weeks prior I had accidentally slipped off a stair in my hallway and ripped all of my ankle tendons which left me in a leg cast up to my knee.

We had been drinking wine and discussing the days events when all of a sudden, dave runs out of his room wearing only his smoking pants and wife beater. His hair was like a brushfire due to his pillow. His quickness startled both of us and made us jump up unexpectedly.

"Dude, someone is jacking your car!" he screamed as he reached for the Louisville slugger by the side of the front door and ran out of the house.

Jess and I looked at each other in disbelief and instinctively jumped up and headed to the door. Quite surprisingly, I was nimble given the cast and made it out the door before Jess could. I came to the stairs and leaned forward down the railing and swung down all 7 steps in one fluid motion. Down one flight I faced the window looking out to the parking lot. I saw dave running towards my car in it's port which was then surrounded by 3 cars and several men all staring into my windows. One dark character had a slimjim, the other two had crowbars.

I see dave blow through the front door with leopard speed. His hair blowing back in the wind as he jumped the front stairs and headed straight towards the closest victim. This happened so fast as I was still struggling down the stairs yet trying not to miss what was happening down below. I could hear jess jumping the stairs behind me. I made it down the remaining two flights just in time to see Dave strike his first blow. Holding the bat in the air as he ran, he didn't give the victim a seconds chance to prepare as he swung the bat down onto his shoulder, leveling him to the ground in a single swing.

I made it out the front door and not thinking ahead of time, I was without crutches. I couldn't put any of my weight on my foot and crawled to the last set of stairs. I heard jess scream to me 20 feet behind as she flew out of the door and threw me my crutches. I stood up and steadied myself to run to my car as I saw what would happen next.

The thieves friend saw his accomplice on the ground and screamed for him as he turned from what he was doing and ran towards dave. At this point, dave had yet to slow his pace forward and was heading towards the second closest man in his path. The guy with the crowbar swung it as hard as he could towards dave's upper body and without even stopping, dave deflects it's flight with the bat. The sound of the "cling" of metal on wood echoed throughout the dark neighbourhood as it bounced off the black MR2's front quarter panel still idling in front of my car.

Dave readied his swing sideways this time due to the carports low ceiling. He swung while running and connected to the ribcage of the man who threw the crowbar, cracking several ribs in one hit. The guy lurched to the side of the car as dave swung once more to connect to the back of the guys neck, knocking him out instantly. The remaining assailants were now reconsidering their plans for the night as Dave stood there, overlooking his last victim. His shoulders were perched forward, puffing out his chest. His arms were out to the side, one holding his bat, the other holding a closed fist. His chest was heaving in and out due to loss of breath and his mouth was half open. His eyes were covered by his long hair but I could see them as bright as day. Scared and exhilarated at the same time. He had a look that I had never seen before and I did not want to see ever again.

The assailants saw this look as well and put their arms forward to show respect and defeat. They started walking backwards, picking up their friends as they retreated. Ever so slow movements with heads lowered and eyes always on dave. Jess and I just stood there with mouths agape taking in the current situation. I remember seeing one guy run to his honda civic and throwing it in reverse, nearly crashing several times out of the neighbourhood.

The remaining men crammed into the Jetta and MR2 screaming and shouting at themselves to hurry. One man was crying and howling at his newly broken bones. They slammed the doors shut and peeled out of the driveway as I could hear their exhaust notes fade into the distance. I hobbled over to dave who was just standing there quietly. His body was completely different now. Less tense. Less on edge. Steam was leaping off his arms and back. His breath was less quick and his eyes were returning back from rage to normalcy.

Then as soon as it all happened, Dave gave a quick shake to his head, possibly jarring him from his haze, and spoke for the first time in the 2 minutes he had been outside.

"Fucking hell, I'm trying to sleep here. I'm going back to bed" he said with a chuckle and slowly and casually struts back to the condo building.

Jess and I just stare at each other. We look at my car and then back to each other with open mouths and wide eyes. It was cold and late. Did that just happen? we both thought to ourselves. It couldn't have. Did. Dave. No way. Come on, it's dave. Nice dave. We shake because of both the cold and what had just happened. There was a crowbar still stranded in the middle of the street. I decided to leave it there.

It's good to have a Dave indeed.

Pottery Barn is so not similiar to Arhaus.

And yes, I am fully aware that the above statement makes me gay too. Fuck off.

And I got my ass handed to me.

With my mom in the passenger seat.

*sigh

jkrewdotcom: hey patrick
Psesko: sup
jkrewdotcom: i love you
Psesko: eh
jkrewdotcom: yep, I love you man.
do you want to say anything
Psesko: i like you too
jkrewdotcom: WHOA WHOA like?
Psesko: WHAT!
jkrewdotcom: that was a test dude. The friendship test
Psesko: WHAT!
jkrewdotcom: you passed the test. BUT BARELY. You know what you got?

F plus.

Psesko: Click.

From the superficial

In an attempt to end speculation and please the galactic overlord Xenu, Tom Cruise and fiancée Katie Holmes are going to get hitched next summer - but want to wait until their baby is born.

Tom told Barbara Walters: "I do not have a film after Mission Impossible and that is a good time to get married."
I would love to see their crazy scientology wedding, full of white suits, sparklers, and throngs of shaved moose, but it's not going to happen. Katie's preganancy is going to end up like something out of Alien, with the baby bursting out of her stomach, crammed with Thetans from ass to eyebrows and hungry for blood. Tom, meanwhile, will be chanting the pledge of allegiance backwards and slapping his butt against the wall in some kind of ritualistic fertility dance. I can't wait.

BAHAHAHAHA

Russian squirrel pack kills dog

WTF? *sigh

What the flying fuck is wrong with this planet?

Click me

Day One of anti-depressants. I'll keep you informed.

Well, so much for clean living. Down the hatch folks.



(I would just like to add that the above sentences are almost perfectly center justified. I rule at design.)

This whole searching for a new coffee house needs to stop. God damn hippies.