Ok, I'm not a normal man per say when it comes to just about everything. Much to my mothers dismay, I have always done things a bit differently. Whether it be the fact that refuse to drive a stock automobile, eat normal food, have a normal girlfriend and, in this case, wear normal clothing.

I think it all started going downhill in 7th grade where I discovered that once out of primary school, kids started doing things their own way to discover their individual identities. I wasn't the richest kid on the block so I either had to modify the clothing my mom got me or get my own. And based on my funding situation back then, it certainly wasn't name brand.

So without further adieu, I present to you... a brief history of my clothing indiscretions as I clean out my closets this weekend.

In the mid 90's to early 2000's Abercrombie and Fitch released the cargo pant. A softer, more laid back alternative to the carpenter's pant with more pockets and a softer material. Now the idea is fine but for fucks sake, why did I purchase a pair that was brighter than the sun and red of all colours?



Next up is another variation of the cargo pant but now it's made of silk and has a GOD DAMN DRAGON ON IT. WTF WAS I THINKING.



Filling in the #2 worst idea in clothing I ever had was the raver pant. In the early 90's, I discovered raves. Now this was before 20/20 did exposays on the scene and it was before big name DJ's. This was the dawning era of the scene. Illegal warehouses etc etc. Well, before JNCO came out (don't tell me you don't know what they were), there were Request jeans. I'll let the width of the leg do the speaking for me. Now while looking at the photo, picture a 16 year old kid weighing in at 120 lbs. soaking wet.




And finally, the number one worst idea I had ever had while dressing myself is below. The junior year homecoming suit. I brought a very attractive Rachel Moore who would later become a Viccy's Secret model so I knew I had to dress the part. My mother told me not to buy it but I was 16, feeling my oats and truly believed I had all the answers. I bought the suit, told my mom to fuck off and took Rachel to the dance. I would later be kicked out of the house for going behind my mothers back and getting the suit.

Did I point out that the god damn thing doesn't have a collar? Ok fine, mom, every single time you said I was dressing like a total and complete retard, YOU WERE RIGHT. *ugh That was painful to admit.

Feel the pain of the Homecoming suit jacket...

Ugh, I knew it was going to be like this. Everything was going fine. I wake up, crawling out of my skin because I haven't "done nothing" in years and this self-appointed mandatory week off from work is driving me batty.

Anyways, the only redeeming moment of the day is going shopping with my mom and having lunch with her. It all went down hill from there. I go see my grandmother even though i don't want to. See her sleeping, if you can call it that, in her shithole bed. More like a gurney. Anyways, she looks to be dead. She's sleeping and won't wake up. I have to leave the room for I am close to vomiting. Her mouth is moving but she says nothing. She isn't my grandmother. She is some old woman who is seconds away from death. A skeleton with skin. She isn't who I remember her to be and god damnit I wish I never saw her. I want to have the last memory I have of her to be the good one when she met kate and was awake and lucid and a human being and warm and fun and my grandmother. Now I have this idea of her looking dead. Fucking wonderful.

I go home. I crawl out of my skin again. I have nothing to do so I just sit there and work on the house some more. I go work on dara some more. I go work on stephanie some more. This is pointless.

I'm not even going to see my girlfriend today/tonight. I had a shit dinner for one. All I want to do is get drunk and pass out and just wait until tomorrow to be just another day.

My father called and left me a message. He wants me to call him back. He can go to hell for all I care.

I don't want to be here anymore. I hope my grandmother sleeps well tonight.

would there be a freaking mud wasp's nest smack dab in the center of her intake pipe...

I know I'm a few hours too early, well at least 30 minutes. regardless...

happy birthday and happy anniversary. this month we have a double whammy (:

I did the work of 20 men today. I got to work, sat down and worked my little tuckus off for 6 hours straight. Fuck I can't wait to get out of Virginia. I have been waiting for this weekend for 360 days.

I plan to not remember one single event of this weekend if I can help it.

Liver, hang on tight, it's going to get messy.

For the month of october, I will post something new everyday and the post will be about crap you didn't know. So there. What a horribly penned sentence. Anyways, here is a teaser. I bet you didn't know stingrays had mystical powers. It's true. These photos were taken right before it shot the cameraman with laser beams coming from it's eyes.

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If there was a photo that would collectively sum up my life, this would be the photo I would choose...

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Sonofabitch. I think I need to call Mr. A. Bogusky stat.

Good lord. This is what a car looks like after not having been washed for almost 6 years.

God bless Stoner Dave and his muscles. =)

Well, it was time for a change so tonight I picked up a sweet little number with the missus.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Stephanie






70 galloping ponies under the hood.
A two liter bottle of pepsi is bigger than her engine.
No power steering because weak muscles are for pussies.
Two rear bald tires
Busted fender and headlight
No shocks whatsoever
And an engine that somehow likes to blow the oil cap off and spew oil EVERYWHERE IN THE ENGINE BAY.


And you know what, it's all mine baby!

Stolen from this girl. I don't know her name though.

I'm hungry and my eyes are waaaay too heavy to be open right now.

p.s. I might be buying this this weekend. Just one more thing to leak oil in my parking lot.

I am so fucking sick of being let down.

I am so fucking sick of having to rely on people.

I am so fucking sick of being let down by people who I rely on.


If I could have it my way, I would be able to do everything I needed to do by myself. Case in point, I need an axle for my car but I can't just go to the dealer because I am broke so I have to get it from a parts guy but can't get it from a parts guy because I need to have an account so a friend I know has an account but now they are sold out and even if I got one, I have to have another friend help me because I don't know how to change an axle yet and then I have to rely on ANOTHER friend to help as well because he has the right tools.

Oh and I need to get all of this together today so I can do it this weekend because I am gone next weekend but will probably not be gone because I just don't fucking care anymore and will probably just stay at home for my week long vacation and just do nothing.

Ugh, fuck I hate sounding like a whiny emo asshole. God damnit I am in a bad mood today.

to welcome Lindsay Lohan's boobs back into the spotlight where they belong. They seemed to have vanished for a few months but now they are back in all their glory.

Welcome back boobies!

Wheeee, she's famous!

I'm kind of sick of rubber bracelets now but more importantly, I'm sorry in advance, sick of Hurricane Katrina.

Now, before you punch me in the junk, hear me out. I'm totally down for donating/causing awareness but for fucks sake, it's places like this that just annoy the fuck out of me. Dude, it's not enough that EVERY SINGLE COLOUR in the spectrum has been used for a rubber bracelet already, now you have to not only use the worst colour combination ever, you have to use the worst font (Impact, *shudders) ever created by man next to Comic Sans.

Now, for those who say rubber bracelets are the ghey, well, I rocked a livestrong for almost two years now. If you know me then you know what the significance is. But for those of you who buy the bracelets at 7-11 or ebay that don't even give 10% of the proceeds to charity, you are flaming fucksticks in my book. Stop being trendy and just donate the cash to red cross people.

As for New Orleans, I feel sorry for the town but this is why I don't really give a fuck anymore in bulleted form:

• New Orleans had 48 hours notice to evacuate and those that stuck around by their own choice deserve what came their way
(now, I'm sure you will retort and tell me that some had no means to evac... well read the rest of the list)
• The remaining inhabitants are shooting at rescue copters and robbing supplies from the national guard
• The looters are stealing televisions for homes they don't even have anymore
• A woman is raped almost every 2 minutes by looters and miscreants
• It is on the news 24/7 nowadays on cable news. PEOPLE, there is other news out there
• I just don't care anymore

That is all and yes, I know I am going to hell on a speedy one-way train.

Let's see, in no particular order...

kate: insane but in a good way
carey: insane in an annoying drama-laden OC way
kate #2: insane in a too cocky for her own good way
mj: insanely crazy but in a hot but not going to bother way
lindsay: too smart for me but still insane
grandma: insane but not her fault
mom: insane but I love yer anyways and we can still go shopping for pants together
dara: insane and needs a new axle and better not seize on me (what, she's a girl, shut up)

Get the fuck out of my city. You had Florida. Go back home.

Fuck you,
JKREW

p.s. I could murder my leftover Thai food right now but someone had to leave it in the fridge this morning instead of bringing it to work. Stupid brain.

Can my dreams finally be coming true? Is there really a new invention that totally vaporizes dogs? Can I finally be rid of kate's dog from the lowest depth of hades?



Nah, it's just a dog microwave. Dangit.

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To the sleeping NAKED GIRL in the apartment across the street...

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The hottest slut on earth and she has a dong. WTF?

Now that Paris is packin', I guess I have to give up www.iloveparishilton.com

wouldn't it behoove you to fly higher than buildings?
Stupid bird. Thanks for leaving your grease all over my clean window.

Read the comments...

So what does it feel like to have a car run over your foot? Well IT MOTHERFUCKING HURTS DUDE.

And to make matters worse, fucking cindy just keeps the car on my foot for what felt like a million years while I was telling her to roll forward but no, one would think that after hearing someone say "Bitch! You're on my motherfucking foot!" they would quickly press the accelerator but noooooo, she had to slowly go forward, making sure she got each and every single one of my toes.

Sonofabitch.

In other news, I bought a CD today. Yes, bought. Why was it bought? Because I was too lazy to download it.

It's all downhill from here folks.

mysubprofile.com/treekid/Apocalyptica-Metallica/

So I finally took the leap into the 21st century last night and happily watched as Mark the Cable Guy installed an HD DVR box and 6mbit/FiOS wireless modem in my humble abode. While I slowly took chugs from a bottle of Yuengling (didn't even have to look up the spelling... sad haha), Mark was hard at work, trying to decipher how the cable box would mate with my HD Wega tv. He then commented on the Kate Moss prints on my wall and after I told him the story, he got up, walked over to the topless 4x6' photo on the wall and proceeded to tweak her nipple.

What the fuck? I mean ok, I'm drinking and cussing in your presence which, I guess gives off the air of casualness but for fucks sake man, don't tweak my art's titties right in front of me! I laugh it off. Mark told of how he was laid off from a 6 figure IT job and has been installing cable for the past 9 months. Wow. Sucks for you. He then told me how HD quality will allow me to see every "bead of sweat on a pornstars ass". Um, ok. Thanks.

So, overlooking the fact that my cable guy had the social graces of a Level 12 Dungeon Master, he then hooked up my int0rweb which is now a gazillion times faster thank christ. It's almost as fast as the speeds I was getting when working for the Discovery Channel. I see my MP3 collection growing exponentially in the future.

I was flipping through channels just to see how everything looked and happened upon the show OC right when it was ending. I have never watched this show but the thing that caught my ear while shuffling the channels was that Bloc Party was playing in the final teary-eyed scene of the show. What the fuck? I am going to sound just like every other music snob out there but I hate it when a very popular and mainstream show uses music that I care very much for. I am quite happy that my favourite band is making it big and is getting a lot of exposure but it still kind of sucks that it's not my little secret anymore. Oh well.

The night went fine, I ate very little, saw my friend who's car will soon be the fastest VW on the east coast once again and then came home. I have had the worst sleeping patterns lately and of course, I wasn't sleepy so what did I do at midnight? I watched a show about bugs on PBS HD for three straight hours in the dark. I am never going to leave the house again. I didn't even care what I was watching just as long as it was in HD. This is sad and I guarantee I will be a TV snob in 3 months or less. I even started to price out widescreen tv's which I have no business whatsoever buying =)

And lastly, tomorrow I will be picking up (crosses fingers) a 1971 Porsche 914. I met a guy on the net who races these cars and is getting rid of one so I am trading him a pile of my shit for it. No money exchanged at all which is the beautiful part. I love the barter and trade method. It is so much better than cash. My entire car was built by trading for pieces and then waiting for the perfect opportunity to trade up for better parts. So anyways, it's cool because it was my moms first car. If everything works out, I may even paint it the same colour green her's was. I don't want to think too far ahead with thoughts because shit always falls through but we shall see.

So I know this girl, let's call her Barry. She is pretty much an asian Paris Hilton. Chinky Hilton per say. She's a rich girl too. She has the Juicy bag, the dog that's so small it can fit in a two year old babies anus, the goofy-big sunglasses; you know, the whole nine.

And there is my girlfriend, let's call her Nate. Wait, I don't know why I am changing her name but whatever. So kate is a diva too. Not in the stuck up or rich way, more of just the "pitbull who protects it's favourite toy" way.

Anyways, I was adult friends with Barry back in the day and then we sort of just decided we were better friends than penetration partners so we decided to become brother and sister and call it a day. Everything was fun in JKREW land until he decided to start dating Kate. Kate and JKREW were fine and Barry was there as well having fun with JKREW via lunchdates, drunken phonecalls etc etc... you know, the friend thing. More like best friends.

Well, one day, Barry decided to ditch ALL of her friends and go to the dark side and date a Honda driver. Ok, that's cool. And then the phone calls stopped. And the lunch dates fizzled away. And then she was gone for months. Of all the friends she had the previous summer, not one was called. When the group hung together at meets or car shows, Barry was gone or with the other group. I wouldn't say she was fucking up, I would say she burnt a few bridges though and lost some respect along the way too.

Fast forward to the return of the queen a few weeks ago. Long story short, she is somewhat resurfacing into the circle she turned her back on and now is causing waves amongst Kate and others.

Soooo, I'm left with a predicament. These two divas are going to be under the same roof for a weekend and if faced to choose sides, of course it's clear to me whose side I will choose. Yes it sucks because "bros before hoes" etc etc but wouldn't you agree that if you are the walk-e from a friendly relationship, you give up all rights to call that play into action?

I don't know where I am going with this but all I have to say is this:

Dear Barry,

I spent good money to relax for my birthday weekend at the beach. We paid for the place before you did giving us the right to bitch. You suddenly decided to resurface so you have absolutely no place to start thinking you are righteous. You are starting from square one again. So play nice. I know you can because I still love you and you still love me but if you cause any shit, I will gut you like a fish and then rape your little bitch dog in the ass..

Huggles,
JKREW

You realise you aren't rocking rearly as much as Nine Shocks Terror...



I would say I want to rock as much as this guy but I am now far too old to do such rocking and that sort of depresses me and even if you said "age is just a number", I am 100% positive my body would not allow me to do such rocking even if my brain thought that it would even be remotely feasible.

They always have the cool shit...


Higher res pic of the above photo

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