Here's to wishing you and your tapeworms a happy birthday you old fuck!

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God I'm bored.

So I am declaring that I have a drinking problem. I probably don't but one would say a bottle of wine a night is cause for concern. I can't really remember when I went to bed without having at least one glass of wine. Sure it's good for you they say. I agree. A glass of wine is good. Red wine. But a bottle has to fuck up at least a few organs in your body.

Anyhoo, I am in shit shape, my eye-whites are yellow, I bruise easily, I have bags under my eyes and am pretty much tired all the time. Like 70 year old tired. I'm 28 years old. I shouldn't feel like a 70 year old.

Plus it's expensive. 8-10 bucks a day can buy a lot of car parts or dinners for the missus, or just about anything else that won't be literally pissed away.

So I stopped drinking monday night. I guess I just decided I didn't want to drink anymore. I know cutting back would work just as well but I'm really a black or white kind of person and it's the only way I can stop and see if it really improves my health which I undoubtedly think it will.

So yeah, 48 hours with no alcohol. It feels weird. It feels like I had 14 cups of coffee but am still kind of hazy. I have a headache. I took a sleeping pill last night because I was tossing and turning. Could that really be an addiction? Is my body really wanting alcohol? I never needed a drink at work or during the day but come 8pm every night, I really craved one. Maybe it's just habit. It's not too hard to not drink but the habit keeps telling me to pour one. Kind of odd.

Anyways, yeah, thats my news.

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craves attention, messy, open, rash, irritable, likes large parties, low self control, weird, fragile, does not like to be alone, emotionally sensitive, worrying, depressed, heart over mind, does not respect authority, dependent, not rule conscious, not good at saving money, more interested in relationships than intellectual pursuits, likes to fit in, very social, frequently second guesses self, phobic, suspicious, not careful, outgoing, vain, compassionate, aggressive, likes to make fun, hates to lose.

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

I guess that equates to me being a self-loving asshole. hahahaha awesome!

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Please help me overlook those that are just plain stupid.

Thanks in advance,
JKREW

p.s. Mad props to you for inventing coffee beans.

With strong public support within the past few days having exceeded all of our hopes and dreams, it is my very distinct pleasure to announce the survival of our beloved B.A. Baracus!

At approximately 11:30pm on Saturday evening, B.A. was hooked up to a ventilator apparatus and was still floating on his side unable to submerge. In a drunken state, JKREW unhooked the ventilator and proceeded to push B.A.'s belly against the glass causing him to expel some air bubbles. As this action didn't seem to help, JKREW went to bed planning on giving B.A. Baracus a viking funeral when he woke the next morning.

At approximately 10am sunday morning, JKREW woke to a very spry and energetic B.A. happily swimming around his tank with a smile on his face and a skip in his stroke. Somehow, with the power of 23 samurai warriors, B.A. survived the night and is now back to perfect shape.

Many have asked if B.A. will be launching a comeback tour now that he has been given a new lease on life but sources close to B.A. have not yet confirmed nor denied his wishes to come out of retirement.

B.A. and his family wish to thank everyone who put him in their prayers Saturday evening as well as those who sent gift baskets and flower arrangements for his grieving family.

I miss you.

Sincerely,
JKREW

p.s. You are still a fucktard.

This pleases me greatly... Click me

As of 10pm this evening B.A. Baracus is officially on his deathbed. We found him struggling to breath and stay boyant in his home around 8pm and although a feeding was hoped to lift his spirits, his food was left uneaten.

He is now floating on his side in the corner of his bowl clinging to life and doctors don't think he will make it to morning.

As many of you may know, B.A. Baracus was a highly acclaimed fighter leaving with him a retired 12-0 record from the now world-famous "Battle in the Toilet Bowl" fight series.

He was a master of Japanese-style fighting as well as being a classicly trained Thai fish boxer.

If he does not make it to morning, a viking funeral is scheduled for Saturday, May 21st at high noon in the guest bathroom of the JKREW Compound. Refreshments will be served after the ceremony and bagpipe medley.

Please pray for B.A. tonight and let him be in your thoughts. He was always a fighter and for once, our beloved B.A. can finally rest peacefully.

RIP B.A. Barracus 2000-2005

Classic IQ test
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Congratulations, Jason!
Your IQ score is 136

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Word Warrior. This means you have exceptional verbal skills. You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas. And that's just a small part of what we know about you from your test results.

A roll of tape and a cat make for a delightfully entertaining evening.

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So I go outside and right in front of the door is this god-awfully ugly ball of half-grown feathers just sitting there looking up at me. I sort of creep past him against the wall not to make him flip out and hurt himself and sit down on the loading dock, 5 feet away from him.

He starts squaking away and puffing up all fat to make him look bigger than the cue-ball sized bird he is and just stops. He sort of looks at me and I guess realises I'm not going to eat him and starts hoping around. Eventually, his mother flys down next to him, nearly taking off my head and starts screaming at him to get away. She sort of pushes him to the edge of the dock and takes off. He follows in what could be best described as a bird who just had a 6 pack of bird beer deciding to fly home instead of calling a bird cab.

So now I'm smiling like a tard on the dock, having just seen this little birds first flight and feel an overpowering sense of pride. I was there when he was just an egg and then when he was a whining little bitch of a baby and now he was taking his first flight which will make him a good flyer and eventually will be flying over my car and taking massive shits on my freshly waxed paint.

It's so cute. I hope he doesn't get eaten by a cat or something because that would really suck.

This is fucking brilliant and worth the read...


MY DATE LAST NIGHT --- OMG GUYS READ THIS - 32
Reply to: anon-71676183@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-05-04, 5:49PM EDT

When I did my taxes this year I found out that I spent over $14,000 on Dates last year. Most of that was spent on dinner and drinks in Manhattan. Now don't get me wrong, I had some very good times, some great sex, some good conversations. Hell, I even made a good friend along the way, but mainly I came away from the date feeling extremely disappointed and with a lighter wallet. Date by date it's not THAT much money but it all adds up fast!

In the past I had a habit of always grabbing the check and paying whether my date was hot or not. Whether we clicked or not. Basically I felt ashamed to let her pay. I also kept and interesting statistic and even I was suprised that only 5% of my dates even offered to pay - yes you see that right- 5%! One girl in the entire year offered to pay for the entire check. A very nice gesture. But of course I paid and doubt she was sincere. In light of all this evidence I knew I had to change some things. So, this year.....

I DECIDED TO NEVER PAY FOR A FIRST DATE AGAIN. How did I do this? First I adopted the mindset that a girl should naturally assume she's paying for herself. Now this wasn't easy at first but I quickly got used to it. Then when going into the bar/restuarant/lounge etc. I would hand the server a credit card and ask them to open tabs for us. HEY!-Did you catch that? I said 'TABS.' Yah, don't worry at least 95% of the girls I meet miss that one too. Just to make sure I usually confirm that the server has understood me too. I do this when the date rudely answers her cell phone or is in the bathroom (probably using her cell phone). Guys, you know the Mastercard "priceless" series of commercials? Well, let me tell you, you won't understand the meaning of 'priceless' until you see one of these girls handed their own check for 3 20$ martinis and overpriced food (that they would probably never buy on their own). It's also very relaxing to encourage the girl to eat and drink up because even at 20$ a pop for exotic gooey blender drinks I could care less how many of them she has - cause SHE'S PAYING.

Oddly enough when she realizes that there are individual bills there will a few prolonged moments of discomfort. But don't panic. Something that took me by surprise is how many girls suddenly have to 'go to an ATM'. I can't quite figure out if it's because their cc's are maxed out on shoe purchases or that they are trying to guilt me into paying. Well, probably a combination of both, but I'm remorseless after doing this for nearly 3 months now. Which brings me to my date last night...... omg.....

Of course the classy nice Irish pub I suggested wasn't good enough for her. Nah...she needed to to go somewhere more trendy. Ok, no problem. W? Hudson? Meatpacking Dist? SoHo? Where we going? So she picks a midtown hotel bar. Nice place. Little stuffy. Drinks, not bad and Macadamia nuts on the lounge tables (complimentary) nice! Of course I went thru my usual routine, handed the server a credit card asked her if we can start tabs she said, 'sure' and took the card. 1 drink in her cell phone rang. She appoligized, (she had to get it). So I moved into confirmation mode. Our waitress even missed the 'tabs' part but she adjusted on the fly and told me no problem. Boy, let me tell you - the girl i was with could really throw down the drinks. She was drinking scotch that was older than the hotel we were in. Of course I encouraged her the whole way. She was like, wow they have Johny Walker BLUE label! I was like, 'you ever try it?' She's like....'Nooooooo!!!' I'm like, 'go on....just get some'. She's like 'are you sure'. I'm like, 'look, if you want it, just get it!' So she ordered one, then another, and finally one more..... wow she was probably more than a little drunk. I stuck to my Stoli and Soda, splash of Cran.

When the BILL(S) came she sobered up fast. I caught a glimpse of hers, 5 drinks plus a little finger food $319.00 I think it was. She looked shocked and sick to her stomache when she saw 2 bills. Guess she thought I was buying. Think again. (The old me woulda soaked up the bill but steared her away from the Blue) I had 4 drinks, no food and a great buzz. Pricey Stoli, but overall still a good value (i ate a ton of free macadamias and almonds) $36.00. Damn I thought, that BLUE label will get you every time. Of course she did more than the traditional fumble through her purse. Her face was beat red and she was speechless. She left the bill on the table and excused herself for the restroom. I had already paid and was sucking on some ice. The waitress was looking concerned. I told her, 'look'. Sure enough my date was heading out toward the front door. I slowly grabbed my coat as the waitress ran after her. Then security or a bellman grabbed her at the door and a small shouting match ensued. Can you imagine, she was trying to leave - without paying!

Well, I didn't stick around to see what happened. All I saw was the poor waitress standing just inside the front door with a small coctail tray. She did look concerned but not paniced. A doorman and bell hop had the girl by the arm, outside and was semi-forcing her back inside, she wasn't getting away from this bill. I paid my bill. I had my receipt. But I couldn't help wondering why she ordered 3 Johnny Walker Blues, doesn't she know that shit is expensive? Then I wondered if they had to arrest her while I had another drink at my local Irish pub.

I haven't heard from her again. Too bad, she was pretty cute too :(

What does being a failure mean? Does it mean just sucking at one's life? Being a quitter? What if trying your best and still failing arises? Does that really make you a failure or was it just not in the cards for you at that moment.

I have had plenty of slacker friends. The ones who would rather smoke a bowl and sit on the couch than go out and be productive. Ones that are happy being in a dead end job and not going out to better things. Or going out and doing better things to only suck at what they do and going on to more things to suck at.

Stoner Dave quit smoking. Like, cold turkey, out of the blue quit. I love him for it because I have the self control of a cat in heat and am terrified to quit because part of me knows I will fail. Anyways, stoner dave was given a pack of cigars by his "friend". Now I use the finger quotes in this story because sure, he is his friend. He is just dumb sometimes. Maybe he can't help it. I certainly am a dickhead too but I digress. He is dumb enough for me to want to punch him in the jugular. So, I hear of said gift and start searching for it in Stoner Dave's house. I'm sort of his self-appointed watchdog cancer nazi. I don't care what anyone says, thats the job I gave myself and I'm one dedicated motherfucker. I find the cigars in his pocket (don't ask) and proceed to throw them off the balcony. Everyone gets pissed. Well, ok, Stoner Dave's friend gets pissed and of course I couldn't care less. Just to solidify my intent on guarding SD's lungs and keep him from starting up and making drunken excuses on how "you don't inhale that dude" kind of bullshit, I proceeded to find my pyrotechnics, walked out on the golfcourse and blew the cigars up with one flick of the Bic and a smartly placed pack of lady fingers.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Anyways, SD quit. His friend did not. Why did his friend buy SD the cigars? Because his friend can't quit/doesn't want to quit et al and want's SD back on the dark side. Misery loves company blah blah blah. I won't get into how fucked up it was because I'm done dwelling on it but yeah. Anyways. SD get's the thumbsup. And when he feels weak, I will be there to lay down the explosive justice on his candy ass.

Now, on the topic of being a failure. When you try your best to makes plays to better yourself and it doesn't work out, fuck it, at least you tried. If you can honestly tell yourself that you did all you could then you shouldn't be ashamed or sad. Well, you can be sad because that's healthy but don't dwell on it and let it be your stumbling block that you can't get over to improve and move on.

You know who you are and you know I love you. Shit always happens for a reason. You know how I think the world of you and you (and I won't let you stumble) need to see this as just something that didn't work out. I mean, when I wanted to be an astronaut, NASA politely told me that I wouldn't cut it in the space program, so what did I do? I trained my ass off. I ran 100 miles a day and swam 5000 meters every night. And after 2 years of determined training, I finally got my spot to go to the moon. I won't go into details because the news covered it so much already but I hope you see my point. Look to me as a role model who reached his dreams of one day masturbating in zero gravity. I had a dream, stayed on course and achieved it. You can too.

Oh and that movie White Noise is scary as fuck. That is all.

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Buzztracker is software that visualizes frequencies and relationships between locations in the Google world news directory.

Buzztracker tries to show you how interconnected the world is: big events in one area ripple to other areas across the globe. Connections between cities thousands of miles apart become apparent at a glance.

Buzztracker currently only tracks English-language news sources.

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Friends suck. I bet everyone who reads this can relate to a friend that they had at one time who is like the one I am about to write about. The friend who was like OMG BEST FRIENDS 4EVR LOL OMG! And you hang out with said friend all the time and you're all up their ass and dish all this shit to each other full well knowing that they are the coolest person on the planet.

Right?

And then it happens. The friend starts going to lunch with someone else or they get a boyfriend/girlfriend and start hanging out with them a little more often than they do with you. And then that friend starts blowing everyone off and fucking up left and right. Yeah. WTF.

Said friend reads my blog. I plan on her to be pissed but you know what? If you haven't figured out by now, I live by the "say what the fuck you want rule, however inappropriate it may be and how many bridges you may burn along the way because it feels good at the moment" way of life.

*clears throat

Dear Friend,

Wake the fuck up dude. You are fucking up all over town. I'm quite happy for you and Cokey McSnortalot and the little lovage nest you two have created for each other but for fucks sake, wake up. You are ditching every single one of your friends for "your busy life" and people are starting to, if not having done already, written you off.

You were too busy for school so you dropped out. For the second time. Smart.
You were too busy for homegrown so you ditched all of them. Smart.
You were too preoccupied to live up to EVERY single one of your promises to me and let me down EVERY single time. Smart.

And now you have a black eye. I'm not going to pass judgement because I said I wouldn't but if it did happen the way everyone thinks it did based on your bullshit story, you are fucking stupid to get into ANOTHER lovely smack-down relationship.

I defended you, I put my life on hold for you, I put my financial status in jeopardy for you. I relied on you. Not anymore.

This is me writing you off. Have fun fucking up your life.

Sincerely,
JKREW


And on another note. When polled, it's almost startling how many members of the male population do not trim their shit. Jesus Tapdancing Christ fellas, trim the hedges. Nobody want to take a trip through the jungle. You certainly wouldn't like it if the missus dropped her pantaloons to reveal a serious case of afro bush. Kim Cattrall said it even makes your dick look bigger and if Kim said it, it has to be right.

What the fuck? Shit is coming out of the god damn woodwork this week.

It's too much.

It's only Tuesday. Stop.

So that burger spot that my little minx Paris Hilton shot a few months back was banned for being "too pornographic for tv".

Um, ok. I've seen a shitload worse on TV and seriously, this spot is fucking rediculous. It's so bad it's good. Ok, it's horrible. But I still downloaded it.

Bently + soapy water + half naked Paris crawling around on it + 14 pound burger = excellence in film making

Click me for spot

And your car is a bigger piece of shit than mine. That is all =)

It will be cooler in 4 weeks.
I just sent my american side view to some dude in the fatherland and he is going to send me his stubby mirror (shorter for thinner alley ways over there). Jason lent me his mirror because his is going to the shop for a month. His car is running around 400hp to the wheels so by default, his mirror gives my car an extra 75 hp. And it's just plain hideous to look at for right now.
Obsessive? Yes.
Compulsive? Yes.
Unique? You betcha.

Congrats kids. =) You two look beautiful. Good luck with everything.

Spectators cheered as entire Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against African Lion

Tickets had been sold-out three weeks before the much anticipated fight, which took place in the city of Kâmpóng Chhnãng.

The fight was slated when an angry fan contested Yang Sihamoni, President of the CMFL, claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters.

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She is teh cool. =)

Stoner Dave sent me this today...



And then when I was driving to work today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "OSAMA LOVES YOUR SUV"

and THEN, driving yesterday, I saw a Florida plate that had "Choose Life" on it. Approved by the state. It was a plate that Florida DMV approved as a plate anyone could buy. Um wtf?

People are just ignorant. Why pigeonhole half of the human population into one option instead of two? Now, I'm not going to get into a bitching fight because it's been done to death, I can't get pregnant and kate has no bun in the oven so it doesn't really affect my life as of yet. BUT, my stance... if you are a girl and you fuck around like it's going out of style without protection keeping the option of an abortion as a safety net, you deserve to get pregnant and have the baby. If you are this kind of girl, you are an douchebag. Especially in today's age with all of the shit floating around, you should practice safe sex. And the shitty thing is, I know more girls that bang without protection than not. It's sad.

Abortions. Bible-toting christians believe that it is what god doesn't want us to do so therefore, anyone who does it is a sinner and must be punished. Thanks but fuck you. I like my god better than your god and he says it's cool to choose. Plus, you have no fucking right to tell my mom, my sister or my girlfriend what she can and can't do with her body. If you don't like it or you don't approve of it, go the fuck home back to your trailor and overlook it. You are not God. You are not a judge or a doctor. You have no right to tell me what I am allowed to do. I hope your bible-toting daughter gets (god forbid) raped or finds out she will die from labor and then we will see if you want to keep that baby.

And that brings me to the other point, if you aren't open to the facts of a situation or are not informed of said other option, don't take a stand and shut the fuck up. I love how I see bumper stickers and protestors complaining about Osama and how the "war on terror" is about oil. I love how America is simply oblivious to the fact that we went to war without approval by our government. I love how people are complaining so much about gas prices skyrocketing (.20¢ over a year is skyrocketing?) and blaming it on terrorists. Hi folks, wake up, we have been at war with Kuwait, Iraq and parts of Iran for over 20 years. It has nothing to do with oil. It is about key occupied tactical position points in the world which just so happen to have oil in them. It is about allies and enemies. You have to be friends with so and so even though you hate them because in the long run, they benefit your interests in terms of trade/firepower or location. We were doing daily bomb runs in Iraq and Kuwait on Sept. 11th. We have been killing innocent families for decades and when someone stands up and says "what the fuck, lets defend ourselves or at least get revenge on america" we demand WW III? Dude, sept. 11th was a fraction of what we have done to other countries. Get over it. It was a long time coming and it will happen again.

Bah, now I'm all worked up. I'm gonna go for a drive in my 18mpg V6.

JKREW: ugh is it really?
what time does it start?
8?
liluofthevalley: you will not make it if we call you from there to say if it's worth it... its torque of course it's gonna be lame ass kids doing bam shit.
JKREW: HAHA
liluofthevalley: so say you are doing one or the other so i can just go ahead and make fun of you. for being whippppped.
JKREW: you are so mean to me
liluofthevalley: hahahahahaha
JKREW: you're lucky you have big boobs
liluofthevalley: you' are
whipped
JKREW: you have big boobs
liluofthevalley: yes but that's a good thing. no?
JKREW: hahaha
mamory nizzle
funbags mcgee
titty mcboobsalot
liluofthevalley: they call me tits fitz
JKREW: fitzke mctitsalot
liluofthevalley: uh?
uh!
i meant
JKREW: ok, I'm gonna go shower
liluofthevalley: yeah you smell
JKREW: have a good day jugsy mcsuckatit

Right click, save as:
Streaming version Click me

get out the Kleenex

So I work in a building that is surrounded by the normal corporate "landscaping" type of deal with bushes and trees and what not and in my attempts to quit smoking, I'll go outside to just chill on the loading dock. I do this about 5-10 times a day for a few minutes just to get some air and enjoy the sun now that it is warm. About a month ago, I noticed a pair of sparrows (I think they are sparrows) that started hanging out by the dock as well on top of this really shitty wooden wall. One bird would chill on top of the 3 story building looking down on everything and the other one would kick it right on the corner and would look at me where ever I would walk around from about 3 feet away. I wasn't really scared of getting my eye pecked out or anything so I tried to get closer to him every time I came out.

So about two weeks ago, the one bird that would kick it on the ground level started flying back and forth with pieces of mulch in his beak. Ok, cool, he's gonna make a nest for some babies. This continued for days. Every time I came out, the little bird would fly back and forth busting his ass for this nest while the other bird just chilled on top of the building. I started to get pissed at the slacker bird because clearly, he/she wasn't pulling their weight in the bird relationship.

Well, a week ago, I guess one of the birds popped out some eggs and they hatched and now all I heard when I came out was the damn babies chirping away and this one dad/mom bird now flying back and forth with worms. Nonstop. All day long. And lo and behold the fucking stoner bird was still on the roof watching the whole ordeal. I felt bad for the worker bird now. He/she never got a break for the past 4 weeks and I'm pretty damn sure when I left for the night, this bird still had to work his/her little feathered ass off to feed those whining little bastard birds.

Well today, I went outside to finally give this stoner bird a piece of mind. I had mentally prepared for a week to tell this bird off and possibly suffer the consequences of losing an eye or getting shit on or whatever and then it happened. I'm sitting there and all of a sudden, this stoner bird starts raising all this shit and fluffing up his chest. I look to the middle of the parking lot and there are two crows cawing away drinking their red stripes and generally just having a good time after a hard days work at the construction yard. They were just minding their own business when all of a sudden the stoner bird takes off like a bat out of hell towards the crows who, I'm assuming because they were almost 20 times the size of said stoner bird, continued to sit there sipping from their tasty adult beverages. The bird was getting closer and closer and closer and then BAM. The fucker flies straight into one of the crows and knocks the poor little bastard over. The other crow sees this shit happen two inches next to him and just stood their cawing out "What the fuck dude?" while stoner bird flies up and dive bombs the other crow on the head. Clearly these crows didn't see this coming from a mile away and started to take off to get away from the cracked out stoner bird.

The crows try to get away but the stoner bird continues to beat the ever-loving crap out of them in mid-flight until they were gone. I sat there in disbelief to see what would happen next for a few minutes and then I see the sparrow casually fly back to take his place on the roof. He looked down at me with this fuck-all look like his shit didn't stink and smiled.

I guess in relationships when you see a partner not doing anything, they may be doing something that may not be as evident as the one doing the hard work.

I have no idea where I was going with this and I'm also listening to David Cross while I write this so I apologise whole-heartedly.

I mean seriously, how hard is it to do a holeshot?


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How To Hook Up With A Fat Chick
by Adam Jacobi

Do your friends respect you too much? Is it your turn to “take one for the team?” Do you know what “slumpbuster” means? Then, my friend, you’re going to have to fuck a fat chick. Be careful, though; the road is filled with danger and pizza. You’re going to need a game plan, so trust a seasoned pro. I mean, uh, I had a friend write this. Because I would NEVER… uh… here you go.

STEP 1: Mental Preparation- The first, most important step is realizing what you’re about to do: Engage in dirty, dirty sex with an unattractive chick of at best mild acquaintance (NO friends; they know where to find you). It’s not going to be pretty, and chances are pretty good that you will not, ahem, finish. So why would you ever put yourself through such torture?

STEP 2: Be Pretty- I know, I know, why do they deserve to get a guy who put in the 10 minutes to put on slacks and a collared shirt? They don’t. That’s the whole point. You’re a bonus! You’ve got to sweep her off her feet, or at least get a severe hernia trying. Just do your hair or something. Whatever. Don’t worry too much about the clothes, but slobbing it only brings the night to an early (more merciful, yes) end.

STEP 3: On the Hunt- You’re at the bar; now go get her. Don’t get the one who’s so fat her face looks pinched and she’s all Chinese in the eyes; they’re too angry to be slutty. Get the one who’s in the clothes that are about 4 sizes too tight and who has an okay face, so after 6 beers you’ll start telling yourself things like, “If she just lost like 80 pounds, she’d be hot.” Let your wingmen have the ladies—you’re having pork for dinner tonight.

STEP 4: Say the Right Things- Remember: Hollywood chicks are too skinny; real chicks have curves; and whatever she’s planning to do in life is really cool. But be smooth about it. Even fat chicks can smell wuss from a mile away, and the only thing worse than nailing a fattie is getting turned down by one. You should be drunk by now. Drink faster.

STEP 5: Closing Time- Go somewhere to eat after the bar. Trust me, do it. Drunk fat chicks love food more than white people love CSI. Then, decide where you’re going next. If it’s her apartment, you’re set. Your apartment ought to be fine, but it makes Step 7 harder. Her dorm room? No sex, unless her roommates aren’t coming back. Avoid your dorm room at all costs, or prepare to be shamed. Mercilessly

STEP 6: Seal the Deal- Good luck, shooter. You may get the screwing of a lifetime. Right. And the Insane Clown Posse may go triple platinum. Let’s be realistic. It’s like wrestling a hairless Saint Bernard, right down to the slobber flying everywhere. If you don’t want a crushed hip, don’t let her be on top. And for fuck’s sakes, WRAP UP. The last thing you’ll ever want to do is get the herp from scraping the bottom of the barrel. That’s just tragic.

STEP 7: Run, She Won’t Catch You- If you’re at her place, leave ASAP. You, uh, had to be somewhere. However, if you’re at your place, you’re going to have to cuddle until she leaves; there’s nothing worse than an angry lowland gorilla with free reign in your dorm/living room. She may eat your X-Box. As soon as she leaves on her own accord, begin avoiding her. If she doesn’t have your number, no problems. If she does, you deserve it. You deserve the desperation hurtling your way like a big, sweaty meteorite with bad highlights. If you share a class with her, drop it. Holding hands in public with your conquest is like showing up to a job interview with shit all over your face.

And there you have it. You’ve just scarred yourself for life, and you’ve given girls another reason to “hate boys.” But past that, you’ve technically gotten laid, you’ve expanded your worldview, and you’ll most assuredly never, ever take a hot chick for granted again.

I HAVE A GODDAMN HAIR IN MY GODDAMN THROAT AND IT'S FUCKING DRIVING ME INSANE. I NEED A GODDAMN PRETZEL OR SOMETHING.

GODDAMNIT.

Problem averted. I found some crackers. Carry on with your business.

Innovative Turbo Systems twin turbo Viper.

Mmm, yes please.

What do you mean, you won't go home with me? Let me tell you something right now - I work in advertising, goddammit! I have the coolest job in the world because I am the coolest person in the world. Do you understand what that means, you hot little piece of Asian action?

First of all, I'm hilarious and witty. Everyone in advertising is, although usually not as much as me. I am the sole reason the party DOESN'T suck. When I show up, all eyes are on me, like Tupac - he's my nigga. I have so many hilarious stories and anecdotes its insane. They're mostly about chicks I've nailed, sales I've made, free shit I've gotten, money I've made or shows on HBO. Most of them are lies, but who gives a shit - people want to be charmed and entertained. And fucked.

People at my office call me a ROCKSTAR because I do such badass work. I could sell a retirement plan to a cancer patient, motherfucker! I am a sales master - a wizard, a genius, a goddamned selling machine! I am the Mick Jagger of getting people to buy shit. And since I'm a Rockstar, I dress the part. I don't really give a shit if I AM pushing forty, shit from the Diesel Store looks amazing on me! Also, I drink Rockstar energy drink - Red Bull is for pussies!

Also, as a Rockstar, I get fucking blackout wasted every night! There's pretty much always an open bar tab somewhere and I never miss one of them. You know why? Because I love chicks and booze. Chicks, man! I LOVE CHICKS! I've banged every chick I've ever met! Chicks love me because I'm hot and I smell like Axe Body Spray and I shave my balls. They love that shit. Chicks, dude - CHICKS!

I have like 63 iPods and I wear one everywhere, every day, ALL THE TIME! I do this because I fucking rock, just like those silhouettes you see in the ads. I am hip and modern and urban and edgy - THAT is my demographic! Even when I'm not listening to my iPod, I keep the headphones in my ears because it looks awesome and I want people to know that I am AWESOME! The only band I ever listen to is Coldplay, because they're AWESOME!

I have an expense account! I can charge all the shit I want on it and get paid back by my company. And I'm a MASTER of thinking up ways to get reimbursed for stuff that's not even for work. This one time, I charged a handjob (with reacharound) from an Asian massage parlor and wrote it off as "work-related stress relief". Wow, maybe the chick who gave it to me was one of your cousins or something!

I get free stuff ALL THE TIME! Those bottomfeeding media reps want to pimp their shit to me so badly they give me whatever I want, on command! I haven't paid for a meal in 3 years and I have a stack of TiVo's in my closet six feet high! I could snap my fingers and have an endangered species wiped out. They're called perks - and I'm drowning in them, bitches!

Even though Advertising is Awesome, I'm only doing this until I make it in Hollywood. I'm going to be an actor or a director or a writer or a producer, I haven't decided yet. Either way, I'm going to be rich and famous as fuck, which is why I'm not really worried about my mounting debt. Yes, the lease to my black Porche is pricey, but I deserve it because I work in advertising, goddammit!

Do have any idea how much money I'm responsible for? My accounts total up to, like, a bajillion dollars! Do you know what kind of Q1 sales I did? I'll show you the fucking numbers. I spend all day figuring out ingenious ways to scare or trick people into buying shit they don't need - and I'm brilliant at it! You know those pop-up ads you can never get rid of? Those were MY IDEA.

I'm a Goddamned Ad Dude and I hate humanity almost as much as I hate myself!

Now let me fuck you.

Uh oh, someone's gonna get a whoopin...

Baby Jesus is systematically ruining my relationship. I try to appease him. I mean, he died for my sins and all which is pretty cool. Thanks for the favor mang, that's dope. Now I have to be nice? Bummer.

So kate's mom is asian. And she likes Jesus. She definately doesn't like the thought of my penis inside her daughter's Judy and even if that wasn't happening, she thinks my penis wants to do that so therefore, I'm not allowed to have her spend the night, touch her arm, look at her in a seductive fashion or breathe any of her exhaled air in a 6 foot radius. This stinks for JKREW because he is old and has had the pleasure of having his friends spend the night in the past. Bummer. What makes it worse is that k8's father took JKREW aside one night and said "If you bang my daughter, I will bury you in the backyard of my house" in so many words. Did I say bummer yet?

It's not even the fact of doing anything intimate that gets me. It's just quite nice to wake up next to someone that you enjoy being with. Not being able to do that kind of sucks rancid hairy goat testicles. Well, at least I can do that once we get married. Wait, we have to get married?! Double you tee eff mang.

Kate is also young. I am old. She is new to long term relationships. I am not. My mother says I can teach her how they work. I think that sounds like taking a puppy to petsmart dog training classes. I don't train. I like to learn together so that's what we are doing.

My lesson of the day:
1) I'm not going anywhere so don't worry.
2) I like you and no one else so don't worry.
3) I can't cook but enjoy when you teach me how to.
4) I'm messy and lazy but try not to be for you.

Kate is a strange girl to me. She is of the 1% of the female population who share certain qualities I have never been faced with in all my life:
• I have no doubt in my mind that she would ever cheat on me
• She is supportive of me 100%
• She doesn't know who Chuck D is but that's ok
• She inspires me
• She can cook like a motherfucker
• She's sexy as fuck but doesn't know it or at least doesn't walk around like her shit doesn't stink
• I hate the word when it comes to a woman but she is the most loyal person I have ever met
• She has the best ass this side of the Mason Dixon

So I had an epiphany last night. K8 is her mother. To a T. She needs to find her freedom because I don't want to date her mother. I don't want a girlfriend who tries to appease me or do whatever I want. I don't want a girlfriend who will say yes all of the time. I don't want a wife who will have dinner on the table when I get home or will be "nice" so she can have an allowance to buy shit.

I want a girlfriend who pushes back. One who wants me to cook her dinner after a hard day. One who will give it just as much as I do. I don't want a subservient geisha. I want her to be her own person and won't rely on her mate to complete her.

*insert happy meal idea here*

So back to Jesus. He's cool. I understand that I should be good and respect his wishes. I can wait. I know I make K8 be patient for me because I am crazy and have issues that need patience but I also know I am patient too. It's a give-take thing. I don't know if it will last because I once thought things would last forever and didn't. Making stary-eyed wishes are foolish. Trying your best to make a relationship work is not.

Here it is. I'm copying this directly from our handbook.

1) All friends of a guy are not permitted to hit on or try to bang his ex-girlfriend no matter how long they dated. Be it a one night stand or a 6-year relationship.
2) When hugging, only one arm is permitted to wrap around the other mans back. The other arm has to seperate the two men
3) If you are invited to a cookout at a male friends house, you are not permitted to try and help at the grill and must bring AT LEAST a six pack of beer.
4) If a guy see's a dent or scratch on his male friends car, he is not obligated to point it out.
5) You are not allowed to borrow a friends tool(s) for longer than 6 months.
6) What is said in the garage, stays in the garage.
7) A man NEVER rats on another man. No matter what.
8) If a male friend does something remotely gay or feminine, all of his friends must make fun of him to the fullest extent possible.
9) It is never too cold to grill something outside.
10) You are not a real man if your car isn't the newest one on the block with the biggest engine.