So my mom and steppops are throwing kate and I a little thing I like to call a "wedding". Weddings are stupid for the following reasons:

1) free crap.
If you get married, you get to go to stores that you never go to because you are too broke (or decide to spend all of your money on car parts instead of couches and dining room tables) and pick these things out that you want other people to buy for you. The weird thing is, I don't really need anything. I already have a house full of stuff that I like to use everyday so in essence, everything that I am picking for people to buy me is just the same crap I already have but better. Like, new and improved crap.

Now I'm not trying to seem ungrateful for such free crap. I just feel bad for telling people what to get me, if anything at all. Dude, just come to my wedding, catch me when I pass out at the alter, let's get drunk afterwards and just have a good time. You don't have to get me anything.

And I sure as poop wouldn't be able to get away with having a Craftsman bridal registry. I mean god forbid I make myself happy and get that sweet-ass 21.1 amp multi-speed power drill I've had my eye on for some time. But no, we need placemats with little seashells on them more than power drills.

2) naive fathers.
So like I said, my mom and stepdad are throwing us a wedding. It says so on the invitation. It doesn't say "Mom Kress and So-and-so Halstead..." it says "Mom Kress and Dr. Stepdad XXX" (name withheld for politeness, his last name isn't XXX even though that would be AWESOME if it was.)

So anyhoo, my dad calls me up and asks who Dr. Stepdad XXX is. I'm in the middle of working on my car, am completely caught off-guard, and blurt out "Oh, he's the stepdad."

"Oh, so Kate's mom isn't in the picture?" ... wait. say what now?

So now I'm more confused than ever and just sort of sit there dumbfounded. "So hey, the new turbo is way fast! Kate and I are super excited to drive it..." (well done Jason. Way to confuse the old man with engine talk...)

I KNEW he didn't know mom had gotten re-hitched. "Oh, he HAS to know by now right?" says mom months ago. "Dude, mom, he doesn't know. He's going to find out and kill us all in a violent gun-toting rage. I don't want to die a virgin."

And that's where I'm at now. I am now in charge of telling my dad that my mom got remarried. Not because it's the right thing to do but I'm sort of forced to because of Man Rule #627: If your fellow man friend's ex girlfriend is going out with a new dude, you have to tell him.

What the fuck? Why do I have to do this? I mean sure, it will obviously cut down on a freaking MASSIVE uncomfortable revelation at my own wedding. But why. Why do I have to do it. WHY am I forced to give that talk? Gay. You know it's going to go down like a fart in a car. Just wonderful.

3) licking envelopes.
Have you ever licked 40 envelopes at once? Yeah, it sucks big sweaty horse dong. I still taste what seems to be what the floor in a Japanese sweat shop would taste like.

4) platinum is more expensive than black market asian babies right now.
So last year platinum was $400/ounce, now it's $1200. If I had known that I would have bought kates engagement ring with an aluminum foil band last year. Now we have to sell some of our organs to pay for the wedding bands.

Somehow, someway, al qaeda is responsible for this.