I don't know why I have regressed so much lately. I was sitting on the couch yesterday just staring into space and it dawned on me that I simply don't care about anything. I don't care about my wedding, I don't care about my cars, I don't care about money or my lack of friends. All I can think about is nothing.
It's really hard to explain and I'm not writing this for any help or opinions or to get conversation going here. I don't know how to better describe it but I literally don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Before I used to be depressed and then super happy. Then it went to just depressed. And now that I'm on medication, it's just gone to nothing. A big zero. No feelings; good or bad.
And I HATE IT. I am going to get married in 18 days and I don't care. I am going to ruin this memory for the rest of my life and I will never live it down in my own head. Twenty years from now, I'll be on the porch with Kate and she'll ask me if I remembered an event on our wedding day and I won't be able to remember me feeling any way towards it because it will just come and go and I won't care. And the thought of that makes me want to kill myself.
If this is really it, then I don't want this anymore.
Now I know I'm just being over-dramatic and whomever reads this that is close to me is probably going to want to pick up the phone and fix me but I'll save you the dime and just tell you that I'll be ok, this will pass, I'll eventually go talk to someone who will readjust my medication and I'll get better within a few months. But the simple fact is, I'm not going to be fixed in 18 days and that makes me want to cry. To just take my laptop and throw it at the window and leave the building and go drive somewhere until I run out of gas.
This fucking blows.
It's really hard to explain and I'm not writing this for any help or opinions or to get conversation going here. I don't know how to better describe it but I literally don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Before I used to be depressed and then super happy. Then it went to just depressed. And now that I'm on medication, it's just gone to nothing. A big zero. No feelings; good or bad.
And I HATE IT. I am going to get married in 18 days and I don't care. I am going to ruin this memory for the rest of my life and I will never live it down in my own head. Twenty years from now, I'll be on the porch with Kate and she'll ask me if I remembered an event on our wedding day and I won't be able to remember me feeling any way towards it because it will just come and go and I won't care. And the thought of that makes me want to kill myself.
If this is really it, then I don't want this anymore.
Now I know I'm just being over-dramatic and whomever reads this that is close to me is probably going to want to pick up the phone and fix me but I'll save you the dime and just tell you that I'll be ok, this will pass, I'll eventually go talk to someone who will readjust my medication and I'll get better within a few months. But the simple fact is, I'm not going to be fixed in 18 days and that makes me want to cry. To just take my laptop and throw it at the window and leave the building and go drive somewhere until I run out of gas.
This fucking blows.
Is that all there is?
Yes, fuckhead...that's all there is, you whiney bitch.
Now deal with it and STFU before Kate reads your ghey blog and decides she wants a real man.
I felt just like that when I was taking paxil for just a few weeks. I still have almost a whole bottle of it because I stopped taking it. My theory is that you need the downs in order for ups to seem like anything at all. Goes back to that philosophy "is there good without evil?"
But for some reason I was able to have 4 hour long erections coupled with absolutely no sex drive. That was pretty cool.
Kate does need a real man. I've never met you in person, but you do sound like you whine a lot and it's not attractive. Not even in a metrosexual way. In fact, it's annoying. In time, Kate will get annoyed by your whining and she's going to find a real man who can keep his girly tendencies to himself.
hahaha
No one ever writes in a blog saying "I had a fucking GREAT day today!" If I had a great day today, I'm going to go home and tell Kate or my friends in person.
That's not the point of blogs. Blogs were intended for people to vent about the bullshit in their lives and as a result, allow perfect strangers to read said blogs and post comments in them.
Ask yourself what is truly sadder here; me venting in this blog so I feel better or you all who keep coming back to read it.
i, for one, like reading about people who feel like shit because it makes me feel just a little bit more normal.
that said, you're not undead, you only feel like it. that will go away. you'll figure it out.
ps- got the news and i'm too sad that i won't be there to see you both tie the knot.
Personally I like reading this blog because it’s honest. There are certain things many people feel but never talk about and jkrew does. To me entries like this just show someone trying to work through their thoughts and feelings (or lack of them). How is that whiny? What would you expect a person to write about? Should everyone write about the same things? If you don’t like it then piss off and don’t read it.
And if it doesn't work out...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlHXYigWO4w
;)