Stupid Artsy Movies with Made Up Film Award Logos on Their Posters

I remember when artsy movies were shown at Cannes and Cannes only. MAYBE Sundance but those festivals were it. If you had a movie shown there or were part of the "official selection" your movie was guaranteed some sort of Oscar at the end of the year because of it no matter if it was the shittiest 120 minutes ever created in the history of all mankind. Loads of celebrities would flock to some ritzy french town to see YOUR sassy movie about a girl who forgot how to love until a german soldier who was against the war initially but was required to fight because his fathers last dying wish was for him to avenge his grandmothers death finally told her that she had something to love again.

Once you won your award from Cannes, you were then given the right to re-release your movie to general audiences across america with new posters with a stupid little 2" logo of some ivy branch surrounding some gold copy saying "OFFICIAL CANNES SELECTION". That little logo was all that was needed to let Joe Schmoe know that his wife/girlfriend/lover was going to drag his sorry ass to the movies to see it very soon. People at glamorous dinner parties would later talk about it at neauseum which would spread through social circles like a bad case of herpes until the average mom and pop saw it and finally seal it's fate as the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. The director would soon grace the stage at the Oscars and thank 59 unknown people who were now very rich because of that tiny little logo.



People in New York City didn't want to miss out on the fun so The Tribeca Film Festival made up their own party and it just went downhill from there. Soon every little town in the country started having film festivals and being how the little ivy branch wasn't a copywritten icon, everyone started using it too.
see figure 1

figure 1


Look at all of those awards! Awesome! Se Magnifique!

None of them are from "festivals" outside of Australia. None of them. It could be the shittiest movie of all time but now that it has those lil bullshit fake logos on it, people are going to flock to it.

Now take the movie Postal. It really is going to be the worst movie of all time. Seriously. I shit you not, it will make people stupider for even watching it. Muslim extremists are going to hate America as a whole that much more for even producing such a film. But with the right photoshop trickery, it can instantly be made into a glorious achievement of the human spirit.
see figure 2 and 2b

Before:


After!


So I say to you, American public, please, for the love of all things holy, please stop encouraging these things. Stop going to the Pennsylvania Film Festival of Greater Scranton. It's only watering down better movies that I so desperately try to avoid like the plague.