I'm so sick of the same old shit always happening regarding certain things. This will be vague just because I have a horrible record of doing so but for fucks sake, it's really funny how people have the hardest time changing. I mean, obviously, it's easy to slack and turn into someone who just does what comes easy. We all do it. Case in point, I am out of shape. Well, I am in shape (sort of) now but 6 months ago, I was a fat fuck. I was out of shape, I was unhealthy and I was on a road that if continued, would take me to a place I may have not had the ability to come out of.

Kate moving in with me pretty much saved my life. I say that with the most dramatic of intentions both because it's fun to be a queen as well as the fact that it's the gods honest truth. Anyhoo, back on topic. Kate got me to quit smoking, to quit drinking, she got me to start working out etc. Now I'm somewhat happy with myself physically but I know I have a lot of work to do until I can actually look myself in the mirror and not get depressed.

I made an appointment to see a shrink today. It's for next Wednesday at 2 and I'm fairly looking forward to it. It will be nice to finally talk to someone, possibly get on some sort of medication which will prevent me from pondering what would happen if I really did climb out on the balcony and see if I had the ability to fly. Morbid like whoa. Sorry.

What I'm trying to get at is that if you aren't careful with yourself, you will end up being someone you never knew existed in a bad way. I got into a really bad pattern of just being "ok" with being depressed. Coming home, drinking myself drunk, taking in horrible things and going to bed all to repeat over and over again until I didn't recognize what was looking back at me in the mirror.

I'm at a good place now I think. I absolutely love my job, I'm scared shitless about getting married in a good way, I am finally not stressing about my obsession with cars on a nightly basis and feel that my relationship with my stepdad is possibly on the up and up (random I know). Kate and I are strangely fun lately even though we are both sick as balls now. I am having fun with her again and for the first time in our relationship, she is making me laugh more than I am making her which is nice.

It's weird how I started this entry off extremely mad and angry about certain things but now that I'm tired of writing, I'm really not anymore. It's strange how, over time, you give up on people and learn to forget them. Poisonous people who are bad for you don't deserve your time and I think it's ok to give up on those kinds of folks sometimes. I'm not 100% but I now know what to do to at least go towards being happier with myself I guess.