I don't like Christmas anymore. Well, I can't really remember when I actually liked Christmas really. I'm not one of those trendy/uppity hipsters who think the day is a massive pagan salute to commercialism because trust me, I LOVE getting loads of free shit. I think the reason I hate it is because it just causes too much stress to make the payoff worth it.

It's like this massive buildup to this one day and then it's all over in the blink of an eye and then you are stuck with months of blah until you're hit with yet another useless holiday in February and by that time, you are seconds away from finding something sharp in the kitchen to ease the pain. THEN, you have three more months of gray until you can finally drive around with the windows down to make yourself happy again.

This entry is going to be a bad one so I will preface it with this list:
- The only thing that mattered this year was that I got to spend Christmas morning with Kate for the first time.
- Mom actually cooked two great meals (I know!)
- I'm venting so take this with a grain of salt

Why I Hated Christmas by Jason P. Kress

1. The traffic:
Why do I always have a need to purchase things for myself around the holidays and not on a Wednesday in, say, March? No, instead, I tell myself that I need a new pair of jeans and Chucks two days before Christmas. So of course I go to the mall, realize that my shoe size is fairly close to the entire male population of Virginia which then starts out my lovely holiday mood with a bang.

Finally when I do find a pair of jeans or shoes that fit. I have to wait in a line that might as well have 1,000 free Wii's at the end of it.

2. The family drama:
My second mom is battling cancer. Both of my moms have been best friends since like, forever so of course they are going to share the battle together. Well, Mom #2's husband wants to pick a fight and win the "I'm a better caretaker" award and causes a riff between Mom #1 and himself. Now Mom #1 is vowing to never have dinner with the husband again because they hate each other and I'm shit out of luck from ever seeing Mom #2 at dinner again. Does anyone see how stupid this is? Anyways, maybe you will see after she is no longer here and you just realized you fucked yourself out of some nice holiday dinners when all that was needed was eating some shit and manning up and taking some blame (even though you don't deserve it of course) just so we can all see eachother while she is around. I'm sure my mom will tell me it's the principality of the matter here but for fucks sake, don't punish me because of your stupid feud. I've known her longer (by a few hours) than you have. Don't forget that fact.

My soon to be father in law is still a douche to me. I'll just type that again... FATHER IN LAW. Um, dude, I'm about to marry your daughter. Thus making her part of my family and vice versa. It would probably be a great idea for you to chill out a bit so you don't get the shaft when babies/holidays/casual encounters start coming into the picture. I'd write more about it here but it will just blow up in my face because no one talks about their feelings anymore and of course, I have to be shat on for God knows why because no one will fucking talk to me.

I grew up with this Jewish family when I was younger for maybe a decade, probably less, in the same neighbourhood and started a holiday tradition where we eat Christmas eve dinner together and have done so for 29 years. The family had a son who was my best buddy at the time so of course we share some great stories and of course said stories come up each and every single dinner. One of the stories is that they all remember me wearing Underoos as a kid. Ok, no big whup right? I mean, any kid growing up in the late 70's and 80's rocked Underoos. But no, for some goddamn unexplained reason, the entire family says I wore Wonder Woman Underoos. see figure 1

figure 1


Now do you see the packaging where it says "Panty? I know my mom is oblivious to her surroundings almost 75% of the time but do you think the woman would fucking buy me a set of underpants that say "PANTY" on the package? Do you really think I would wear a tanktop meant for a girl instead of a t-shirt that 100% of male children wear? Is there any photgraphic evidence of said panty and tanktop wearing? Fuck no. So piss off crazy Jewish family! I never wore that shit and the joke is now old by 29 years. Cut it out or I'm going to start punching members of your family.

Lastly in the family department, my father called me. I speak to my father as many times as there are major holidays in the calendar year. I used to think Thanksgiving was major but he decided this year that it wasn't so that cuts the time we speak to one another to about once a year.

Usually it goes like this:
1) a call back after he leaves a message and say hi
2) he says hi, wishes me a happy *insert holiday here*
3) I tell him that I'm at so and so job because I usually get laid off, quit or move on once a year or so it seems
4) He asks about my heart as we now share similar ailments because he had a heart attack a few years back
5) There is usually a story about work that is said here
6) He finally says "Ok, I'll give you a ring this weekend and we'll catch up" and I finally hear back from him at the next holiday, usually within the hours of 6 and 7.

I used to get bugged out about having a part time dad but now with the power of repression and alcohol, I can usually forget about it. The holidays are just a great time to remind me of what I have been trying to forget for so many months.

3. The nasty letdown:
For the entire month of December, I'm fairly excited to wrap up all of the presents, get the tree outfitted, play the holiday music on the hi-fi and go mall-hopping to take in the hustle and bustle (Kate often wonders why I love going to the mall simply to watch people shop during the holidays. I can't explain but for some reason, it's really nice to see people so hard pressed to show their love for one another by trying to buy as much shit as possible. I find it humorous yet sad but mostly humorous.)

Anyways, you get this massive buildup allll through the month of December with all of the decorations and music and fake plastic snow and then BAM!, it's all over with. Literally overnight, everyone forgets that they just acted like a collective set of assholes to one another at the malls and on the roads and everything is reset back to normal. No more holiday cheer, no more cheerful holiday music. Just gray skies and piles of trash and empty boxes out on the curb.

I find myself wondering, "what exactly was the payoff to this day again?" I mean, I'm now in possession of some nicer clothes than before and I had a few good meals because of the holiday. But in retrospect, I got to hang out with the people I already hang out with. I just spent a shitload of cash because I thought it was what I was supposed to do to make these people happy when I'm sure they could have cared less if I bought them anything at all. And now, because of all this, I'm stressed and depressed and am just waiting for winter to go away so I can start enjoying the spring and summer again.

Ugh, this was whiny. Sorry but it was needed and I sort of feel better because of it. Meh, I feel so blah today.