I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I have been seriously doubting my relationship with kate and it is scaring the crap out of me for almost a month now.
It's not that I want to leave or to date someone else, it's far from that. It's mainly the fact that I am feeling the same exact way after I got back with my ex-girlfriend some years ago. It's the feeling of insecurity after being dumped but then struggling to win her back and that feeling of impending doom of breaking up again. It's the feeling of doubt. It's the feeling of waiting for the shoe to drop.
I guess the relationship got boring or stagnant at one point. Maybe it's because the summer is over and that all of the cars and projects and summery-goodness is over. It's probably because I've been drinking way too much in the past few months. It's because I'm depressed, taking pills for it and still drinking.
Not the smartest thing to do I know. It's a weakness and I'm lame for doing it.
I don't know why I'm feeling this way but it fucking sucks feeling it. I don't want to lose kate and I know she loves me to death but it just sucks. It's a new feeling and I absolutely hate it. Maybe it's because she is the first girl I have given 100% of my heart to since my last real GF. She has the power to destroy me and now I know it and I think I am worried she will leave me. Maybe she is the first girl I have gone out with where I think I am the lucky one to date her instead of the other way around. Maybe because it's the fact that in the beginning I was the mentor in the relationship; while she was worried about the unknown of a long-term relationship, I wasn't worried because I had been there before.
Now it's in the long stretch. Our relationship isn't just a passing fancy. Talk of marriage is really becoming a truth and a real possibility rather than just something that is said between two people in lust.
But again, I have much to fix before this takes a new step. I won't keep repeating myself regarding my health and my bills etc etc. I know those are my issues and I am finally trying to fix them for once.
It's just that I have gotten so lazy in the past few months. I simply just don't care about a lot of things anymore. Turning 30 sucked. Being stuck in VA sucks. Wanting to get rid of both of my vehicles and just have a normal car is starting to annoy me. Being lethargic in this relationship is really taking it's toll on me too. It's always the same things. The same restaurants, the same trips to Target, the same five-line phrases when I say goodnight to kate over and over again.
It's almost robotic. "Ok boo, I'm gonna go pass out. Ok, love. I love you. I love you mostest! Sleep well. You too... Bye. Bye. Click."
I know this is what happens. I know this is a rut. I don't like ruts though.
I just want to go back to the point where I didn't have to worry. I want the feelings back that I felt when kate did something that was so alien to me. I want to feel like I was the luckiest man in the world again.
I don't want to feel married.
It's not that I want to leave or to date someone else, it's far from that. It's mainly the fact that I am feeling the same exact way after I got back with my ex-girlfriend some years ago. It's the feeling of insecurity after being dumped but then struggling to win her back and that feeling of impending doom of breaking up again. It's the feeling of doubt. It's the feeling of waiting for the shoe to drop.
I guess the relationship got boring or stagnant at one point. Maybe it's because the summer is over and that all of the cars and projects and summery-goodness is over. It's probably because I've been drinking way too much in the past few months. It's because I'm depressed, taking pills for it and still drinking.
Not the smartest thing to do I know. It's a weakness and I'm lame for doing it.
I don't know why I'm feeling this way but it fucking sucks feeling it. I don't want to lose kate and I know she loves me to death but it just sucks. It's a new feeling and I absolutely hate it. Maybe it's because she is the first girl I have given 100% of my heart to since my last real GF. She has the power to destroy me and now I know it and I think I am worried she will leave me. Maybe she is the first girl I have gone out with where I think I am the lucky one to date her instead of the other way around. Maybe because it's the fact that in the beginning I was the mentor in the relationship; while she was worried about the unknown of a long-term relationship, I wasn't worried because I had been there before.
Now it's in the long stretch. Our relationship isn't just a passing fancy. Talk of marriage is really becoming a truth and a real possibility rather than just something that is said between two people in lust.
But again, I have much to fix before this takes a new step. I won't keep repeating myself regarding my health and my bills etc etc. I know those are my issues and I am finally trying to fix them for once.
It's just that I have gotten so lazy in the past few months. I simply just don't care about a lot of things anymore. Turning 30 sucked. Being stuck in VA sucks. Wanting to get rid of both of my vehicles and just have a normal car is starting to annoy me. Being lethargic in this relationship is really taking it's toll on me too. It's always the same things. The same restaurants, the same trips to Target, the same five-line phrases when I say goodnight to kate over and over again.
It's almost robotic. "Ok boo, I'm gonna go pass out. Ok, love. I love you. I love you mostest! Sleep well. You too... Bye. Bye. Click."
I know this is what happens. I know this is a rut. I don't like ruts though.
I just want to go back to the point where I didn't have to worry. I want the feelings back that I felt when kate did something that was so alien to me. I want to feel like I was the luckiest man in the world again.
I don't want to feel married.
Dude, you are the lucky one... however, so is she. That's what makes y'all so damn good. You are the shit. An amazingly creative and often crazy human being who shows no sign of age except in his own announcements. And Kate is just as passionate, beautiful, and talanted creature as you are. Don't doubt yourself because she certainly doesn't... and you don't want to put any of those ideas into her head. You two still have tons of fun together, like... building work zones on your co-workers desk!? You're both creative personalities that explode into JKRATE like a super hero. You're all the different parts of Voltron except you don't waste time and go straight to outer-space to get the fucking sword and tear some shit up and then keep flowers and plants alive. And if you guys need a project car, work on mine. It needs attention.
Nothing wrong with feeling married. Being married feels secure, it feels safe, it feels strong. It doesn't feel like the same newspaper and cup of coffee every morning while you both sit there not talking because the silence is just as comfortable as your matching bathrobes. But thats what everybody fears.
Be married like you are now, don't hate the little rituals. When things go crazy those are the places you'll sneak in your ounce of happiness, the things that will show you the dam is still holding no matter how much it rains.
All things as they come, brotherman, all things as they come.