I used to ask myself when I was dating my ex, "What the fuck is love, what does it feel like and when I finally fall into it, will I know it as well as how long will it last?"

And it's weird to me because at the time, I knew I wasn't "in" it, wasn't close to having it and I knew that what I thought I once had was now long gone and lost.

I was very unsure of myself and my feelings towards kate when I first started dating her. I was a wreck. I was just coming off a 4-5 month bender and I really wasn't anyone I knew at the time. Take it this way, I was beat to shit from dating for the past 8+ years (not all of those years were bad mind you), spent a summer of damaging actions to my mind, my body and my self esteem. And there I was, at the edge of the deepend, just about to jump in. And as anyone knows, I don't build walls for myself. Shit, half the int0rnet knows about my personal life (which I am fine and dandy with) and once again, I had this massive wall built up just so I wouldn't get hurt.

Kate was a n00b too. We had NO idea what the fuck we were doing. She thought one thing, I thought another and when we were together, we looked like two monkeys fucking a football. It was just a plain ole clusterfuck. She was attached to my hip due to never being in love-love before and there I was pushing her back a bit because I didn't want to be vulnerable and give her myself 100%.

This went on for a good 6 months. It was hard. It really was. I wasn't sure if she was right, I wasn't sure if I was right. I had incredible baggage and I just couldn't give my all at the time. Kate was living for me, not for her and that was tough. I wanted a girlfriend (well, actually, I didn't know what I wanted) and she was more of a student making me the teacher.

Here was this old guy who had gone through an 8-year stint with Satan herself and I was damaged goods. I was out of shape, aged and tired. And there she was... this wonderfully naive young woman for whom I had no business dealing with. She was young and fresh and innocent (not that innocent mind you... god bless catholicism and it's harsh effects on wayward girls). She taught me to be young again (and seriously, I wasn't old-old, I just felt old-old), she taught me to enjoy the finer things in life due to her gourmet upbringing and I taught her to enjoy Papaya King, dive restaurants and the beauty of a V6 engine.

And here we are, almost 1.5 years later. We are COMPLETELY different people in terms of where we started. She acts like a pro with this whole relationship thing for the most part and I have learned to love again, to trust and feel again. And yeah, we both have issues to deal with but we will get through it God willing. If it doesn't work out, at least we will know that we tried but I don't see that happening any time soon.

Kate, to me, is what I want to settle down with for the rest of my life. I always wondered if "normal" time with someone would be boring but it is fantastic each and every day I spend with her. Menial tasks such as working out, cooking or cleaning the house are just so much better when she is there. I don't have to doubt her or second guess her. I don't have to wonder if she is cheating on me (this is quite possibly the best gift she has given me to date) and I don't have to worry about her giving herself to anyone else. She actually looks better to me first thing in the morning when she has dragon breath and JBF hair and sleep lines on her face than when she does dolled up (don't get me wrong, I looove when she gets dolled up.)

I hurt when she hurts. I am happy when she is happy. And I'm ok with that.

I'm gonna marry this girl someday. And yes, that whole "love" thing. It's true what they say and as cheesy as it sounds, you just know.