Ugh, I knew it was going to be like this. Everything was going fine. I wake up, crawling out of my skin because I haven't "done nothing" in years and this self-appointed mandatory week off from work is driving me batty.
Anyways, the only redeeming moment of the day is going shopping with my mom and having lunch with her. It all went down hill from there. I go see my grandmother even though i don't want to. See her sleeping, if you can call it that, in her shithole bed. More like a gurney. Anyways, she looks to be dead. She's sleeping and won't wake up. I have to leave the room for I am close to vomiting. Her mouth is moving but she says nothing. She isn't my grandmother. She is some old woman who is seconds away from death. A skeleton with skin. She isn't who I remember her to be and god damnit I wish I never saw her. I want to have the last memory I have of her to be the good one when she met kate and was awake and lucid and a human being and warm and fun and my grandmother. Now I have this idea of her looking dead. Fucking wonderful.
I go home. I crawl out of my skin again. I have nothing to do so I just sit there and work on the house some more. I go work on dara some more. I go work on stephanie some more. This is pointless.
I'm not even going to see my girlfriend today/tonight. I had a shit dinner for one. All I want to do is get drunk and pass out and just wait until tomorrow to be just another day.
My father called and left me a message. He wants me to call him back. He can go to hell for all I care.
I don't want to be here anymore. I hope my grandmother sleeps well tonight.
Anyways, the only redeeming moment of the day is going shopping with my mom and having lunch with her. It all went down hill from there. I go see my grandmother even though i don't want to. See her sleeping, if you can call it that, in her shithole bed. More like a gurney. Anyways, she looks to be dead. She's sleeping and won't wake up. I have to leave the room for I am close to vomiting. Her mouth is moving but she says nothing. She isn't my grandmother. She is some old woman who is seconds away from death. A skeleton with skin. She isn't who I remember her to be and god damnit I wish I never saw her. I want to have the last memory I have of her to be the good one when she met kate and was awake and lucid and a human being and warm and fun and my grandmother. Now I have this idea of her looking dead. Fucking wonderful.
I go home. I crawl out of my skin again. I have nothing to do so I just sit there and work on the house some more. I go work on dara some more. I go work on stephanie some more. This is pointless.
I'm not even going to see my girlfriend today/tonight. I had a shit dinner for one. All I want to do is get drunk and pass out and just wait until tomorrow to be just another day.
My father called and left me a message. He wants me to call him back. He can go to hell for all I care.
I don't want to be here anymore. I hope my grandmother sleeps well tonight.
You should have called me. I would have hung out w/ you.
Happy Birthday, anyway!
*hug* birthdays always seemed better when you could just plop your face and hands straight into a cake as a kid.... maybe you should try that!
happy birthday... i'm sure you have things to be happy about.
I thought that may have happened... I'm sorry it turned out like that. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you on your birthday. ):
Sorry seeing (your grandmom) mom was so hard. Death is hard to deal with, but sadly a reality. Sometimes you have to experience how bad she is doing so that when she does finally pass, you will be able to be happy for her...and not so sad. I think it will be easier for you to acceot her death when it comes. She deserves peace. You will always remember the good times. I swear.
Thank you!
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