Trust is a motherfucker eh? I remember, maybe around my first or second year with Jess where we were living together at my mums house over the summer as we were lifeguarding at the same pool. I don't remember how it all went down because, christ, this was YEARS ago but I think she had left her email open or something along those lines on my computer. I was by myself one night and I went to go check my email and instead of checking mine, I saw hers and of course as luck would have it, I saw a bunch of emails from the same address of a guy that Jess was supposedly "just friends with".

Well, noseyness got the best of me and I read an email. And of course it had in it what I didn't want to see but was looking for. Talk of flirtation, want to wake up next to... well, you get the idea. It was just bad. Like fucked up bad. That kind of shit that makes your head pulse with a heartbeat and your chest feels like it has a basketball-sized heart in it and it pounds so loud, everything else goes quiet. You start to sweat. Your stomach feels instantly empty. You want to vomit but instead of vomiting, you keep reading.

It sucks. You can pretty much hear your own heart breaking and at the same time, your trust with that person is never going to be the same again. Ever. I don't care who says different because they are lying to not only their mate but also to themselves. Anyways... I confronted her and yes, I got that apology I was looking for. I also got that horrible bout of tears from her that I wanted to. I wanted her to feel as horrible as she made me feel. I wanted her to feel worse. I wanted her to bleed on the inside and I got it.

But then she realised that I snooped. And thats when it all turned towards the worst. No more upper hand for me. You can imagine how it went from there. This actually happened several more times in our 8 year relationship. Maybe I'm just stupid for taking her back but whatever, I'm rambling again.

My point here is this... people in relationships lie. Everyone lies. I lied to Jess. I've lied to kate. But little lies are fine. Do you think it would behoove me to tell kate that an ex girlfriend called for sex one night and I turned her down? What would anyone benefit from knowing that? Even knowing that, in real life, nothing happened, I was a good boy, no penis was inserted into anyones Judy, buuut if kate knew, she would flip. She would want said ex-girlfriends head on a platter. Some things are best left alone. What ya don't know won't hurt you. Get it?

That's why he didn't tell you. Ok, so fine, he wanted to see an ex girlfriend. Boys like closure. I want to sort of make amends with my ex because for some unknown reason, she thinks I'm a bastard. Sure, she thinks that way for reasons I can't change but I know I'm not a bastard. I just want her to know that too. Maybe your fiancé (lets call him Saul), maybe he just wanted to see her one last time. Or to solidify the fact that she can't hold a candle to how wonderful you are compared to her. Point being, when you snooped in his email, you never read anything regarding how good of a kisser she is or how good she is in the sack right? Nothing happened dude and you know it. Just a little conversation.

You got a little case of cold feet last night and I am happy to verbally slap you silly until you feel better. It will be ok and yes, you will be able to look him in the eye again. And if you have a hard time doing that, always think back to that indescretion(s) we had together for several months. I'm guessing you never told him about that eh? Right. Everyone lies.

Ta. =)