So last night I had poker night with the boys and broke my vow of sobriety. Nothing crazy like a bender or anything but I have to admit... I actually felt better. My throat didn't hurt, I wasn't coughing up part of lung and I slept like a fucking rock.
I even feel almost 100% this morning. I don't get it. I think my body has basically assumed that alcohol is a needed ingredient in my bloodstream and is almost required for me to carry on living. Odd. And I know, I sound like an alcoholic but I only had two beers.
WTF? Anyways, on with my rant. I stole Pink Floyd this morning. I have never listened to PF before. I love Dark Side of the Moon but dispise The Wall. Is that ok? I really dig it on this rainy day too. Good times but DSotM is too conceived and is all over the place. A workmate told me of the story behind the album about this dude who's father dies in the war and then builds up this wall around him blah blah blah. Too much for me. I just don't care for it. On another note, the new Green Day is fucking hot as hell. I will def. buy it legally when it comes out.
And Jess emailed me twice last night. I dunno whats up with that. I think she's on MS now. I never thought about all of my laundry(dirty and clean) being on my page and then her reading through all of it but whatever. I have no secrets. She wants to patch up our clusterfucked relationship but I'm not ready. I told her that last week but she wants back in. It's not like I don't love her because I do. It's not like she is and will always be a part of my life because she is. I am just not ready to give 100% of myself to anyone and I don't think she understands that that isn't something that can be talking back into being done. I don't want to promise her all of myself only to hurt her two months later. It's not fair for her and even though she is suffering with my decision now, it is best for her I believe. Right? This is actually the first time I have sat down and thought about what I want which is odd. I don't know what I want, I just know I don't want a relationship. I don't want a string of hook-ups either though. I just like being on my own and for the 8 years I was with her, I relied on her too much and was not my own person. I felt as if I would die without her and that was so horribly wrong for me to think.
I think us breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to me on one note. I needed to be ok with myself and to know I would survive on my own. I had to be happy with myself without having to rely on anyone else to make me "whole" and that has finally happened. I think for her benefit, she needs to do the same because right now, she clearly isn't. And I don't think she even want's "me". She just want's what she can't have. The same fucked up issues we both had will be waiting for us if we get back together. These were the same problems that caused us to break up in the first place. I just hope she would think of that.
Who knows what will happen in the future? I don't know in the least and now that the crazy summer is dwindling down, I wonder if I will be as happy and carefree as before. Things have definately slowed down a lot and I'm not going out as much but I think it will get better as soon as I find a good balance of things. As for Jess, I so badly just want to be friends with her. We had the best times just fucking around with one another. And it's weird because I am really good friends with the girls I talked to over the summer and it's great to just make the disconnection of passion and be just friends. I got to have my cake and still eat it too in a sense. I didn't lose anything albeit the intimate aspect which I am okay with.
I'm too young to throw in the towel and settle down. I want to see what is out there and just have fun and not care and not worry and not stress. It's childish I know but it's a decision I have made and for right now, I am happy with it even though I may be temporarily running from security.
Does anyone read my lengthy rants? Sorry to be all over the place if you do.
I even feel almost 100% this morning. I don't get it. I think my body has basically assumed that alcohol is a needed ingredient in my bloodstream and is almost required for me to carry on living. Odd. And I know, I sound like an alcoholic but I only had two beers.
WTF? Anyways, on with my rant. I stole Pink Floyd this morning. I have never listened to PF before. I love Dark Side of the Moon but dispise The Wall. Is that ok? I really dig it on this rainy day too. Good times but DSotM is too conceived and is all over the place. A workmate told me of the story behind the album about this dude who's father dies in the war and then builds up this wall around him blah blah blah. Too much for me. I just don't care for it. On another note, the new Green Day is fucking hot as hell. I will def. buy it legally when it comes out.
And Jess emailed me twice last night. I dunno whats up with that. I think she's on MS now. I never thought about all of my laundry(dirty and clean) being on my page and then her reading through all of it but whatever. I have no secrets. She wants to patch up our clusterfucked relationship but I'm not ready. I told her that last week but she wants back in. It's not like I don't love her because I do. It's not like she is and will always be a part of my life because she is. I am just not ready to give 100% of myself to anyone and I don't think she understands that that isn't something that can be talking back into being done. I don't want to promise her all of myself only to hurt her two months later. It's not fair for her and even though she is suffering with my decision now, it is best for her I believe. Right? This is actually the first time I have sat down and thought about what I want which is odd. I don't know what I want, I just know I don't want a relationship. I don't want a string of hook-ups either though. I just like being on my own and for the 8 years I was with her, I relied on her too much and was not my own person. I felt as if I would die without her and that was so horribly wrong for me to think.
I think us breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to me on one note. I needed to be ok with myself and to know I would survive on my own. I had to be happy with myself without having to rely on anyone else to make me "whole" and that has finally happened. I think for her benefit, she needs to do the same because right now, she clearly isn't. And I don't think she even want's "me". She just want's what she can't have. The same fucked up issues we both had will be waiting for us if we get back together. These were the same problems that caused us to break up in the first place. I just hope she would think of that.
Who knows what will happen in the future? I don't know in the least and now that the crazy summer is dwindling down, I wonder if I will be as happy and carefree as before. Things have definately slowed down a lot and I'm not going out as much but I think it will get better as soon as I find a good balance of things. As for Jess, I so badly just want to be friends with her. We had the best times just fucking around with one another. And it's weird because I am really good friends with the girls I talked to over the summer and it's great to just make the disconnection of passion and be just friends. I got to have my cake and still eat it too in a sense. I didn't lose anything albeit the intimate aspect which I am okay with.
I'm too young to throw in the towel and settle down. I want to see what is out there and just have fun and not care and not worry and not stress. It's childish I know but it's a decision I have made and for right now, I am happy with it even though I may be temporarily running from security.
Does anyone read my lengthy rants? Sorry to be all over the place if you do.
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