•••Reading this 8 hours later, this is kind of harsh sounding but I'll just keep up as to not erase a thought •••

Well, the Brazillian Death Flu (BDF) turned out to be Pneumonia. OR SO THEY SAY. Well, today is the last day of my medication and my body is still fucked up. Yesterday was probably the hardest day I ever had having to work or do anything for that matter. I was shaking, my legs were completely cramped up and I couldn't sit still for more than 5 minutes. I struggled through work and finally got home and passed out. Like PASSED OUT.

I woke up and was all screwed in the head and just left to go for a drive. I have no idea whats going on with my body. I've been running too long for the past few months and I guess it's just catching up to me.

I remember when the summer started and I was just abusing the shit out of my body. Going out every night, drinking every night, partying every night and now I'm just beat to shit. I thought about that a lot last night. When I was seeing Carey, we would do something every night for a few months. Not crazy shit but you know how it is when you start hanging with someone new. And it was either her or going to Bill & Leahs to do something. I only went home to sleep. I kind of miss it. I guess it's a sign that summer is almost over and that's depressing as fuck. I love summer. I can't wait for my birthday. One last hurrah at the beach with millions of dubs and all my crew.

Where am I going with this? Focus Jason. Ok, so yeah. Still kinda edgy this morning. Still shaking and my legs are screaming. I didn't touch alcohol last night minus a beer at dinner. Got my fucking car towed last night because I'm a dumbass.

And on my way back Jess rang me and we talked for the entire trip to my house. What am I doing. I shouldn't give her the time of day but I always pick up the phone. I guess I can't throw away the past for some reason. Funny thing I was free. That's the one thing I kept saying to myself when I was in my car driving away from our break up 5 months ago. "You're free." I screamed that shit all the way home with the windows down and the music blaring and the wind rushing through my car as I sped down the highway.

So many things I want to say to her right now. I'm in a bitter and confused mood right now so this may come out all fucked up and will probably be different tommorow but right now I'm amazed by her actions at the moment.

Did you really think you could have your cake and fuck me too? How dare you repetively ask me if I want to get back with you. Don't even start to give me altematums on deciding just so you can "heal" and "start to get over it". Fuck you. You should have started to "get over it" when you walked out my door. What the fuck do you think I have been doing for 5 months?

I'm sure she may have realised that she fucked up midway through and hoped to ring me up and I would jump on her sack like nothing happened but that is clearly not the case here. My eyes are open to life without her and I am doing fine. If I ... If WE happen to start talking again and patch up our clusterfuck of a relationship then it will happen when it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't.

I can't even start to rationalize what I want to do about it right now. Maybe I subconsciously don't want to right now. It's not even confusion. It's just my mind basically repressing even a single thought of emotion about her which is strange because I've never done that before. Maybe she really did fuck me up that much.

But why do I keep picking up the phone?

Happy reading Jess.